7 Chapter 7: Building and Maintaining Relationships
Jason S. Wrench; Narissra M. Punyanunt-Carter; Katherine S. Thweatt; and Carolyn Hurley
Introduction
Over the course of our lives, we enter into—and move on from—a variety of relationships. For many people, close relationships are a key ingredient for a fulfilling life. Research from the Pew Research Center (Goddard, 2023; Goddard & Parker, 2025) highlights several insights into how Americans experience and communicate within these relationships:
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Most Americans report having between one and four close friends, while 38% say they have five or more.
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In these friendships, people commonly talk about topics like work, family, current events, physical and mental health, pop culture, and sports.
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We depend on close relationships—such as those with romantic partners, family members, or friends—for social support.
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At the same time, younger adults in the U.S. are increasingly reporting feelings of loneliness.
Given how essential communication is to creating and sustaining meaningful relationships, this chapter explores how we use communication to build, maintain, and sometimes even let go of our interpersonal connections.
7.1 The Nature of Relationships
We’ve all experienced a wide range of relationships throughout our lives. But what makes something a relationship? How often do we need to see each other? Do we both have to agree that we’re in a relationship? Is following someone on social media enough to qualify?
To better understand the relationships in our lives, we’ll start by exploring key characteristics that define relationships—and the different types and purposes they serve.
7.1.1 Defining Relationships
A relationship is a “connection established when one person communicates with another” (Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond, 2019). These connections can be built in a variety of contexts—family, work, school, shared hobbies, or common experiences. And they serve different purposes: task-oriented, work-related, or social and emotional.
Relationships can also be understood through the lens of choice. Communication scholars often differentiate between relationships of choice and relationships of circumstance (Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond, 2019):
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Relationships of circumstance are formed due to factors beyond our control—such as our family members, classmates, coworkers, or in-laws. We didn’t choose these individuals, but circumstances brought us together.
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Relationships of choice, on the other hand, are relationships we actively seek and maintain, like close friendships, romantic partnerships, or mentors.
This distinction is important because our level of investment, expectations, and communication patterns often differ depending on whether the relationship was chosen or circumstantial.
Consider how you might interact with a sibling versus a best friend, or with a coworker versus a partner. The reasons we enter and sustain these relationships—and how we communicate within them—can vary significantly based on their origin.
Table 1. Examples of Relationships of Choice & Circumstance
| Choice | Circumstance |
| Partners
Spouses Best friends Friends Acquaintances Activity partners |
Parent-child
Siblings Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins Distant relatives Coworkers/colleagues Neighbors Classmates Teachers |
7.1.2 Purposes of Relationships
We typically form and maintain relationships for one or more of the following purposes:
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Work-related relationships help us achieve professional or career goals. These connections often arise in the workplace and may involve collaboration, mentorship, or networking.
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Task-related relationships exist to accomplish a specific goal. Once the task is complete—such as a school project or athletic season—the relationship may dissolve or evolve into something else.
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Social relationships provide emotional benefits such as affection, inclusion, and support. These relationships are often built on personal choice and include friends, romantic partners, and sometimes family members.
It’s important to note that relationships can serve multiple purposes. For example, a classmate might start as a task-related partner on a project but later become a close friend. A romantic partner may provide both emotional support and collaboration on life goals.
Where does family fit in?
Family relationships are typically considered relationships of circumstance, but in terms of purpose, they often serve social and emotional functions, like offering affection, a sense of belonging, and life support. At times, family relationships can also be task-oriented, especially when caregiving or shared responsibilities are involved.
Consider your own relationships. Which ones provide emotional support? Which ones help you meet goals or complete tasks? Do some do both? The purpose of a relationship can evolve over time, and understanding the roles they play helps us communicate more effectively within them.
7.1.2 Relationship Characteristics
However, all relationships are not the same. The following relationship characteristics help define and differentiate our relationships with others. These characteristics are: duration, contact frequency, sharing, support, interaction variability, and goals (Gamble & Gamble, 2014).
Some friendships last a lifetime, others last a short period. The length of any relationship is referred to as that relationship’s duration. People who grew up in small towns might have had the same classmate till graduation. This is due to the fact that duration with each person is different. Some people we meet in college and we will never see them again. Hence, our duration with that person is short. Duration is related to the length of your relationship with that person.
Second, contact frequency is how often you communicate with their other person. There are people in our lives we have known for years but only talk to infrequently. The more we communicate with others, the closer our bond becomes to the other person. Sometimes people think duration is the real test of a relationship, but it also depends on how often you communicate with the other person.
The third relationship characteristic is sharing. The more we spend time with other people and interact with them, the more we are likely to share information about ourselves. This type of sharing often involves private, intimate details about our thoughts and feelings. We typically don’t share this information with a stranger. Once we develop a sense of trust and support with this person, we can begin to share more details.
The fourth characteristic is support. Think of the people in your life and who you would be able to call in case of an emergency. The ones that come to mind are the ones you know who would be supportive of you. They would support you if you needed help, money, time, or advice. For instance, if you need relationship advice, you would probably pick someone who has relationship knowledge and would support you in your decision. Support is so important. It was found that a major difference between married and dating couples is that married couples were more likely to provide supportive communication behaviors to their partners more than dating couples (Punyanunt-Carter, 2004).
The fifth defining characteristic of relationships is the interaction variability. When we have a relationship with another person, it is not defined on your interaction with them, rather on the different types of conversations you can have with that person. When you were little, you probably knew that if you were to approach your mom, she might respond a certain way as opposed to your Dad, who might respond differently. Hence, you knew that your interaction would vary. The same thing happens with your classmates because you don’t just talk about class with them. You might talk about other events on campus or social events. Therefore, our interactions with others are defined by the greater variability that we have with one person as opposed to another.
The last relationship characteristic is goals. In every relationship we enter into, we have certain expectations about that relationship. For instance, if your goal is to get closer to another person through communication, you might share your thoughts and feelings and expect the other person to do the same. If they do not, then you will probably feel like the goals in your relationship were not met because they didn’t share information. The same goes for other types of relationships. We typically expect that our significant other will be truthful, supportive, and faithful. If they break that goal, then it causes problems in the relationship and could end the relationship. Hence, in all our relationships, we have goals and expectations about how the relationship will function and operate.
7.2 Relationship Formation
Understanding why we form relationships is only part of the picture. To build meaningful connections, we also need to understand how relationships begin in the first place. Whether it’s a friendship, romantic partnership, or professional connection, certain factors influence who we’re drawn to and why we choose to engage. In this section, we’ll explore the process of relational formation through the lens of interpersonal attraction theory (Duck, 1993; Graziano & Bruce, 2008)—which examines how factors such as proximity, similarity, physical attractiveness, and reciprocal liking may lead to new connections.
7.2.1 Understanding Attraction
Before we build relationships, something must first draw us toward another person. This initial pull is known as interpersonal attraction, the force that brings people together and motivates us to pursue a connection (Duck, 1993). Whether you’re meeting someone in class, online, or through mutual friends, attraction plays a key role in whether we choose to engage further. But attraction isn’t a one-size-fits-all concept—it can take on different forms depending on the context and the individuals involved.
Researchers have identified three primary types of attraction: physical, social, and task. Physical attraction refers to the degree to which you find another person aesthetically pleasing. What is deemed aesthetically pleasing can alter greatly from one culture to the next. We also know that pop culture can greatly define what is considered to be physically appealing from one era to the next. For example, in the U.S. in the 1950s, curvy women like Marilyn Monroe and Elizabeth Taylor depicted an industry standard of “beauty” , whereas in the 1990s, supermodels who were thin and tall dominated the screens. Although discussions of male physical attraction occur less often, they are equally impacted by pop culture. In the 1950s, you had solid men like Robert Mitchum and Marlon Brando as compared to the heavily muscled men of the 2010s like Joe Manganiello or Zac Efron.
The second type of attraction is social attraction, or the degree to which an individual sees another person as entertaining, intriguing, and fun to be around. We all have finite sources when it comes to the amount of time we have in a given day. We prefer to socialize with people that we think are fun. These people may entertain us or they may just fascinate us. No matter the reason, we find some people more socially desirable than others. Social attraction can also be a factor of power. For example, in situations where there are kids in the “in-group” and those that are not. In this case, those that are considered popular hold more power and are perceived as being more socially desirable to associate with. This relationship becomes problematic when these individuals decide to use this social desirability as a tool or weapon against others.
The final type of attraction is task attraction, or people we are attracted to because they possess specific knowledge and/or skills that help us accomplish specific goals. The first part of this definition requires that the target of task attraction possess specific knowledge and/or skills. Maybe you have a friend who is good with computers who will always fix your computer when something goes wrong. Maybe you have a friend who is good in math and can tutor you. Of course, the purpose of these relationships is to help you accomplish your own goals. In the first case, you have the goal of not having a broken down computer. In the second case, you have the goal of passing math. This is not to say that an individual may only be viewed as task attractive, but many relationships we form are because of task attraction in our lives.
7.2.2 Reasons for Attraction
Now that we’ve looked at the basics of what attraction is. Let’s switch gears and talk about why we are attracted to each other. There are several reasons researchers have found for our attraction to others including proximity, physicality, perceived gain, similarities and differences, and disclosure.
Physical Proximity
When you ask some people how they met their significant other, you will often hear proximity is a factor in how they met. Perhaps, they were taking the same class or their families went to the same grocery store. These commonplaces create opportunities for others to meet and mingle. We are more likely to talk to people that we see frequently.
Physical Attractiveness
In day-to-day interactions, you are more likely to pay attention to someone you find more attractive than others. Research shows that males place more emphasis on physical attractiveness than females (Samovar, & Porter, 1995). Appearance is very important at the beginning of the relationship.
Perceived Gain
When we feel drawn to someone—whether as a friend, romantic partner, or collaborator—one key reason is often the rewards we associate with that person. In the context of interpersonal attraction theory, rewards refer to the positive outcomes or benefits we expect to gain from being around someone.
- Rewards are the things we want to acquire. They could be tangible (e.g., food, money, clothes) or intangible (support, admiration, status).
- Costs are undesirable things that we don’t want to expend a lot of energy to do. For instance, we don’t want to have to constantly nag the other person to call us or spend a lot of time arguing about past items.
According to Social Exchange Theory (see sidebar), we tend to be attracted to people who offer us high rewards with relatively low costs (Thibaut & Kelley, 1959). For instance, you might feel drawn to someone because they make you laugh (social reward), boost your confidence (emotional reward), or help you with class assignments (task reward). When we perceive that being in a relationship with someone is likely to be rewarding, that perception increases our attraction to them.
This doesn’t mean attraction is purely transactional—but it does suggest that our minds often evaluate relationships in terms of what we gain or stand to lose, even if we’re not consciously doing the math.
When seeking new relationships, we tend to look for others that can help us or benefit us in some way. This type of relationship might appear to be like an economic model and can be explained by exchange theory (Stafford, 2008). In other words, we will form relationships with people who can offer us rewards that outweigh the costs.
Similarities and Differences
It feels comforting when someone who appears to like the same things you like also has other similarities to you. Thus, you don’t have to explain yourself or give reasons for doing things a certain way. People with similar cultural, ethnic, or religious backgrounds are typically drawn to each other for this reason. It is also known as similarity thesis. The similarity thesis basically states that we are attracted to and tend to form relationships with others who are similar to us (Adler, Rosenfeld, & Proctor II, 2013). There are three reasons why similarity thesis works: validation, predictability, and affiliation.
- First, it is validating to know that someone likes the same things that we do. It confirms and endorses what we believe. In turn, it increases support and affection.
- Second, when we are similar to another person, we can make predictions about what they will like and not like. We can make better estimations and expectations about what the person will do and how they will behave.
- The third reason is due to the fact that we like others that are similar to us and thus they should like us because we are the same. Hence, it creates affiliation or connection with that other person.
However, there are some people who are attracted to someone completely opposite from who they are. This is where differences come into play. Differences can make a relationship stronger, especially when you have a relationship that is complementary. In complementary relationships, each person in the relationship can help satisfy the other person’s needs. For instance, one person likes to talk, and the other person likes to listen. They get along great because they can be comfortable in their communication behaviors and roles. In addition, they don’t have to argue over who will need to talk. Another example might be that one person likes to cook, and the other person likes to eat. This is a great relationship because both people are getting what they like to do, and it complements each other’s talents. Usually, friction will occur when there are differences of opinion or control issues. For example, if you have someone who loves to spend money and the other person who loves to save money, it might be very hard to decide how to handle financial issues.
Disclosure
Sometimes we form relationships with others after we have disclosed something about ourselves to others. Disclosure, or sharing about yourself, increases liking because it creates support and trust between you and this other person. We typically don’t disclose our most intimate thoughts to a stranger. We do this behavior with people we are close to because it creates a bond with the other person.
Disclosure is not the only factor that can lead to forming relationships. Disclosure needs to be appropriate and reciprocal (Dindia, 2000). In other words, if you provide information, it must be mutual. If you reveal too much or too little, it might be regarded as inappropriate and can create tension. Also, if you disclose information too soon or too quickly in the relationship, it can create some negative outcomes.
7.3 Stages of Relationships
Every relationship goes through various stages. Mark Knapp first introduced The Stage Model of Relationship Development after identifying patterns on the ways many relationships of choice progress (1984; Knapp & Vangelisti, 1992). The following model describes these five stages of coming together, and five stages of coming apart. As you read about the stages, remember that all relationships do not go through ALL stages. You may have only experienced a few relationships that have progressed into a bonding stage. Relationships can also go backwards and forwards through this model. It is normal to experience some de-escalation in a friendship that grows apart, but this can be followed with an escalation period as you and your friend become close again.
7.3.1 Coming Together
Do you remember when you first met that special someone in your life? How did your relationship start? How did you two become closer? Every relationship has to start somewhere. It begins and grows. In this section, we will learn about the coming together stages, which include: initiating, experimenting, intensifying, integrating, and then bonding.
Initiating
At the beginning of every relationship, we have to figure out if we want to put in the energy and effort to talk to the other person. If we are interested in pursuing the relationship, we have to let the other person know that we are interested in initiating a conversation.
There are different types of initiation. Sustaining is trying to continue the conversation. Networking is where you contact others for a relationship. An offering is where you present your interest in some manner. Approaching is where you directly make contact with the other person. We can begin a relationship in a variety of different ways.
Communication at this initiating stage is very brief. We might say hello and introduce yourself to the other person. You might smile or wink to let the other person know you are interested in making conversation with him or her. The conversation is very superficial and not very personal at all. At this stage, we are primarily interested in making contact.
Experimenting
After we have initiated communication with the other person, we go to the next stage, which is experimenting. At this stage, you are trying to figure out if you want to continue the relationship further. We are trying to learn more about the other person.
At this stage, interactions are very casual. You are looking for common ground or similarities that you share. You might talk about your favorite things, such as colors, sports, teachers, etc. Just like the name of the stage, we are experimenting and trying to figure out if we should move towards the next stage or not.
Intensifying
After we talk with the other person and decide that this is someone we want to have a relationship with, we enter the intensifying stage. We share more intimate and/or personal information about ourselves with that person. Conversations become more serious, and our interactions are more meaningful. At this stage, you might stop saying “I” and say “we.” So, in the past, you might have said to your partner, “I am having a night out with my friends.” It changes to “we are going to with my friends tonight.” We are becoming more serious about the relationship.
Integrating
The integrating stage is where two people truly become a couple. Before they might have been dating or enjoying each other’s company, but in this stage, they are letting people know that they are exclusively dating each other. The expectations in the relationship are higher than they were before. Your knowledge of your partner has increased. The amount of time that you spend with each other is greater.
Bonding
The next stage is the bonding stage, where you reveal to the world that your relationship to each other now exists. This only occurs with a few relationships. For example, the bonding stage could be when two partners get engaged and have an engagement announcement. For those that are very committed to the relationship, they might decide to have a wedding and get married. In every case, they are making their relationship a public announcement. They want others to know that their relationship is real.
Not every relationship will go through each of the ten stages. Several relationships do not go past the experimenting stage. Some remain happy at the intensifying or bonding stage. When both people agree that their relationship is satisfying and each person has their needs met, then stabilization occurs. Some relationships go out of order as well. For instance, in some arranged marriages, the bonding occurs first, and then the couple goes through various phases. Some people jump from one stage into another. When partners disagree about what is optimal stabilization, then disagreements and tensions will occur.
In today’s world, romantic relationships can take on a variety of different meanings and expectations. For instance, “hooking up” or having “friends with benefits” are terms that people might use to describe the status of their relationship. Many people might engage in a variety of relationships but not necessarily get married. We know that relationships vary from couple to couple. No matter what the relationship type, couples decided to come together or come apart.
7.3.2 Coming Apart
Some couples can stay in committed and wonderful relationships. However, there are some couples that after bonding, things seem to fall apart. No matter how hard they try to stay together, there is tension and disagreement. These couples go through a coming apart process that involves: differentiating, circumscribing, stagnating, avoiding, and terminating.
Differentiating
The differentiating stage is where both people are trying to figure out their own identities. Thus, instead of trying to say “we,” the partners will question “how am I different?” In this stage, differences are emphasized and similarities are overlooked.
As the partners differentiate themselves from each other, they tend to engage in more disagreements. The couples will tend to change their pronoun use from “our kitchen” becomes “my kitchen” or “our child” becomes “my child,” depending on what they want to emphasize.
Initially, in the relationship, we tend to focus on what we have in common with each other. After we have bonded, we are trying to deal with balancing our independence from the other person. If this cannot be resolved, then tensions will emerge, and it usually signals that your relationship is coming apart.
Circumscribing
The circumscribing stage is where the partners tend to limit their interactions with each other. Communication will lessen in quality and quantity. Partners try to figure out what they can and can’t talk about with each other so that they will not argue.
Partners might not spend as much time with each other at this stage. There are fewer physical displays of affection, as well. Intimacy decreases between the partners. The partners no longer desire to be with each other and only communicate when they have to.
Stagnating
The next stage is stagnating, which means the relationship is not improving or growing. The relationship is motionless or stagnating. Partners do not try to communicate with each other. When communication does occur, it is usually restrained and often awkward. The partners live with each other physically but not emotionally. They tend to distance themselves from the other person. Their enthusiasm for the relationship is gone. What used to be fun and exciting for the couple is now a chore.
Avoiding
The avoiding stage is where both people avoid each other altogether. They would rather stay away from each other than communicate. At this stage, the partners do not want to see each other or speak to each other. Sometimes, the partners will think that they don’t want to be in the relationship any longer.
Terminating
The terminating stage is where the parties decide to end or terminate the relationship. It is never easy to end a relationship. A variety of factors can determine whether to cease or continue the relationship. Time is a factor. Couples have to decide to end it gradually or quickly. Couples also have to determine what happens after the termination of the relationship. Besides, partners have to choose how they want to end the relationship. For instance, some people end the relationship via electronic means (e.g., text message, email, social media posting) or via face-to-face.
7.4 Relationship Maintenance
You may have heard that relationships are hard work. Relationships need maintenance and care. Just like your body needs food and your car needs gasoline to run, your relationships need attention as well. When people are in a relationship with each other, what makes a difference to keep people together is how they feel when they are with each other. Maintenance can make a relationship more satisfying and successful.
Daniel Canary and Laura Stafford stated that “most people desire long-term, stable, and satisfying relationships” (1994). To keep a satisfying relationship, individuals must utilize relationship maintenance behaviors. They believed that if individuals do not maintain their relationships, the relationships will weaken and/or end. “It is naïve to assume that relationships simply stay together until they fall apart or that they happen to stay together” (Canary & Stafford, 1994).
Relationship maintenance is the stabilization point between relationship initiation and potential relationship destruction (Duck, 1988). There are two elements to relationship maintenance. First, strategic plans are intentional behaviors and actions used to maintain the relationship. Second, everyday interactions help to sustain the relationship. Most importantly, talk is the most important element in relationship maintenance (Duck, 1994).
Laura Stafford and Daniel Canary (1991) found five key relationship maintenance behaviors.
- First, positivity is a relational maintenance factor used by communicating with their partners in a happy and supportive manner.
- Second, openness occurs when partners focus their communication on the relationship.
- Third, assurances are words that emphasize the partners’ commitment to the duration of the relationship.
- Fourth, networking is communicating with family and friends.
- Lastly, sharing tasks is doing work or household tasks.
- Later, Canary and his colleagues found two more relationship maintenance behaviors: conflict management and advice (Canary & Zelley, 2000).
Additionally, Canary and Stafford also posited four propositions that serve as a conceptual framework for relationship maintenance research (Canary & Stafford, 1994).The first proposition is that relationships will worsen if they are not maintained. The second proposition is that both partners must feel that there are equal benefits and sacrifices in the relationship for it to sustain. The third proposition states that maintenance behaviors depend on the type of relationship. The fourth proposition is that relationship maintenance behaviors can be used alone or as a mixture to affect perceptions of the relationship. Overall, these propositions illustrate the importance and effect that relationship maintenance behaviors can have on relationships.
7.5 Tensions in Relationships
Relationship Dialectics
We know that all relationships go through change. The changes in a relationship are usually dependent on communication. When a relationship starts, there is lots of positive and ample communication between the parties. However, there are times that couples go through a redundant problem, and it is important to learn how to deal with this problem. Partners can’t always know what their significant other desires or needs from them.
Dialectics had been a concept known well too many scholars for many years. They are simply the pushes and pulls that can be found every day in relationships of all types. This perspective examines how we must manage these push-pull tensions that arise, because they cannot be fully resolved. The management of the tensions is usually based on past experiences; what worked for a person in the past will be what they decide to use in the future. These tensions are both contradictory and interdependent because without one, the other is not understood. Dialectical tension is how individuals deal with struggles in their relationship. There are opposing forces or struggles that couples have to deal with (Baxter, 2004; Baxter & Montgomery, 1996).
The overarching premise to dialectical tensions is that all personal ties and relationships are always in a state of constant flux and contradiction. Relational dialectics highlight a “dynamic knot of contradictions in personal relationships; an unceasing interplay between contrary or opposing tendencies” (Griffin, 2009).The concept of contradiction is crucial to understanding relational dialectics. The contradiction is when there are opposing sides to a situation. These contradictions tend to arise when both parties are considered interdependent. Dialectical tension is natural and inevitable. All relationships are complex because human beings are complex, and this fact is reflected in our communicative processes. Baxter and Montgomery argue that tension arises because we are drawn to the antitheses of opposing sides. These contradictions must be met with a “both/and” approach as opposed to the “either/or” mindset. However, the “both/and” approach lends to tension and pressure, which almost always guarantees that relationships are not easy. Below are some different relational dialectics (Baxter, & Montgomery, 1996):
1) Autonomy-Connection
This is where partners seek involvement but not willing to sacrifice their entire identity. For instance, in a marriage, some women struggle with taking their partner’s last name, keeping their maiden name, or combine the two. Often when partners were single, they might have engaged in a girl’s night out or a guy’s night out. When in a committed relationship, one partner might feel left out and want to be more involved. Thus, struggles and conflict occur until the couple can figure out a way to deal with this issue.
2) Predictability–Novelty
This deals with rituals/routines compared to novelty. For instance, for some mothers, it is tough to accept that their child is an adult. They want their child to grow up at the same time it is difficult to recognize how their child has grown up.
3) Transparency-Privacy
Disclosure is necessary, but there is a need for privacy. For some couples, diaries work to keep things private. Yet, there are times when their partner needs to know what can’t be expressed directly through words.
4) Similarity-Difference
This tension deals with self vs. others. Some couples are very similar in their thinking and beliefs. This is good because it makes communication easier and conflict resolution smoother. Yet, if partners are too similar, then they cannot grow. Differences can help couples mature and create stimulation.
5) Ideal-Real
Couples will perceive some things as good and some things as bad. Their perceptions of what is real may interfere or inhibit perceptions of what is real. For instance, a couple may think that their relationship is perfect. But from an outsider, they might think that the relationship is abusive and devastating.
Another example might be that a young dating couple thinks that they do not have to marry each other because it is the ideal and accepted view of taking the relationship to the next phase. Thus, the couples move in together and raise a family without being married. They have deviated from what is an ideal normative cultural script (Baxter, 2006).
6) Judgement-Acceptance
In our friendships, we often feel the simultaneous need to be accepting of our friends for who they are, but also be honest and open with them. In this example, Phoebe wants to help Joey, but she also thinks he is being unreasonable.
Every relationship is fraught with these dialectical tensions. There’s no way around them. However, there are different ways of managing dialectical tensions:
- Denial is where we respond to one end. For example, in a romantic relationship, one partner wants closeness (connection) while the other desires more independence (autonomy). The couple might deny the tension by only focusing on closeness, spending all their time together, and ignoring the need for independence, which might lead to issues later.
- Disorientation is where we feel overwhelmed. We fight, freeze, or leave. For example, a young couple experiencing their first serious conflict may feel overwhelmed by the tension between wanting to stay close (connection) and needing space (autonomy). They might freeze and avoid each other, or have explosive arguments without resolution.
- Alternation is where we choose one end on different occasions. For example, in a friendship, two people balance the need for openness and privacy. They might choose to be very open and share everything during some conversations, but at other times, they respect each other’s need for privacy, alternating between these two extremes depending on the context.
- Recalibration is reframing the situation or perspective. For example, a couple experiencing tension between predictability and novelty reframes their perspective by recognizing that their routine doesn’t have to be boring. Instead, they see stability as a foundation that allows them to introduce new experiences, such as traveling together, without destabilizing their relationship.
- Segmentation is where we compartmentalize different areas. This may sound very similar to alternation, above. For example, in a friendship balancing the need for openness and privacy, the friends may be very open about their romantic relationships, telling each other all of the details of their romantic encounters. But if the subject moves to family relationships, the friends may decide to stay closed off in this area.
- Balance is where we manage and compromise our needs. For example, when a person realizes that their partner cannot be “perfect”, and changes their standards to a more realistic level.
- Integration is blending different perspectives. For example, in a long-distance relationship, the couple integrates the desire for both autonomy and connection by scheduling regular virtual dates but also encouraging each other to pursue individual hobbies and social lives outside of the relationship.
- Reaffirmation is having the knowledge & accepting our differences. For example, partners in a marriage might accept that they will always have different approaches to handling money—one being a saver and the other a spender. They reaffirm their differences by discussing them openly, acknowledging that the tension is a natural and ongoing part of their relationship, and working through it without trying to change each other.
These strategies will come up again as we discuss conflict in chapter 8. Not every couple deals with dialectical tensions in the same way. Some will use a certain strategy during specific situations, and others will use the same strategy every time there is tension.
Wrap Up
Relationships are at the core of human experience, shaping how we connect, grow, and find meaning in our lives. In this chapter, we explored key theories and concepts that help us understand the dynamic nature of interpersonal relationships—from what draws us together to what keeps us connected over time. Theories like interpersonal attraction and social exchange help explain the “why” behind our relationship choices, while frameworks like the stage model of relationships and relational dialectics highlight the fluid, ever-evolving journey of connection.
Relationship maintenance is not a one-time effort but an ongoing process that requires intention, communication, and adaptability. By recognizing the tensions that exist in all relationships and using strategies to balance them, we can build deeper, more resilient connections.
Ultimately, strong relationships are not built solely on attraction or compatibility but on the everyday choices we make—how we show support, manage conflict, negotiate change, and communicate care. Understanding these concepts empowers us to be more mindful, empathetic, and effective in cultivating relationships that enrich our lives and the lives of those around us.
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Canary, D. J., & Zelley, E. D. (2000). Current research programs on relational maintenance behaviors. Communication Yearbook, 23, 305-340.
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Duck, S. (1988). Relating to others. Dorsey Press.
Duck, S. (1993). Personal Relationships and Personal Constructs: A Study of Friendship Formation. Wiley.
Duck, S. (1994). Steady as (s)he goes: Relational maintenance as a shared meaning system. In D. J. Canary & L. Stafford (Eds.). Communication and relational maintenance (pp. 45-60). Academic Press.
Gamble, T. K.., & Gamble, M. W. (2014). Interpersonal communication: Building connections together. Sage.
Gervis, Z. (2019, May 9). Why the average American hasn’t made a new friend in five years. SWNS digital. https://tinyurl.com/yxtc2htg
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Goddard, I., & Parker, K. (2025, January 16). Men, women and social connections. Pew Research Foundation. Retrieved from https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2025/01/16/men-women-and-social-connections/
Graziano, W. G., & Bruce, J. W. (2008). Attraction and the initiation of relationships: A review of the empirical literature. In S. Sprecher, A. Wenzel, and J. Harvey (Eds.),.Handbook of Relationship Initiation, Psychology Press.
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Figures
Figure 7.1. Rinalidi, E. (2017). Zac Efron at the Baywatch Red Carpet Premier Sydney Australia. https://www.flickr.com/photos/evarinaldiphotography/34732955995/in/album-72157680824643334/, CC BY 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=68196882
Figure 7.2. Krukau, Y. (2021). Women singing together. Pexels license. Retrieved from https://www.pexels.com/photo/women-singing-together-9008830/
Figure 7.3. Jopwell. (2019). Woman in a blue suit jacket. Pexels license. Retrieved from https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-in-blue-suit-jacket-2422293/
Figure 7.4. Knapp and Vangelisti Model of Relationships. Interpersonal Communication Copyright © by Jason S. Wrench; Narissra M. Punyanunt-Carter; and Katherine S. Thweatt.
Figure 7.5 Relationship Maintenance Behaviors. Interpersonal Communication Copyright © by Jason S. Wrench; Narissra M. Punyanunt-Carter; and Katherine S. Thweatt.
Tensions in a relationship where individuals need to deal with integration vs. separation, expression vs. privacy, and stability vs. change.
Expectations about how the relationship will function.
Introduction
10.1 Introduction to Public Speaking
Public speaking is a vital area of study within the broader field of communication. It focuses on the intentional, structured, and purposeful act of delivering messages to an audience—whether that audience is large or small, formal or informal, in person or online. Public speaking draws on principles from interpersonal, intercultural, and rhetorical communication, blending the art of persuasion with the science of message design and delivery (West & Turner, 2024).
Strong public speaking skills are essential in many areas of life. Whether you're presenting a project in class, giving a toast at a wedding, interviewing for a job, pitching a new idea at work, or advocating for a cause you care about, your ability to clearly and confidently express your thoughts can make a lasting impact. Public speaking helps individuals organize ideas effectively, connect with diverse audiences, and influence others through storytelling, evidence, and strategic delivery.
This is why public speaking is a foundational part of any introductory communication course. Learning how to prepare and deliver speeches not only helps students overcome anxiety and gain confidence, but also builds critical thinking, listening, and collaboration skills. In today's fast-paced, media-rich world, being an effective speaker is not just about talking—it's about engaging, informing, and inspiring others. By studying public speaking, students prepare to be thoughtful communicators in both their professional and personal lives.
The remainder of this chapter will help you to get started with public speaking and covers speech-making topics such as: 1) identifying the best topic, 2) determining how to best support your speech, 3) how to organize or structure your public speaking messages, and 4) written communication tools such as outlines.
10.2 Selecting and Narrowing a Topic
Many steps go into the speech-making process. Many people do not approach speech preparation in an informed and systematic way, which results in many poorly planned or executed speeches that are not pleasant to sit through as an audience member and do not reflect well on the speaker. Good speaking skills can help you stand out from the crowd in increasingly competitive environments. While a polished delivery is important, good speaking skills must be practiced much earlier in the speech-making process (James Madison University Writing Center, 2021).
10.2.1 Analyze Your Audience
Audience analysis is key for a speaker to achieve their speech goal. One of the first questions you should ask yourself is “Who is my audience?” While there are some generalizations you can make about an audience, a competent speaker always assumes there is a diversity of opinion and background among his or her listeners. You cannot assume from looking that everyone in your audience is the same age, race, sexual orientation, religion, or many other factors. Even if you did have a homogenous audience, with only one or two people who do not match up, you should still consider those one or two people. Of course, a speaker could still unintentionally alienate certain audience members, especially in persuasive speaking situations. While this may be unavoidable, speakers can still think critically about what content they include in the speech and the effects it may have (James Madison University Communication Center, 2021).
Here are some ways you can think about audience analysis:
- Demographic Audience Analysis: Demographics are broad sociocultural categories, such as age, gender, race, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, education level, religion, ethnicity, and nationality used to segment a larger population. Since you are always going to have diverse demographics among your audience members, it would be unwise to focus solely on one group over another. Being aware of audience demographics is useful because you can tailor and vary examples in order to appeal to different groups of people (James Madison University Communication Center, 2021).
- Psychological Audience Analysis: Psychological audience analysis considers the audience’s psychological dispositions (thoughts, attitudes, experience) toward the topic, the speaker, and the occasion as well as how their attitudes, beliefs, and values inform those dispositions (Dlugan, 2012). What is your audience's mindset coming into the speech? Do they like or dislike the topic? How do they feel about you? All these factors can impact the success of your speech. Here are some things to consider when choosing your topic and considering what to cover in your speech:
- Motivation for being there. The circumstances that led your audience to attend your speech will affect their view of the occasion (Dlugan, 2012).
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Figure 10.1: Mandatory work meetings are an example of captive audiences. A captive audience includes people who are required to attend your presentation. Mandatory meetings are common in workplace settings. Whether you are presenting for a group of your employees, coworkers, classmates, or even residents in your dorm if you are a resident advisor, you should not let the fact that the meeting is required give you license to give a half-hearted speech. In fact, you may want to build common ground with your audience to overcome any potential resentment for the required gathering. In your speech class, your classmates are captive audience members.
- A voluntary audience includes people who have decided to come hear your speech. To help adapt to a voluntary audience, ask yourself what the audience members expect (Dlugan, 2012). Why are they here? If they have decided to come and see you, they must be interested in your topic or you as a speaker. Perhaps you have a reputation for being humorous, being able to translate complicated information into more digestible parts, or being interactive with the audience and responding to questions. Whatever the reason or reasons, it is important to make sure you deliver on those aspects. If people are voluntarily giving up their time to hear you, you want to make sure they get what they expected.
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- Feelings about YOU, the Speaker. The audience may or may not have preconceptions about you as a speaker. One way to engage positively with your audience is to make sure you establish your credibility. In terms of credibility, you want the audience to see you as competent, trustworthy, and engaging. If the audience is already familiar with you, they may already see you as a credible speaker because they have seen you speak before, have heard other people evaluate you positively, or know that you have credentials and/or experience that make you competent. If you know you have a reputation that is not as positive, you will want to work hard to overcome those perceptions. To establish your trustworthiness, you want to incorporate good supporting material into your speech, verbally cite sources, and present information and arguments in a balanced, non-coercive, and non-manipulative way. To establish yourself as engaging, you want to have a well-delivered speech, which requires you to practice, get feedback, and practice some more. Your verbal and nonverbal delivery should be fluent and appropriate to the audience and occasion.
- Knowledge. When considering your audience’s disposition toward your topic, you want to assess your audience’s knowledge of the subject. You would not include a lesson on calculus in an introductory math course. You also would not go into the intricacies of a heart transplant to an audience with no medical training.
- Perception. A final aspect of psychological audience analysis involves considering the audience’s attitudes, beliefs, and values, as they will influence all the perceptions mentioned previously (Dlugan, 2012). As you can see in the figure below, think of our attitudes, beliefs, and values as layers that make up our perception and knowledge.
- Motivation for being there. The circumstances that led your audience to attend your speech will affect their view of the occasion (Dlugan, 2012).
At the outermost level, attitudes are our likes and dislikes, and they are easier to influence than beliefs or values because they are often reactionary (Dlugan, 2012). If you have ever followed the approval rating of a politician, you know that people’s likes and dislikes change frequently and can change dramatically based on recent developments. This is also true interpersonally. For those of you who have siblings, think about how you can go from liking your sisters or brothers, maybe because they did something nice for you, to disliking them because they upset you. This seesaw of attitudes can go up and down over the course of a day or even a few minutes, but it can still be useful for a speaker to consider. If there is something going on in popular culture or current events that has captured people’s attention and favor or disfavor, then you can tap into that as a speaker to better relate to your audience.
When considering beliefs, we are dealing with what we believe “is or isn’t” or “true or false.” We come to hold our beliefs based on what we are taught, experience for ourselves, or believe (Dlugan, 2012). Our beliefs change if we encounter new information or experiences that counter previous ones. As people age and experience more, their beliefs are likely to change, which is natural.
Our values deal with what we view as right or wrong, good or bad (Dlugan, 2012). Our values do change over time but usually because of a life transition or life-changing event such as a birth, death, or trauma. For example, when many people leave their parents’ control for the first time and move away from home, they have a shift in values that occurs as they make this important and challenging life transition. In summary, audiences enter a speaking situation with various psychological dispositions, and considering what those may be can help speakers adapt their messages and better meet their speech goals.
10.2.2 General Purpose
Your speeches will usually fall into one of three categories. In some cases, we speak to inform, meaning we attempt to teach our audience using factual objective evidence. In other cases, we speak to persuade, as we try to influence an audience’s beliefs, attitudes, values, or behaviors. Last, we may speak to entertain or amuse our audience. In summary, the general purpose of your speech will be to inform, to persuade, or to entertain.
You can see various topics that may fit into the three general purposes for speaking in the table below “General Purposes and Speech Topics”. Some of the topics listed could fall into another general purpose category depending on how the speaker approached the topic, or they could contain elements of more than one general purpose. For example, you may have to inform your audience about your topic in one main point before you can persuade them, or you may include some entertaining elements in an informative or persuasive speech to help make the content more engaging for the audience. There should not be elements of persuasion included in an informative speech, however, since persuading is contrary to the objective approach that defines an informative general purpose. In any case, while there may be some overlap between general purposes, we place most speeches into one of the categories based on the overall content of the speech.
| Inform | Persuade | Entertain | |
| Definition | to teach, define, describe, explain, or enhance knowledge in some way (increase knowledge and understanding) | to change or reinforce ideas, or urge your audience to do something (influence thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors) | to amuse, share enjoyment, or make others laugh and smile (spark positive emotions) |
| General Purpose Statement (Example Topic: Travel) | By the end of this speech, the audience will be able to describe the most popular travel destinations in the U.S. | By the end of this speech, the audience will plan a trip abroad. | By the end of this speech my audience will be laughing at my travel misadventures. |
10.2.3 Choosing a Topic
Once you have determined (or been assigned) your general purpose, you can begin the process of choosing a topic. In class, an instructor may give you the option of choosing any topic for your informative or persuasive speech, but in most academic, professional, and personal settings, there will be some parameters set that will help guide your topic selection. It is likely that speeches will be organized around the content covered in the class. Speeches delivered at work will usually be directed toward a specific goal, such as welcoming new employees, informing employees about changes in workplace policies, or presenting quarterly sales figures. We are also usually compelled to speak about specific things in our personal lives, like addressing a problem at our child’s school by speaking out at a school board meeting. In short, it is not often that you will be starting from scratch when you begin to choose a topic.
Whether you have received parameters that narrow your topic range or not, the first step in choosing a topic is brainstorming (James Madison University Writing Center, 2021). Brainstorming involves generating many potential topic ideas in a fast-paced and nonjudgmental manner. Brainstorming can take place multiple times, as you narrow your topic. For example, you may begin by brainstorming a list of your personal interests that you can narrow down to a speech topic. It makes sense that you will enjoy speaking about something that you care about or find interesting. The research and writing will be more interesting, and the delivery will be easier since you will not have to fake enthusiasm for your topic. Speaking about something you are familiar with and interested in can also help you manage speaking anxiety.
While it is good to start with your personal interests, some speakers may be stuck here if they do not feel like they can make their interests relevant to the audience. In that case, you can look around for ideas. If your topic is something being discussed in newspapers, on television, in the lounge at school, or around your family’s dinner table, then it is likely to be of interest and be relevant, since it is current. Figure 10.3 shows how brainstorming works in stages. A list of topics that interest the speaker are on the top row. The speaker can brainstorm subtopics for each idea to see which one may work the best. In this case, the speaker could decide to focus his or her informative speech on three common ways people come to own dogs: through breeders, pet stores, or shelters.
Overall, you can follow these tips as you select and narrow your topic:
- Brainstorm topics that you are familiar with, interest you, and/or are currently topics of discussion.
- Choose a topic appropriate for the assignment/occasion.
- Choose a topic that you can make relevant to your audience.
- Choose a topic that you have the resources to research (access to information, people to interview, etc.).
10.2.4 Specific Purpose
Once you have brainstormed, narrowed, and chosen your topic, you can begin to draft your specific purpose statement. Your specific purpose is a one-sentence statement that includes the objective you want to accomplish in your speech. You do not speak aloud your specific purpose during your speech; you use it to guide your researching, organizing, and writing. A good specific purpose statement is 1) audience centered, 2) agrees with the general purpose, 3) addresses one main idea, and 4) is realistic.
An audience-centered specific purpose statement usually contains an explicit reference to the audience—for example, “my audience” or “the audience.” Since a speaker may want to see if he or she effectively met his or her specific purpose, write the objective so that it could be measured or assessed. Moreover, since a speaker actually wants to achieve his or her speech goal, the specific purpose should also be realistic. You will not be able to teach the audience a foreign language or persuade an atheist to Christianity in a six- to nine-minute speech. The following is a good example of a good specific purpose statement for an informative speech: “By the end of my speech, the audience will be better informed about the effects the green movement has had on schools.” The statement is audience-centered and matches with the general purpose by stating, “The audience will be better informed.” The speaker could also test this specific purpose by asking the audience to write down, at the end of the speech, three effects the green movement has had on schools.
10.2.5 Thesis Statement
Your thesis statement is a one-sentence summary of the central idea of your speech that you either explain or defend (James Madison University Communication Center, 2021). You would explain the thesis statement for an informative speech, since these speeches are based on factual, objective material. You would defend your thesis statement for a persuasive speech, because these speeches are argumentative and your thesis should clearly indicate a stance on a particular issue. In order to make sure your thesis is argumentative and your stance clear, it is helpful to start your thesis with the words “I believe.” When starting to work on a persuasive speech, it can also be beneficial to write out a counterargument to your thesis to ensure that it is arguable.
The thesis statement is different from the specific purpose in two main ways. First, the thesis statement is content centered, while the specific purpose statement is audience centered. Second, the thesis statement is incorporated into the spoken portion of your speech, while the specific purpose serves as a guide for your research and writing and an objective that you can measure (Goodwin, 2017). A good thesis statement is declarative, agrees with the general and specific purposes, and focuses and narrows your topic. Although you will likely end up revising and refining your thesis as you research and write, it is good to draft a thesis statement soon after drafting a specific purpose to help guide your progress. As with the specific purpose statement, your thesis helps ensure that your research, organizing, and writing are focused so you don’t end up wasting time with irrelevant materials. Keep your specific purpose and thesis statement handy (drafting them at the top of your working outline is a good idea) so you can reference them often. The following examples show how a general purpose, specific purpose, and thesis statement match up with a topic area:
Example 1
Topic: My Craziest Adventure
General purpose: To Entertain
Specific purpose: By the end of my speech, the audience will appreciate the lasting memories that result from an eighteen-year-old visiting New Orleans for the first time.
Thesis statement: New Orleans offers young tourists many opportunities for fun and excitement.
Example 2
Topic: Renewable Energy
General purpose: To Inform
Specific purpose: By the end of my speech, the audience will be able to explain the basics of using biomass as fuel.
Thesis statement: Biomass is a renewable resource that releases gases that can be used for fuel.
Example 3
Topic: Privacy Rights
General purpose: To Persuade
Specific purpose: By the end of my speech, my audience will believe that parents should not be able to use tracking devices to monitor their teenage child’s activities.
Thesis statement: I believe that it is a violation of a child’s privacy to be electronically monitored by his or her parents.
10.3 Researching and Supporting Your Speech
We live in an age where access to information is more convenient than ever before. The days of photocopying journal articles in the stacks of the library or looking up newspaper articles on microfilm are over for most. Yet, even though we have all this information readily available, research skills are more important than ever. Our challenge now is not accessing information but discerning what information is credible and relevant. Even though it may sound inconvenient to have to go physically to the library, students who did research before the digital revolution did not have to worry as much about discerning. If you found a source in the library, you could be assured of its credibility because a librarian had subscribed to or purchased that content. When you use Internet resources like Google or Wikipedia, you have no guarantees about some of the content that comes up.
10.3.1 Finding Supporting Material
As was noted earlier, it is good to speak about something with which you are already familiar. So existing knowledge forms the first step of your research process. Depending on how familiar you are with a topic, you will need to do more or less background research before you actually start incorporating sources to support your speech. Background research is just a review of summaries available for your topic that helps refresh or create your knowledge about the subject. It is not the more focused and academic research that you will actually use to support and verbally cite in your speech.
Your first step for research in college should be library resources, not Google, Bing, or other general search engines. In most cases, you can still do your library research from the comfort of a computer, which makes it as accessible as Google but gives you much better results. Excellent and underutilized resources at college and university libraries are reference librarians. Reference librarians are not like the people who likely staffed your high school library. They are information-retrieval experts. At most colleges and universities, you can find a reference librarian who has at least a master’s degree in library and information sciences, and at some larger or specialized schools, reference librarians have doctoral degrees. Research can seem like a maze, and reference librarians can help you navigate the maze. There may be dead ends, but there is always another way around to reach the end goal.
Unfortunately, many students hit their first dead end and give up or assume that there is not enough research out there to support their speech. If you have thought of a topic to do your speech on, someone else has thought of it, too, and people have written and published about it. Reference librarians can help you find that information (Matook, 2020). Meet with a reference librarian face-to-face and take your assignment sheet and topic idea with you. In most cases, students report that they came away with more information than they needed, which is good because you can then narrow that down to the best information. If you cannot meet with a reference librarian face-to-face, many schools now offer the option to do a live chat with a reference librarian, and you can contact them by e-mail or phone.
Aside from the human resources available in the library, you can also use electronic resources such as library databases. Library databases help you access more credible and scholarly information than what you will find using general Internet searches. These databases are quite expensive, and you cannot access them as a regular citizen without paying for them. Luckily, some of your student fee dollars go to pay for subscriptions to these databases so that you can access them as a student. Through these databases, you can access newspapers, magazines, journals, and books from around the world. Of course, libraries also house stores of physical resources like DVDs, books, academic journals, newspapers, and popular magazines (James Madison University Libraries, 2021). You can usually browse your library’s physical collection through an online catalog search. A trip to the library to browse is especially useful for books. Since most university libraries use the Library of Congress classification system, books are organized by topic. That means if you find a good book using the online catalog and go to the library to get it, you should take a moment to look around that book, because the other books in that area will be topically related. On many occasions, I have used this tip and gone to the library for one book but left with several.
Although Google is not usually the best first stop for conducting college-level research, Google Scholar is a separate search engine that narrows results down to scholarly materials. This version of Google has improved much over the past few years and has served as a good resource for my research, even for this book. A strength of Google Scholar is that you can easily search for and find articles not confined to a particular library database. The pool of resources you are searching in is much larger than what you would find by using a library database. The challenge is that you have no way of knowing if the articles that come up are available to you in full-text format. As noted earlier, you will find most academic journal articles in databases that require users to pay subscription fees. Therefore, you are often only able to access the abstracts of articles or excerpts from books that come up in a Google Scholar search. You can use that information to check your library to see if the article is available in full-text format, but if it is not, you have to go back to the search results. When you access Google Scholar on a campus network that subscribes to academic databases, however, you can sometimes click through directly to full-text articles. Although this resource is still being improved, it may be a useful alternative or backup when other search strategies are leading to dead end.
10.3.2 Types of Sources
Periodicals
Periodicals include magazines and journals that are published periodically. Many library databases can access periodicals from around the world and from years past. A common database is Academic Search Premiere (a similar version is Academic Search Complete). Many databases, like this one, allow you to narrow your search terms, which can be very helpful as you try to find good sources that are relevant to your topic. You may start by typing a key word into the first box and searching. Sometimes a general search like this can yield thousands of results, which you obviously would not have time to look through. In this case, you may limit your search to results that have your keyword in the abstract, which is the author-supplied summary of the source. If there are still too many results, you may limit your search to results that have your keyword in the title. At this point, you may have reduced those ten thousand results down to a handful, which is much more manageable.
Within your search results, you will need to distinguish between magazines and academic journals. In general, academic journals are considered more scholarly and credible than magazines because most of the content in them is peer reviewed. The peer-review process is the most rigorous form of review, which takes several months to years and ensures that the information that is published has been vetted and approved by numerous experts on the subject. Academic journals are often affiliated with professional organizations rather than for-profit corporations, and neither authors nor editors are paid for their contributions.
Newspapers and Books
Newspapers and books can be excellent sources but must still be evaluated for relevance and credibility. Newspapers are good for topics that are developing quickly, as they are updated daily. While there are well-known newspapers of record like the New York Times, smaller local papers can also be credible and relevant if your speech topic does not have national or international reach. You can access local, national, and international newspapers through electronic databases like LexisNexis.
To evaluate the credibility of a book, you will want to know some things about the author. You can usually find this information at the front or back of the book. If an author is a credentialed and recognized expert in his or her area, the book will be more credible. However, just because someone wrote a book on a subject does not mean he or she is the most credible source. The publisher of a book can also be an indicator of credibility. Books published by university/academic presses (University of Chicago Press, Duke University Press) are considered more credible than books published by trade presses (Penguin, Random House), because they are often peer reviewed and they are not primarily profit driven.
Reference Tools
The transition to college-level research means turning more toward primary sources and away from general reference materials. Primary sources are written by people with firsthand experiences or by researchers/scholars who conducted original research (National WW II Museum, n.d.). Unfortunately, many college students are reluctant to give up their reliance on reference tools like dictionaries and encyclopedias. While reference tools like dictionaries and encyclopedias are excellent for providing a speaker with a background on a topic, they should not be the foundation of your research unless they are academic and/or specialized.
Dictionaries are handy tools when we are not familiar with a particular word. However, citing a dictionary like Merriam-Webster’s as a source in your speech is often unnecessary (please don't do this). A dictionary is useful when you need to challenge a Scrabble word, but it is not the best source for college-level research.
Many students have relied on encyclopedias for research in high school, but most encyclopedias, like World Book, Encarta, or Britannica, are not primary sources. Instead, they are examples of secondary sources that aggregate, or compile, research done by others in a condensed summary (James Madison University Libraries, 2019). Reference sources like encyclopedias are excellent resources to get you informed about the basics of a topic, but at the college level, primary sources are expected. Many encyclopedias are internet-based, which makes them convenient, but they are still not primary sources, and their credibility should be even more scrutinized.
Wikipedia revolutionized how many people retrieve information and pioneered an open-publishing format that allowed a community of people to post, edit, and debate content. While this is an important contribution to society, Wikipedia is not considered a scholarly or credible source. Like other encyclopedias, Wikipedia should not be used in college-level research, because it is not a primary source. In addition, since its content can be posted and edited by anyone, we cannot be sure of the credibility of the content. Even though there are self-appointed “experts” who monitor and edit some of the information on Wikipedia, we cannot verify their credentials or the review process that information goes through before it is posted.
Interviews
When conducting an interview for a speech, you should access a person who has expertise in or direct experience with your speech topic. If you follow the suggestions for choosing a topic that were mentioned earlier, you may already know something about your speech topic and may have connections to people who would be good interview subjects. Previous employers, internship supervisors, teachers, community leaders, or even relatives may be appropriate interviewees, given your topic. If you do not have a connection to someone you can interview, you can often find someone via the Internet who would be willing to answer some questions. Many informative and persuasive speech topics relate to current issues, and most current issues have organizations that represent their needs.
Open-ended questions cannot be answered with a “yes” or “no” but they can provide descriptions and details that will add to your speech. Quotes and paraphrases from your interview can add a personal side to a topic or at least convey potentially complicated information in a more conversational and interpersonal way. Closed questions can be answered with one or two words and can provide a starting point to get to information that is more detailed. However, the interviewer must have prepared follow-up questions. Unless the guidelines or occasion for your speech suggest otherwise, you should balance your interview data with the other sources in your speech. Do not let your references to the interview take over your speech. (And yes, you should cite your references throughout your speech, including primary interviews. More on that later!)
Websites
We already know that utilizing library resources can help you automatically filter out content that may not be scholarly or credible, since the content in research databases is selected and restricted. However, some information may be better retrieved from websites. Even though research databases and websites are electronic sources, two key differences between them may affect their credibility (Brigham Young University Library, 2021).
First, most of the content in research databases is or was printed but was converted to digital formats for easier and broader access. In contrast, most of the content on websites has not been printed. Second, most of the content on research databases has gone through editorial review, which means a professional editor or a peer editor has reviewed the material to make sure it is credible and worthy of publication. Most content on websites is not subjected to the same review process, as just about anyone with internet access can self-publish information on a personal website, blog, wiki, or social media page. Therefore, what sort of information may be better retrieved from websites, and how can we evaluate the credibility of a website?
A key way to evaluate the credibility of a website is to determine the site’s accountability (Brigham Young University Library, 2021). Accountability means determining who is ultimately responsible for the content put out and whose interests the content meets. The more information that is included on a website, the better able you will be to determine its accountability. Ideally all or most of the following information would be included: organization/agency name, author’s name and contact information, date the information was posted or published, name and contact information for person in charge of web content (i.e., web editor or webmaster), and a link to information about the organization/agency/business and mission. While not all this information has to be present to warrant the use of the material, the less accountability information is available, the more you should scrutinize the information.
You can also begin to judge the credibility of a website by its domain name. Some common domain names are .com, .net, .org, .edu, .mil, and .gov. For each type of domain, there are questions you may ask that will help you evaluate the site’s credibility. You can an analysis of credibility of websites provided by Southern New Hampshire University here.
Section Takeaways: 1) Start your research in the library (or library website). 2) Peer reviewed scholarly journal articles are considered the most credible sources, however they may not always be the best fit for your speech or project. 3) Articles, books, and media can be good primary sources but you still need to use your media literacy skills to evaluate the credibility of each source individually. 4) Do not cite encyclopedias or Wikipedia, unless advised by your instructor. 5) Interviews may be a useful tool for generating original and specific content. 6) You may be able to gather credible information from websites, depending on your topic and the website itself.
10.3.3 Types of Supporting Material
There are several types of supporting material you can add to your speech. They include examples, explanations, statistics, analogies, testimony, and visual aids. You will want to have a balance of information, and you will want to include the material that is most relevant to your audience and is most likely to engage them.
- Examples: An example is a cited case that is representative of a larger whole. Examples are especially beneficial when presenting information that may be unfamiliar to an audience. They are also useful for repackaging or reviewing information that has been presented previously. Examples are used in many different ways, so you should let your audience, purpose and thesis, and research materials guide your use. You may pull examples directly from your research materials, making sure to cite the source.
- The following is an example used in a speech about the negative effects of standardized testing: “Standardized testing makes many students anxious, and even ill. On March 14, 2002, the Sacramento Bee reported that some standardized tests now come with instructions indicating what teachers should do with a test booklet if a student throws up on it.”
- You may also cite examples from your personal experience, if appropriate: “I remember being sick to my stomach while waiting for my SAT to begin.”
- You may also use hypothetical examples, which can be useful when you need to provide an example that is extraordinary or goes beyond most people’s direct experience (Beare, 2020). Capitalize on this opportunity by incorporating vivid description into the example that appeals to the audience’s senses. Always make sure to indicate when you are using a hypothetical example, as it would be unethical to present an example as real when it is not. Including the word imagine or something similar in the first sentence of the example can easily do this.
- Explanations: Explanations clarify ideas by providing information about what something is, why something is the way it is, or how something works or came to be. One of the most common types of explanation is a definition. Definitions do not have to come from the dictionary. Many times, authors will define concepts as they use them in their writing, which is a good alternative to a dictionary definition.
- As you do your research, think about how much your audience likely knows about a given subject. You do not need to provide definitions when information is common knowledge. Anticipate audience confusion and define legal, medical, or other forms of jargon as well as slang and foreign words.
- Statistics: Statistics are numerical representations of information (Barnard, 2017). They are very credible in our society, as evidenced by their frequent use by news agencies, government offices, politicians, and academics. As a speaker, you can capitalize on the power of statistics if you use them appropriately. Unfortunately, speakers often intentionally or unintentionally misuse statistics and misconstrue the numbers to support their argument. They do so without examining the context from which the statistic emerged. All statistics are contextual, so plucking a number out of a news article or a research study and including it in your speech without taking the time to understand the statistic is unethical.
- Although statistics are popular as supporting evidence, they can also be boring. There will inevitably be people in your audience who are not good at processing numbers. Even people who are good with numbers have difficulty processing through a series of statistics presented orally. Remember that we have to adapt our information to listeners who do not have the luxury of pressing a pause or rewind button. For these reasons, it is a good idea to avoid using too many statistics and to use startling examples when you do use them (Barnard, 2017).
- Startling statistics should defy our expectations. When you give the audience a large number that they would expect to be smaller, or vice versa, you will be more likely to engage them, as the following example shows: “Did you know that 1.3 billion people in the world do not have access to electricity? That’s about 20 percent of the world’s population according to a 2009 study on the International Energy Agency’s official website.”
- Analogies: Analogies involve a comparison of ideas, items, or circumstances (Segar, 2016).
- When you compare two things that actually exist, you are using a literal analogy—for example, “Germany and Sweden are both European countries that have had nationalized health care for decades.”
- Another type of literal comparison is a historical analogy. In Mary Fisher’s now famous 1992 speech to the Republican National Convention, she compared the silence of many U.S. political leaders regarding the HIV/AIDS crisis to that of many European leaders in the years before the Holocaust.
- A figurative analogy compares things not normally related, often relying on metaphor, simile, or other figurative language devices. In the following example, wind and revolution are compared: “Just as the wind brings changes in the weather, so does revolution bring change to countries.”
- When you compare differences, you are highlighting contrast—for example, “Although the United States is often thought of as the most medically advanced country in the world, other Western countries with nationalized health care have lower infant mortality rates and higher life expectancies.” To use analogies effectively and ethically, you must choose ideas, items, or circumstances to compare that are similar enough to warrant the analogy.
- Testimonies: Testimonies are quoted information from people with direct knowledge about a subject or situation. Expert testimony is from people who are credentialed or recognized experts in a given subject (Davis, 2020). Lay testimony is often a recounting of a person’s experiences, which is more subjective. Both types of testimony are valuable as supporting material. We can see this in the testimonies of people in courtrooms and other types of hearings. Lawyers know that juries want to hear testimony from experts, eyewitnesses, and friends and family. Congressional hearings are similar.
- When using testimony, make sure you indicate whether it is expert or lay by sharing with the audience the context of the quote. Share the credentials of experts (education background, job title, years of experience, etc.) to add to your credibility or give some personal context for the lay testimony (eyewitness, personal knowledge, etc.).
10.3.4 Visual Aids
Visual aids help a speaker reinforce speech content visually, which helps amplify the speaker’s message (Beqiri, 2018). They can be used to present any of the types of supporting materials discussed previously. Speakers rely heavily on an audience’s ability to learn by listening, which may not always be successful if audience members are visual or experiential learners. Even if audience members are good listeners, information overload or external or internal noise can be barriers to a speaker achieving his or her speech goals. Therefore, skillfully incorporating visual aids into a speech has many potential benefits.
- Objects: Three-dimensional objects that represent an idea can be useful as a visual aid for a speech (Beqiri, 2018). They offer the audience a direct, concrete way to understand what you are saying. I often have my students do an introductory speech where they bring in three objects that represent their past, present, and future. Students have brought in a drawer from a chest that they were small enough to sleep in as a baby, a package of Ramen noodles to represent their life as a college student, and a stethoscope or other object to represent their career goals, among other things. Models also fall into this category, as they are scaled versions of objects that may be too big (the International Space Station) or too small (a molecule) to actually show to your audience.
- Chalkboards, Whiteboards, and Flip Charts:
Chalkboards, whiteboards, and flip charts can be useful for interactive speeches (Beqiri, 2018). If you are polling the audience or brainstorming, you can write down audience responses easily for everyone to see and for later reference. They can also be helpful for unexpected clarification. You can also have audience members write things on boards or flip charts themselves, which helps get them engaged and takes some of the pressure off you as a speaker.Figure 8.5: Whiteboards are a great way to interact with your audience. - Posters and Handouts: Posters generally include text and graphics and often summarize an entire presentation or select main points (Beqiri, 2018). We frequently use posters to present original research, as they can be broken down into the various steps to show how a process worked. Posters can be useful if you are going to have audience members circulating around the room before or after your presentation, so they can take the time to review the poster and ask questions. Posters are not often good visual aids during a speech, because it is difficult to make the text and graphics large enough for a room full of people to see adequately. The best posters are those created using computer software and professionally printed on large laminated paper.
- These professional posters come at a price. If you opt to make your own poster, take care to make it look professional. Use a computer and printer to print out your text; do not handwrite on a poster. Make sure anything you cut by hand has neat, uniform edges. You can then affix the text, photos, and any accent backing to the poster board. Double-sided tape works well for this, as it does not leave humps like those left by rolled tape or the bubbles, smearing, or sticky mess left by glue.
- Handouts can be a useful alternative to posters. Think of them as mini-posters that audience members can reference and take with them. Audience members will likely appreciate a neatly laid out, one-page handout that includes the speaker’s contact information. It can be appropriate to give handouts to an audience before a long presentation where note taking is expected, complicated information is presented, or the audience will be tested on or have to respond to the information presented. In most regular speeches less than fifteen minutes long, it would not be wise to distribute handouts ahead of time, as they will distract the audience from the speaker. It is better to distribute the handouts after your speech or at the end of the program, if others speaking after you.
- Pictures: Photographs, paintings, drawings, and sketches fall into the pictures category of visual aids. Pictures can be useful when you need to show an exact replication about which you are speaking. Pictures can also connect to your audience on a personal level, especially if they evoke audience emotions (Beqiri, 2018). Think about the use of pictures in television commercials asking for donations or sponsorships. Organizations like Save the Children and the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals successfully use pictures of malnourished children or abused animals to pull at the heartstrings of viewers. A series of well-chosen and themed pictures can have a meaningful impact on an audience.
- Diagrams and Drawings: Diagrams are good for showing the inner workings of an object or pointing out the most important or relevant parts of something (Neal, 2016). Think about diagrams as blueprints that show the inside of something—for example, key bones in the human body in a speech about common skateboarding injuries. Diagrams are good alternatives to pictures when you only need to point out certain things that may be difficult to see in a photograph.
- Charts and Tables:
Charts and tables are useful for compiling and cross-referencing larger amounts of information (Presentation Magazine, 2011). The combination of rows and columns allows you to create headers and then divide them up into units, categories, dates, and so on. Medical information is put into charts so that periods of recorded information, such as vital signs, can be updated and scanned by doctors and nurses. Charts and tables are also good for combining text and numbers, and they are easy to make with word processing software like Microsoft Word or spreadsheet software like Excel.Figure 8.6: Example of a sales spreadsheet. -
Figure 10.7: Example of a pie chart. - Think of presenting your department’s budget and spending at the end of a business quarter. You could have headers in the columns with the various categories and itemized deductions in the rows ending with a final total for each column.
- A pie chart is an alternative representation of textual and numerical data that offers audience members a visual representation of the relative proportions of a whole. In a pie chart, each piece of the pie corresponds to a percentage of the whole, and the size of the pie varies with the size of the percentage. As with other charts and tables, most office software programs can now make pie charts.
- Graphs:
Graphs are representations that point out numerical relationships or trends and include line graphs and bar graphs (Presentation Magazine, 2011). Line graphs are useful for showing trends over time. For example, you could track the rising cost of tuition for colleges and universities in a persuasive speech about the need for more merit-based financial aid.Figure 8.8: Examples of a line graph (top) and a bar graph (bottom). - Bar graphs are good for comparing amounts. In the same speech, you could compare the tuition of two-year institutions to that of four-year institutions. Graphs help make numerical data more digestible for your audience and allow you to convey an important numerical trend visually and quickly without having to go into lengthy explanations. Remember to label clearly your x-axis and y-axis and to explain the basics of your graph to your audience before you go into the specific data. If you use a graph created by someone else, make sure it is large and clear enough for the audience to read and that you cite the original source.
- Video: Video clips as visual aids can be powerful and engaging for an audience, but they can also be troublesome for speakers (Gallo, 2017). Whether embedded in a PowerPoint presentation, accessed through YouTube, or played from a laptop or DVD player, video clips are notorious for tripping up speakers. They require more than one piece of electronics when they are hooked to a projector and speaker. They may also require an Internet connection. The more electronic connection points, the more chances for something to go wrong. Therefore it is very important to test your technology before your speech, have a backup method of delivery if possible, and be prepared to go on without the video if all else fails.
- Although sometimes tempting, you should not let the video take over your speech (Gallo, 2017). Make sure your video is relevant and cued to where it needs to be. One useful strategy for incorporating video is to play a video without audio and speak along with the video, acting as a narrator. This allows the speaker to have more control over the visual aid and to adapt it and make it more relevant to a specific topic and audience. Additionally, video editing software like iMovie is readily available to college students and relatively easy to use. Some simple editing to cut together various clips that are meaningful or adding an introductory title or transitions can go a long way toward making your video look professional.
- Presentation Software: The prevalence of computers and projectors in most schools, offices, and other presentation facilities has made using computer-generated visual aids more convenient. PowerPoint is the most commonly used presentation software and has functionality ranging from the simplest text-based slide to complicated transitions, timing features, video/sound imbedding, and even functionality with audience response systems like Turning Point that allow data to be collected live from audience members and incorporated quickly into the slideshow. Despite the fact that most college students have viewed and created numerous PowerPoint presentations, we have all seen many poorly executed slideshows that detracted from the speaker’s message. PowerPoint should be viewed as a speech amplifier. Like an amplifier for a guitar, it does not do much without a musician there to play the instrument. The speaker is the musician, the speech is the instrument, and PowerPoint is the amplifier. Just as the amplifier does not dictate what the guitar player does, neither should PowerPoint take over the speaker (Rielly, 2020).
Presentations are generally longer than speeches, at least fifteen minutes long, and are content heavy. College lectures and many professional conference presentations fall into this category. In these cases, PowerPoint generally runs along with the speaker throughout the presentation, reviewing key points and presenting visual aids such as pictures and graphs. The constant running of the slideshow also facilitates audience note taking, which is also common during presentations.
Speeches, on the other hand, are usually fifteen minutes or less, have repetition and redundancy built in (as they are adapted to a listening audience), and carry less expectation that the audience will take detailed notes. In this case, PowerPoint should be used more as a visual aid, meaning that it should be simpler and amplify particular components of the speech rather than run along with the speaker throughout the speech (Rielly, 2020).
10.4 Organizing
When organizing your speech, you want to start with the body. Even though most students want to start with the introduction, it is difficult to introduce and preview something that you have not yet developed. A well-structured speech includes an introduction, a body, and a conclusion. Think of this structure as a human body. This type of comparison dates back to Plato, who noted, “every speech ought to be put together like a living creature” (Winans, 1917). The introduction is the head, the body is the torso and legs, and the conclusion is the feet. The information you add to this structure from your research and personal experience is the organs and muscle. The transitions you add are the connecting tissues that hold the parts together, and a well-practiced delivery is the skin and clothing that makes everything presentable.
10.4.1 Organizing the Body of Your Speech
Writing the body of your speech takes the most time in the speech-writing process. Your specific purpose and thesis statement should guide the initial development of the body, which will then be more informed by your research process (LibreTexts, 2021). You will determine main points that help achieve your purpose and match your thesis. You will then fill information into your main points by incorporating the various types of supporting material discussed previously. Before you move on to your introduction and conclusion, you will connect the main points together with transitions and other signposts.
10.4.2 Determining Your Main Points
Think of each main point as a miniature speech within your larger speech. Each main point will have a central idea, meet some part of your specific purpose, and include supporting material from your research that relates to your thesis. Reviewing the draft of your thesis and specific purpose statements can lead you to research materials.
As you review your research, take notes on and/or highlight key ideas that stick out to you as useful, effective, relevant, and interesting. It is likely that these key ideas will become the central ideas of your main points, or at least sub-points. Once you have researched your speech enough to achieve your specific purpose, support your thesis, and meet the research guidelines set forth by your instructor, boss, or project guidelines, you can distill the research down to a series of central ideas. As you draft these central ideas, use parallel wording, which is similar wording among key organizing signposts and main points that helps structure a speech. Using parallel wording in your central idea statement for each main point will also help you write parallel key signposts like the preview statement in the introduction, transitions between main points, and the review statement in the conclusion.
While writing each central idea using parallel wording is useful for organizing information at this stage in the speech-making process, you should feel free to vary the wording a little more in your actual speech delivery. You will still want some parallel key words woven throughout the speech, but sticking too close to parallel wording can make your content sound forced or artificial.
After distilling your research materials down, you may have several central idea statements. You will likely have two to five main points (depending on what your instructor prefers), time constraints, or the organizational pattern you choose. Not all of the central idea may be converted into main points; some may end up becoming sub-points and some may be discarded. Once you get your series of central ideas drafted, you will then want to consider how you might organize them, which will help you narrow your list down to what may actually end up becoming the body of your speech.
10.4.3 Organizing Your Main Points
There are several ways you can organize your main points. Some patterns correspond well to a particular subject area or speech type. Determining which pattern you will use helps filter through your list of central ideas generated from your research and allows you to move on to the next step of inserting supporting material into your speech. Here are some common organizational patterns.
- Topical Pattern: When you use the topical pattern, you are breaking a large idea or category into smaller ideas or subcategories (Davis, 2021). In short, you are finding logical divisions to a whole. While you may break something down into smaller topics that will make two, three, or more main points, people tend to like groups of three. In a speech about the Woodstock Music and Art Fair, for example, you could break the main points down to (1) the musicians who performed, (2) the musicians who declined to perform, and (3) the audience. You could also break it down into three specific performances—(1) Santana, (2) The Grateful Dead, and (3) Creedence Clearwater Revival—or three genres of music—(1) folk, (2) funk, and (3) rock. The topical pattern breaks a topic down into logical divisions but does not necessarily offer any guidance in ordering them. To help determine the order of topical main points, you may consider the primacy or recency effect (Morrison, Conway, & Chein, 2014). You prime an engine before you attempt to start it and prime a surface before you paint it. The primacy effect is similar in that you present your best information first in order to make a positive impression and engage your audience early in your speech. The recency effect is based on the idea that an audience will best remember the information they heard most recently. Therefore, you would include your best information last in your speech to leave a strong final impression. Both primacy and recency can be effective. Consider your topic and your audience to help determine which would work best for your speech.
Figure 10.9: Example of a chronological pattern of events.
- Chronological Pattern:A chronological pattern helps structure your speech based on time or sequence. If you order a speech based on time, you may trace the development of an idea, product, or event (LibreTexts, 2020). A speech on Woodstock could cover the following: (1) preparing for the event, (2) what happened during the event, and (3) the aftermath of the event. Ordering a speech based on sequence is also chronological and can be useful when providing directions on how to do something or how a process works. This could work well for a speech on baking bread at home, refinishing furniture, or harvesting corn. The chronological pattern is often a good choice for speeches related to history or demonstration speeches.
- Spatial Pattern:The spatial pattern arranges main points based on their layout or proximity to each other. A speech on Woodstock could focus on the layout of the venue, including (1) the camping area, (2) the stage area, and (3) the musician/crew area. A speech could also focus on the components of a typical theater stage or the layout of the new 9/11 memorial at the World Trade Center site.
- Problem–Solution Pattern:The problem-solution pattern entails presenting a problem and offering a solution (LibreTexts, 2020). This pattern can be useful for persuasive speaking—specifically, persuasive speeches focused on a current societal issue. This can also be coupled with a call to action, asking an audience to take specific steps to implement a solution you offered. This organizational pattern can be applied to a wide range of topics and can be organized easily into two or three main points. You can offer evidence to support your claim that a problem exists in one main point and then offer a specific solution in the second main point. To be more comprehensive, you could set up the problem, review multiple solutions that have been proposed, and then add a third main point that argues for a specific solution out of the ones reviewed in the second main point. Using this pattern, you could offer solutions to the problem of rising textbook costs or offer your audience guidance on how to solve conflicts with roommates or coworkers.
- Cause–Effect Pattern:The cause-effect pattern sets up a relationship between ideas that shows a progression from origin to result (LibreTexts, 2020). You could also start with the current situation and trace back to the root causes. You can use this pattern for informative or persuasive speeches. When used for informing, the speaker is explaining an established relationship and citing evidence to support the claim—for example, accessing unsecured, untrusted websites or e-mails leads to computer viruses. When used for persuading, the speaker is arguing for a link that is not as well established and/or is controversial—for example, violent video games lead to violent thoughts and actions. In a persuasive speech, a cause-effect argument is often paired with a proposed solution or call to action, such as advocating for stricter age restrictions on who can play violent video games. When organizing an informative speech using the cause-effect pattern, be careful not to advocate for a particular course of action.
10.4.4 Incorporating Supporting Material
So far, you have learned several key steps in the speech creation process. Now you will begin to incorporate more specific information from your supporting materials into the body of your speech. You can place the central ideas that fit your organizational pattern at the beginning of each main point and then plug supporting material in as sub-points.
This information will also make up the content of your formal and speaking outlines. Remember that you want to include a variety of supporting material (examples, analogies, statistics, explanations, etc.) within your speech. The information that you include as sub-points helps back up the central idea that started the main point. Depending on the length of your speech and the depth of your research, you may also have sub-sub-points that back up the claim you are making in the sub-point. Each piece of supporting material you include eventually links back to the specific purpose and thesis statement. This approach to supporting your speech is systematic and organized and helps ensure that your content fits together logically and that your main points are clearly supported and balanced.
One of the key elements of academic and professional public speaking is verbally citing your supporting materials so your audience can evaluate your credibility and the credibility of your sources (James Madison University Communication Center, 2010). You should include citation information in three places: verbally in your speech, on any paper or electronic information (outline, PowerPoint), and on a separate reference sheet. Since much of the supporting material you incorporate into your speech comes directly from your research, it is important that you include relevant citation information as you plug this information into your main points. Do not wait to include citation information once you have drafted the body of your speech. At that point, it may be difficult to retrace your steps to locate the source of a specific sentence or statistic. As you paraphrase or quote your supporting material, work the citation information into the sentences; do not clump the information together at the end of a sentence, or try to cite more than one source at the end of a paragraph or main point. It is important that the audience hear the citations as you use the respective information so it is clear which supporting material matches up with which source.
Writing key bibliographic information into your speech will help ensure that you remember to verbally cite your sources and that your citations will be more natural and flowing and less likely to result in fluency hiccups. At minimum, you should include the author, date, and source in a verbal citation (James Madison University Communication Center, 2010). Sometimes more information is necessary. When citing a magazine, newspaper, or journal article, it is more important to include the source name than the title of the article, since the source name—for example, Newsweek—is what the audience needs to evaluate the speaker’s credibility. For a book, make sure to cite the title and indicate that the source is a book. When verbally citing information retrieved from a website, you do not want to try to recite a long and cumbersome URL in your speech. Most people do not even make it past the “www.” before they mess up. It is more relevant to audiences for speakers to report the sponsor/author of the site and the title of the web page, or section of the website, where they obtained their information.
When getting information from a website, it is best to use “official” organization websites or government websites. When you get information from an official site, make sure you state that in your citation to add to your credibility. For an interview, state when it took place, the name of the interviewee, their credentials. Advice for verbally citing sources and examples from specific types of sources follow:
Signposts
Signposts on highways help drivers and passengers navigate places they are not familiar with and give us reminders and warnings about what to expect down the road (Amadeba, 2021). Signposts in speeches are statements that help audience members navigate the turns of your speech. There are several key signposts in your speech. In the order you will likely use them, they are preview statement, transition between introduction and body, transitions between main points, transition from body to conclusion, and review statement (see the table below for a review of the key signposts with examples). While the preview and review statements are in the introduction and conclusion, respectively, the other signposts are all transitions that help move between sections of your speech.
| Examples of Signposts |
| Today, I will discuss... |
| Let me start with... |
| Moving on to the next point... |
| Now that we've covered... |
| First, I will explain... |
| Next, we will explore... |
| To sum up... |
| In conclusion... |
There are also signposts that can be useful within sections of your speech. Words and phrases like Aside from and While are good ways to transition between thoughts within a main point or sub-point. Organizing signposts like First, Second, and Third can be used within a main point to help speaker and audience move through information (Amadeba, 2021). The preview in the introduction and review in the conclusion need not be the only such signposts in your speech. You can also include internal previews and internal reviews in your main points to help make the content more digestible or memorable.
In addition to well-written signposts, you want to have well-delivered signposts. Nonverbal signposts include pauses and changes in rate, pitch, or volume that help emphasize transitions within a speech. Here are some ways you can use nonverbal signposting: pause before and after your preview and review statements so they stand out, pause before and after your transitions between main points so they stand out, and slow your rate and lower your pitch on the closing line of your speech to provide closure.
10.4.5 Introduction
We all know that first impressions matter. Research shows that students’ impressions of instructors on the first day of class persist throughout the semester (Laws, Apperson, Buchert, & Bregman, 2010). First impressions are quickly formed, sometimes spontaneous, and involve little to no cognitive effort. Despite the fact that first impressions are not formed with much conscious effort, they form the basis of inferences and judgments about a person’s personality (Lass-Hennemann, Kuehl, Schulz, Oitzl, & Schachinger, 2011). For example, the student who approaches the front of the class before their speech wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt, looks around blankly, and lets out a sigh before starting has not made a very good first impression. Even if the student is prepared for the speech and delivers it well, the audience has likely already associated what they observed with personality traits of the student (i.e., lazy, indifferent), and those associations now have staying power in the face of contrary evidence that comes later.
Your introduction is only a fraction of your speech, but in that first minute or so, your audience decides whether they are interested in listening to the rest of the speech. You should accomplish four objectives in your introduction. They include 1) getting your audience’s attention, 2) introducing your topic, 3) establishing credibility and relevance, and 4) previewing your main points.
1) Getting Your Audience's Attention
Several strategies can get the attention of your audience. Although each can be effective on its own, combining these strategies is also an option. A speaker can get their audience’s attention negatively, so think carefully about your choice. The student who began his speech on Habitat for Humanity by banging on the table with a hammer definitely got his audience’s attention during his 8:00 a.m. class, but he also lost credibility in that moment because many in the audience probably saw him as a joker rather than a serious speaker. The student who started her persuasive speech against animal testing with a little tap dance number ended up stumbling through the first half of her speech when she was thrown off by the confused looks the audience gave her when she finished her “attention getter.” These cautionary tales point out the importance of choosing an attention getter that is appropriate, meaning that it’s unusual enough to get people interested—but not over the top—and relevant to your speech topic.
Use Humor
In one of my favorite episodes of the television show The Office, titled “Dwight’s Speech,” the boss, Michael Scott, takes the stage at a regional sales meeting for a very nervous Dwight, who has been called up to accept an award. In typical Michael Scott style, he attempts to win the crowd over with humor and fails miserably.
In general, when a speech is supposed to be professional or formal, as many in-class speeches are, humor is more likely to be seen as incongruous with the occasion. However, there are other situations where a humorous opening might fit perfectly (Ginger Leadership Communications, 2019). For example, a farewell speech to a longtime colleague could start with an inside joke. When considering humor, it is good to get feedback on your idea from a trusted source.
Cite a Startling Fact or Statistic
As you research your topic, take note of any information that defies your expectations or surprises you. If you have a strong reaction to something you learn, your audience may, too. When using a startling fact or statistic as an attention getter, it is important to get the most bang for your buck. You can do this by sharing more than one fact or statistic that builds up the audience’s interest (Ginger Leadership Communications, 2019).
When using numbers, it is also good to repeat and/or repackage the statistics so they stick in the audience’s mind, which you can see in the following example: “In 1994, sixteen states reported that 15–19 percent of their population was considered obese. Every other state reported obesity rates less than that. In 2010, no states reported obesity rates in that same category of 15–19 percent, because every single state had at least a 20 percent obesity rate. In just six years, we went from no states with an obesity rate higher than 19 percent, to fifty. Currently, the national obesity rate for adults is nearly 34 percent. This dramatic rise in obesity is charted on the Center for Disease Control and Prevention’s website, and these rates are expected to continue to rise.”
The speaker could have just started by stating that nearly 34 percent of the US adult population was obese in 2011. However, statistics are not meaningful without context. So sharing how that number rose dramatically over six years helps the audience members see the trend and understand what the current number means. The fourth sentence repackages and summarizes the statistics mentioned in the first three sentences, which again sets up an interesting and informative contrast. Last, the speaker provides a verbal citation for the source of the statistic.
Use a Quotation
Some quotations are attention getting and some are boring. Some quotations are relevant and moving and some are abstract and stale. If you choose to open your speech with a quotation, choose one that is attention getting, relevant, and moving.
Just because a quote seems relevant to you does not mean the audience will also notice that relevance, so it is best to make that explicit right after you use and cite the quote. Also, evaluate the credibility of the source on which you found the quote. Many websites that make quotations available care more about selling pop-up ads than the accuracy of their information. Students who do not double-check the accuracy of the quote may end up attributing the quote to the wrong person or citing a made-up quote.
Ask a Question
Starting a speech with a question is a common attention getter, but in reality many of the questions that I have heard start a speech are not very attention getting. It is important to note that just because you use one of these strategies that does not make it automatically appealing to an audience. A question can be mundane and boring just like a statistic, quotation, or story can (Ginger Leadership Communications, 2019).
A rhetorical question is different from a direct question. When a speaker asks a direct question, they actually want a response from their audience. A rhetorical question will elicit a mental response from the audience, not a verbal or nonverbal one. In short, a rhetorical question makes an audience think. Asking a direct question of your audience is warranted only if the speaker plans to do something with the information they get from the audience.
A safer bet is to ask a rhetorical question that elicits only a mental response. A good rhetorical question can get the audience primed to think about the content of the speech. When asked as a series of questions (and combined with startling statistics or facts), this strategy can create suspense and hook an audience.
Tell a Story
When you tell a story, whether in the introduction to your speech or not, you should aim to paint word pictures in the minds of your audience members (Ginger Leadership Communications, 2019). You might tell a story from your own life or recount a story you found in your research. You may also use a hypothetical story, which has the advantage of allowing you to use your creativity and help place your audience in unusual situations that neither you nor they have actually experienced. When using a hypothetical story, you should let your audience know it is not real, and you should present a story to which the audience can relate. Speakers often let the audience know a story is not real by starting with the word imagine.
2) Introducing the Topic
Introducing the topic of your speech is the most obvious objective of an introduction, but speakers sometimes forget to do this or do not do it clearly. As the author of your speech, you may think that what you are talking about is obvious. Sometimes a speech topic does not become obvious until the middle of a speech. By that time, however, it is easy to lose an audience that was not clearly told the topic of the speech in the introduction. Introducing the topic is done before the preview of main points and serves as an introduction to the overall topic. The following are two ways a speaker could introduce the topic of childhood obesity: “Childhood obesity is a serious problem facing our country,” or “Today I’ll persuade you that childhood obesity is a problem that can no longer be ignored.”
3) Establishing Credibility and Relevance
The way you write and deliver your introduction makes an important first impression on your audience. However, you can also take a moment in your introduction to set up your credibility in relation to your speech topic. If you have training, expertise, or credentials (e.g., a degree, certificate, etc.) relevant to your topic, you can share that with your audience. It may also be appropriate to mention firsthand experience, previous classes you have taken, or even a personal interest related to your topic. For example, a student delivers a speech persuading the audience that the penalties for texting and driving should be stricter. In his introduction, he mentioned that his brother’s girlfriend was killed when a car driven by someone who was texting hit her. His personal story shared in the introduction added credibility to the overall speech.
4) Previewing Your Main Points
The preview of main points is usually the last sentence of your introduction and serves as a map of what is to come in the speech (Davis, 2021). The preview narrows your introduction of the topic down to the main ideas you will focus on in the speech. Your preview should be one sentence, should include wording that is parallel to the key wording of your main points in the body of your speech, and should preview your main points in the same order you discuss them in your speech. Make sure your wording is concise so your audience does not think there will be four points when there are only three. The following example previews the main points for a speech on childhood obesity: “Today I’ll convey the seriousness of the obesity epidemic among children by reviewing some of the causes of obesity, common health problems associated with it, and steps we can take to help ensure our children maintain a healthy weight.”
10.4.6 Conclusion
How you conclude a speech leaves an impression on your audience (Barnard, 2017). There are three important objectives to accomplish in your conclusion. They include summarizing the importance of your topic, reviewing your main points, and closing your speech.
Summarizing the Importance of Your Topic
After you transition from the body of your speech to the conclusion, you will summarize the importance of your topic (Abhishek, 2020). This is the “take-away” message, or another place where you can answer the “so what?” question. This can often be a rewording of your thesis statement. You could summarize the speech about childhood obesity by saying, “Whether you have children or not, childhood obesity is a national problem that needs to be addressed.”
Reviewing Your Main Points
Once you have summarized the overall importance of your speech, you review the main points (Abhishek, 2020). The review statement in the conclusion is very similar to the preview statement in your introduction. You do not have to use the exact same wording, but you still want to have recognizable parallelism that connects the key idea of each main point to the preview, review, and transitions. The review statement for the childhood obesity speech could be “In an effort to convince you of this, I cited statistics showing the rise of obesity, explained common health problems associated with obesity, and proposed steps that parents should take to ensure their children maintain a healthy weight.”
Closing Your Speech
Like the attention getter, your closing statement is an opportunity for you to exercise your creativity as a speaker (Abhishek, 2020). Many students have difficulty wrapping up the speech with a sense of closure and completeness. In terms of closure, a well-written and well-delivered closing line signals to your audience that your speech is over, which cues their applause. You should not have to put an artificial end to your speech by saying “thank you”, that is it, or that is all I have In terms of completeness, the closing line should relate to the overall speech and should provide some “take-away” message that may leave an audience thinking or propel them to action. A sample closing line could be “For your health, for our children’s health, and for our country’s health, we must take steps to address childhood obesity today.” You can also create what I call the “ribbon and bow” for your speech by referring back to the introduction in the closing of your speech. For example, you may finish an illustration or answer a rhetorical question you started in the introduction.
Although the conclusion is likely the shortest part of the speech, students should practice it often. Even a well-written conclusion can be ineffective if the delivery is not good. Conclusions often turn out bad because they are not practiced enough. If you only practice your speech starting from the beginning, you may not get to your conclusion very often because you stop to fix something in one of the main points, get interrupted, or run out of time. Once you have started your speech, anxiety may increase as you near the end and your brain becomes filled with thoughts of returning to your seat, so even a well-practiced conclusion can fall short. Practicing your conclusion by itself several times can help prevent this.
10.5 Outlining
Think of your outline as a living document that grows and takes form throughout your speech-making process. When you first draft your general purpose, specific purpose, and thesis statement, you could create a new document on your computer and plug those in, essentially starting your outline. As you review your research and distill the information down into separate central ideas that support your specific purpose and thesis, type those statements into the document. After choosing your organizational pattern and are ready to incorporate supporting material, you can quote and paraphrase your supporting material along with the bibliographic information needed for your verbal citations into the document. By this point, you have a good working outline, and you can easily cut and paste information to move it around and see how it fits into the main points, sub-points, and sub-sub-points (James Madison University Communication Center, n. d.). As your outline continues to take shape, you will want to follow established principles of outlining to ensure a quality speech.
10.5.1 Principles of Outlining
There are principles of outlining you can follow to make your outlining process more efficient and effective. Four principles of outlining are consistency, unity, coherence, and emphasis (DuBois, 1929).
- In terms of consistency, you should follow standard outlining format. In standard outlining format, you indicate main points by capital roman numerals, sub-points by capital letters, and sub-sub-points by Arabic numerals. You indicate further divisions by either lowercase letters or lowercase roman numerals.
- The principle of unity means that each letter or number represents one idea. One concrete way to help reduce the amount of ideas you include per item is to limit each letter or number to one complete sentence. If you find that one sub-point has more than one idea, you can divide it into two sub-points. Limiting each component of your outline to one idea makes it easier to plug in supporting material and helps ensure that your speech is coherent.
- Following the principle of unity should help your outline adhere to the principle of coherence, which states that there should be a logical and natural flow of ideas, with main points, sub-points, and sub-sub-points connecting to each other (Winans, 1917). Shorter phrases and keywords can make up the speaking outline, but you should write complete sentences throughout your formal outline to ensure coherence. The principle of coherence can also be met by making sure that when dividing a main point or sub-point, you include at least two subdivisions. After all, it defies logic that you could divide anything into just one part. Therefore, if you have an A, you must have a B, and if you have a 1, you must have a 2. If you can easily think of one sub-point but are having difficulty identifying another one, that sub-point may not be robust enough to stand on its own.
- The principle of emphasis states that the material included in your outline should be engaging and balanced. As you place supporting material into your outline, choose the information that will have the most impact on your audience. Choose information that is proxemic and relevant, meaning that it can be easily related to the audience’s lives because it matches their interests or ties into current events or the local area.
Remember primacy and recency discussed earlier and place the most engaging information first or last in a main point depending on what kind of effect you want to have (Morrison, Conway, & Chein, 2014). Also, make sure your information is balanced. The outline serves as a useful visual representation of the proportions of your speech. You can tell by the amount of space a main point, sub-point, or sub-sub-point takes up in relation to other points of the same level whether your speech is balanced. If one sub-point is a half a page, but a main point is only a quarter of a page, then you may want to consider making the sub-point a main point. Each part of your speech does not have to be equal. The first or last point may be more substantial than a middle point if you are following primacy or recency, but overall the speech should be relatively balanced.
10.5.2 The Formal Outline
The formal outline is a full-sentence outline that helps you prepare for your speech. It includes the introduction and conclusion, the main content of the body, key supporting materials, citation information written into the sentences in the outline, and a references page for your speech (Dlugan, 2008). The formal outline also includes a title, the general purpose, specific purpose, and thesis statement. It is important to note that an outline is different from a script. While a script contains everything that will be said, an outline includes the main content. Therefore, you should not include every word you are going to say on your outline. This allows you more freedom as a speaker to adapt to your audience during your speech. Students sometimes complain about having to outline speeches or papers, but it is a skill that will help in other contexts. Being able to break a topic down into logical divisions and then connect the information together will help ensure that you can prepare for complicated tasks or that you are prepared for meetings or interviews.
10.5.3 The Speaking Outline
The formal outline is a full-sentence outline that helps as you prepare for your speech, and the speaking outline is a keyword and phrase outline that helps you deliver your speech. While the formal outline is important to ensure that your content is coherent and your ideas are balanced and expressed clearly, the speaking outline helps you get that information out to the audience. Make sure you budget time in your speech preparation to work on the speaking outline. Skimping on the speaking outline will show in your delivery.
You may convert your formal outline into a speaking outline using a computer program. You may also choose, or be asked to, create a speaking outline on note cards. Note cards are a good option when you want to have more freedom to gesture or know you will not have a lectern on which to place notes printed on full sheets of paper. In either case, this entails converting the full-sentence outline to a keyword or key-phrase outline. Speakers will need to find a balance between having too much or too little content on their speaking outlines. You want to have enough information to prevent fluency hiccups as you stop to retrieve information, but you do not want to have so much information that you read your speech, which lessens your eye contact and engagement with the audience.
Budgeting sufficient time to work on your speaking outline will allow you to practice your speech with different amounts of notes to find what works best for you. Since the introduction and conclusion are so important, it may be useful to include notes to ensure that you remember to accomplish all the objectives of each.
Aside from including important content on your speaking outline, you may want to include speaking cues. Speaking cues are reminders designed to help your delivery. You may write “(PAUSE)” before and after your preview statement to help you remember that important nonverbal signpost. You might also write “(MAKE EYE CONTACT)” as a reminder not to read unnecessarily from your cards. Overall, my advice is to make your speaking outline work for you. It is your last line of defense when you are in front of an audience, so you want it to help you, not hurt you.
Conclusion
Public speaking is more than standing in front of a crowd—it's a vital skill that empowers you to inform, persuade, inspire, and connect with others. Whether you're speaking in a classroom, a boardroom, or a community event, effective public speaking requires more than just confidence—it demands thoughtful preparation.
References
Abhishek, K. G. (2020, November 16). How to end a speech: The best tips and examples. https://www.orai.com/blog/how-to-end-a-speech-the-best-tips-and-examples/
Amadeba, E. (2021, September 4). What is signposting in speech? https://www.acethepresentation.com/signposts-in-speech/
Aristotle (2007). On rhetoric: A theory of civic discourse (G. A. Kennedy, Trans.) (2nd ed.). Oxford University Press. (Original work published ca. 367-322 BCE)
Barnard, D. (2017, November 6). Different ways to end a presentation or speech. https://virtualspeech.com/blog/different-ways-to-end-presentation-speech
Beare, K. (2020, January 21). How to discuss hypothetical situations in English. https://www.thoughtco.com/how-to-discuss-hypothetical-situations-in-english-4177287
Beqiri, G. (2018, June 21). Using visual aids during a presentation or training session. https://virtualspeech.com/blog/visual-aids-presentation
Brigham Young University Library. (2021, July 15). Step-by-step guide & research rescue: Evaluating credibility. https://guides.lib.byu.edu/c.php?g=216340&p=1428399
Davis, B. (2021, April 30). What are the five organizational patterns? https://www.mvorganizing.org/what-are-the-five-organizational-patterns/
Davis, B. (2021, May 8). What is a preview statement example? https://www.mvorganizing.org/what-is-a-preview-statement-example/
Davis, B. (2020, August 16). What is the main value of using expert testimony in a speech? https://www.mvorganizing.org/what-is-the-main-value-of-using-expert-testimony-in-a-speech/#What_is_the_main_value_of_using_expert_testimony_in_a_speech
Dlugan, A. (2008, February 29). Speech preparation #3: Don’t skip the speech outline. http://sixminutes.dlugan.com/speech-preparation-3-outline-examples/
Dlugan, A. (2012, November 15). Audience analysis: A guide for speakers. http://sixminutes.dlugan.com/audience-analysis/
DuBois, W. C. (1929). Essentials of public speaking. Prentice Hall.
Gallo, C. (2017, January 31). Four easy tips on using video to make your presentation stand out. https://www.forbes.com/sites/carminegallo/2017/01/31/four-easy-tips-on-using-video-to-make-your-presentation-stand-out/?sh=74ce88146e3a
Ginger Leadership Communications. (2019, December 13). How to start a speech with power and confidence. https://www.gingerleadershipcomms.com/article/how-to-start-a-speech-with-power-and-confidence
Goodwin, J. (2017, December 11). Writing a thesis statement for a speech. https://magoosh.com/pro-writing/writing-thesis-statement-for-a-speech/
James Madison University Libraries. (2019, September 16). Primary, secondary, and tertiary sources: Definitions. https://guides.lib.jmu.edu/sources
James Madison University Libraries. (2021). Quick overview of JMU Libraries services & resources for fall 2021. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_nHy3rstl0
James Madison University Communication Center. (2021). Developing a presentation. https://www.jmu.edu/commcenter/presentation-support/developing.shtml
James Madison University Communication Center (n. d.). Creating an outline. https://www.jmu.edu/commcenter/_files/Outline-Tip-Poster.pdf
James Madison University Communication Center. (2010). Oral source citations. https://www.jmu.edu/commcenter/_files/Oral%20Citation%20Guide.pdf
James Madison University Writing Center. (2021). Choosing a topic. https://www.jmu.edu/uwc/link-library/writing-process/choosing-topic.shtml
Lass-Hennemann, J., Kuehl L. K., Schulz, A., Oitzl, M. S., & Schachinger, H. (2011). Stress strengthens memory of first impressions of others' positive personality traits. PLoS ONE, 6(1), e16389. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0016389
Laws, E. L., Apperson, J. M., Buchert, S., & Bregman, N. J. (2010). Student evaluations of instruction: When are enduring first impressions formed? North American Journal of Psychology, 12(1), 81–92.
LibreTexts. (2020, August 12). Patterns of organization and methods of development. https://human.libretexts.org/Bookshelves/Composition/Introductory_Composition/Book%3A_The_Word_on_College_Reading_and_Writing_(Babin_et_al.)/Part_2/08%3A_Drafting/8.07%3A_Patterns_of_Organization_and_Methods_of_Development
LibreTexts. (2021, February 20). Formulating a specific purpose statement. https://socialsci.libretexts.org/Bookshelves/Communication/Public_Speaking/Exploring_Public_Speaking_(Barton_and_Tucker)/04%3A_Selecting_Your_Approach_and_Main_Points/4.02%3A_Formulating_a_Specific_Purpose_Statement
Matook, M. E. (2020). The impactful research appointment: Combating research anxiety and library stereotypes. The Reference Librarian, 61(3-4), 185-198. https://doi.org/10.1080/02763877.2020.1837710
Morrison A., Conway, A., & Chein, J. (2014). Primacy and recency effects as indices of the focus of attention. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 8(Article 6), 1-14. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2014.00006
National WW II Museum. (n.d.). Guidelines for using primary sources in your classroom. https://www.nationalww2museum.org/sites/default/files/2017-07/using-primary-sources.pdf
Presentation Magazine. (2011, April 11). Top tips for using graphs and charts in your presentations. https://www.presentationmagazine.com/top-tips-for-using-graphs-and-charts-in-your-presentations-6686.htm
Rielly, T. (2020, May 12). The #1 rule for improving your presentation slides. https://masterclass.ted.com/blog/visual-presentations-series-less-is-more
Segar, G. (2016, September 12). Three types of relevant analogies to use in speeches. https://potentspeaking.com/relevant-analogies/
West, R. L., & Turner, L. H. (2024). Introducing Communication Theory. McGraw Hill.
Winans, J. A. (1917). Public speaking. Century.
Figures
Figure 10.1: Mandatory work meetings are an example of captive audiences. Rodeo Project Management Software. 2020. Unsplash license. https://unsplash.com/photos/ONe-snuCaqQ
Figure 10.2: Layers that make up our perception and knowledge. Kindred Grey. 2022. CC BY 4.0.
Figure 10.3: Brainstorming and narrowing a topic. Kindred Grey. 2022. CC BY 4.0.
Figure 10.4: If you get stuck in your research, ask a reference librarian! Tima Miroshnichenko. 2021. Pexels license. https://www.pexels.com/photo/an-elderly-woman-talking-to-a-student-9572566/
Figure 10.5: Whiteboards are a great way to interact with your audience. Bonneval Sebastien. 2019. Unsplash license. https://unsplash.com/photos/UIpFY1Umamw
Figure 10.6: Example of a sales spreadsheet. Kindred Grey. 2022. CC BY 4.0.
Figure 10.7: Example of a pie chart. Kindred Grey. 2022. CC BY 4.0.
Figure 10.8: Examples of a line graph (top) and a bar graph (bottom). Kindred Grey. 2022. CC BY 4.0.
Figure 10.9: Example of a chronological pattern of events. Kindred Grey. 2022. CC BY 4.0.
The physical reactions to stimuli in the outside environment.
Introduction
Over the course of our lives, we enter into—and move on from—a variety of relationships. For many people, close relationships are a key ingredient for a fulfilling life. Research from the Pew Research Center (Goddard, 2023; Goddard & Parker, 2025) highlights several insights into how Americans experience and communicate within these relationships:
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Most Americans report having between one and four close friends, while 38% say they have five or more.
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In these friendships, people commonly talk about topics like work, family, current events, physical and mental health, pop culture, and sports.
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We depend on close relationships—such as those with romantic partners, family members, or friends—for social support.
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At the same time, younger adults in the U.S. are increasingly reporting feelings of loneliness.
Given how essential communication is to creating and sustaining meaningful relationships, this chapter explores how we use communication to build, maintain, and sometimes even let go of our interpersonal connections.
7.1 The Nature of Relationships
We’ve all experienced a wide range of relationships throughout our lives. But what makes something a relationship? How often do we need to see each other? Do we both have to agree that we’re in a relationship? Is following someone on social media enough to qualify?
To better understand the relationships in our lives, we’ll start by exploring key characteristics that define relationships—and the different types and purposes they serve.
7.1.1 Defining Relationships
A relationship is a "connection established when one person communicates with another" (Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond, 2019). These connections can be built in a variety of contexts—family, work, school, shared hobbies, or common experiences. And they serve different purposes: task-oriented, work-related, or social and emotional.
Relationships can also be understood through the lens of choice. Communication scholars often differentiate between relationships of choice and relationships of circumstance (Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond, 2019):
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Relationships of circumstance are formed due to factors beyond our control—such as our family members, classmates, coworkers, or in-laws. We didn’t choose these individuals, but circumstances brought us together.
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Relationships of choice, on the other hand, are relationships we actively seek and maintain, like close friendships, romantic partnerships, or mentors.
This distinction is important because our level of investment, expectations, and communication patterns often differ depending on whether the relationship was chosen or circumstantial.
Consider how you might interact with a sibling versus a best friend, or with a coworker versus a partner. The reasons we enter and sustain these relationships—and how we communicate within them—can vary significantly based on their origin.
Table 1. Examples of Relationships of Choice & Circumstance
| Choice | Circumstance |
| Partners
Spouses Best friends Friends Acquaintances Activity partners |
Parent-child
Siblings Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins Distant relatives Coworkers/colleagues Neighbors Classmates Teachers |
7.1.2 Purposes of Relationships
We typically form and maintain relationships for one or more of the following purposes:
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Work-related relationships help us achieve professional or career goals. These connections often arise in the workplace and may involve collaboration, mentorship, or networking.
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Task-related relationships exist to accomplish a specific goal. Once the task is complete—such as a school project or athletic season—the relationship may dissolve or evolve into something else.
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Social relationships provide emotional benefits such as affection, inclusion, and support. These relationships are often built on personal choice and include friends, romantic partners, and sometimes family members.
It’s important to note that relationships can serve multiple purposes. For example, a classmate might start as a task-related partner on a project but later become a close friend. A romantic partner may provide both emotional support and collaboration on life goals.
Where does family fit in?
Family relationships are typically considered relationships of circumstance, but in terms of purpose, they often serve social and emotional functions, like offering affection, a sense of belonging, and life support. At times, family relationships can also be task-oriented, especially when caregiving or shared responsibilities are involved.
Consider your own relationships. Which ones provide emotional support? Which ones help you meet goals or complete tasks? Do some do both? The purpose of a relationship can evolve over time, and understanding the roles they play helps us communicate more effectively within them.
7.1.2 Relationship Characteristics
However, all relationships are not the same. The following relationship characteristics help define and differentiate our relationships with others. These characteristics are: duration, contact frequency, sharing, support, interaction variability, and goals (Gamble & Gamble, 2014).
Some friendships last a lifetime, others last a short period. The length of any relationship is referred to as that relationship’s duration. People who grew up in small towns might have had the same classmate till graduation. This is due to the fact that duration with each person is different. Some people we meet in college and we will never see them again. Hence, our duration with that person is short. Duration is related to the length of your relationship with that person.
Second, contact frequency is how often you communicate with their other person. There are people in our lives we have known for years but only talk to infrequently. The more we communicate with others, the closer our bond becomes to the other person. Sometimes people think duration is the real test of a relationship, but it also depends on how often you communicate with the other person.
The third relationship characteristic is sharing. The more we spend time with other people and interact with them, the more we are likely to share information about ourselves. This type of sharing often involves private, intimate details about our thoughts and feelings. We typically don’t share this information with a stranger. Once we develop a sense of trust and support with this person, we can begin to share more details.
The fourth characteristic is support. Think of the people in your life and who you would be able to call in case of an emergency. The ones that come to mind are the ones you know who would be supportive of you. They would support you if you needed help, money, time, or advice. For instance, if you need relationship advice, you would probably pick someone who has relationship knowledge and would support you in your decision. Support is so important. It was found that a major difference between married and dating couples is that married couples were more likely to provide supportive communication behaviors to their partners more than dating couples (Punyanunt-Carter, 2004).
The fifth defining characteristic of relationships is the interaction variability. When we have a relationship with another person, it is not defined on your interaction with them, rather on the different types of conversations you can have with that person. When you were little, you probably knew that if you were to approach your mom, she might respond a certain way as opposed to your Dad, who might respond differently. Hence, you knew that your interaction would vary. The same thing happens with your classmates because you don’t just talk about class with them. You might talk about other events on campus or social events. Therefore, our interactions with others are defined by the greater variability that we have with one person as opposed to another.
The last relationship characteristic is goals. In every relationship we enter into, we have certain expectations about that relationship. For instance, if your goal is to get closer to another person through communication, you might share your thoughts and feelings and expect the other person to do the same. If they do not, then you will probably feel like the goals in your relationship were not met because they didn’t share information. The same goes for other types of relationships. We typically expect that our significant other will be truthful, supportive, and faithful. If they break that goal, then it causes problems in the relationship and could end the relationship. Hence, in all our relationships, we have goals and expectations about how the relationship will function and operate.
7.2 Relationship Formation
Understanding why we form relationships is only part of the picture. To build meaningful connections, we also need to understand how relationships begin in the first place. Whether it's a friendship, romantic partnership, or professional connection, certain factors influence who we’re drawn to and why we choose to engage. In this section, we’ll explore the process of relational formation through the lens of interpersonal attraction theory (Duck, 1993; Graziano & Bruce, 2008)—which examines how factors such as proximity, similarity, physical attractiveness, and reciprocal liking may lead to new connections.
7.2.1 Understanding Attraction
Before we build relationships, something must first draw us toward another person. This initial pull is known as interpersonal attraction, the force that brings people together and motivates us to pursue a connection (Duck, 1993). Whether you're meeting someone in class, online, or through mutual friends, attraction plays a key role in whether we choose to engage further. But attraction isn’t a one-size-fits-all concept—it can take on different forms depending on the context and the individuals involved.
Researchers have identified three primary types of attraction: physical, social, and task. Physical attraction refers to the degree to which you find another person aesthetically pleasing. What is deemed aesthetically pleasing can alter greatly from one culture to the next. We also know that pop culture can greatly define what is considered to be physically appealing from one era to the next. For example, in the U.S. in the 1950s, curvy women like Marilyn Monroe and Elizabeth Taylor depicted an industry standard of "beauty" , whereas in the 1990s, supermodels who were thin and tall dominated the screens. Although discussions of male physical attraction occur less often, they are equally impacted by pop culture. In the 1950s, you had solid men like Robert Mitchum and Marlon Brando as compared to the heavily muscled men of the 2010s like Joe Manganiello or Zac Efron.
The second type of attraction is social attraction, or the degree to which an individual sees another person as entertaining, intriguing, and fun to be around. We all have finite sources when it comes to the amount of time we have in a given day. We prefer to socialize with people that we think are fun. These people may entertain us or they may just fascinate us. No matter the reason, we find some people more socially desirable than others. Social attraction can also be a factor of power. For example, in situations where there are kids in the “in-group” and those that are not. In this case, those that are considered popular hold more power and are perceived as being more socially desirable to associate with. This relationship becomes problematic when these individuals decide to use this social desirability as a tool or weapon against others.
The final type of attraction is task attraction, or people we are attracted to because they possess specific knowledge and/or skills that help us accomplish specific goals. The first part of this definition requires that the target of task attraction possess specific knowledge and/or skills. Maybe you have a friend who is good with computers who will always fix your computer when something goes wrong. Maybe you have a friend who is good in math and can tutor you. Of course, the purpose of these relationships is to help you accomplish your own goals. In the first case, you have the goal of not having a broken down computer. In the second case, you have the goal of passing math. This is not to say that an individual may only be viewed as task attractive, but many relationships we form are because of task attraction in our lives.
7.2.2 Reasons for Attraction
Now that we’ve looked at the basics of what attraction is. Let’s switch gears and talk about why we are attracted to each other. There are several reasons researchers have found for our attraction to others including proximity, physicality, perceived gain, similarities and differences, and disclosure.
Physical Proximity
When you ask some people how they met their significant other, you will often hear proximity is a factor in how they met. Perhaps, they were taking the same class or their families went to the same grocery store. These commonplaces create opportunities for others to meet and mingle. We are more likely to talk to people that we see frequently.
Physical Attractiveness
In day-to-day interactions, you are more likely to pay attention to someone you find more attractive than others. Research shows that males place more emphasis on physical attractiveness than females (Samovar, & Porter, 1995). Appearance is very important at the beginning of the relationship.
Perceived Gain
When we feel drawn to someone—whether as a friend, romantic partner, or collaborator—one key reason is often the rewards we associate with that person. In the context of interpersonal attraction theory, rewards refer to the positive outcomes or benefits we expect to gain from being around someone.
- Rewards are the things we want to acquire. They could be tangible (e.g., food, money, clothes) or intangible (support, admiration, status).
- Costs are undesirable things that we don’t want to expend a lot of energy to do. For instance, we don’t want to have to constantly nag the other person to call us or spend a lot of time arguing about past items.
According to Social Exchange Theory (see sidebar), we tend to be attracted to people who offer us high rewards with relatively low costs (Thibaut & Kelley, 1959). For instance, you might feel drawn to someone because they make you laugh (social reward), boost your confidence (emotional reward), or help you with class assignments (task reward). When we perceive that being in a relationship with someone is likely to be rewarding, that perception increases our attraction to them.
This doesn't mean attraction is purely transactional—but it does suggest that our minds often evaluate relationships in terms of what we gain or stand to lose, even if we're not consciously doing the math.
When seeking new relationships, we tend to look for others that can help us or benefit us in some way. This type of relationship might appear to be like an economic model and can be explained by exchange theory (Stafford, 2008). In other words, we will form relationships with people who can offer us rewards that outweigh the costs.
Similarities and Differences
It feels comforting when someone who appears to like the same things you like also has other similarities to you. Thus, you don’t have to explain yourself or give reasons for doing things a certain way. People with similar cultural, ethnic, or religious backgrounds are typically drawn to each other for this reason. It is also known as similarity thesis. The similarity thesis basically states that we are attracted to and tend to form relationships with others who are similar to us (Adler, Rosenfeld, & Proctor II, 2013). There are three reasons why similarity thesis works: validation, predictability, and affiliation.
- First, it is validating to know that someone likes the same things that we do. It confirms and endorses what we believe. In turn, it increases support and affection.
- Second, when we are similar to another person, we can make predictions about what they will like and not like. We can make better estimations and expectations about what the person will do and how they will behave.
- The third reason is due to the fact that we like others that are similar to us and thus they should like us because we are the same. Hence, it creates affiliation or connection with that other person.
However, there are some people who are attracted to someone completely opposite from who they are. This is where differences come into play. Differences can make a relationship stronger, especially when you have a relationship that is complementary. In complementary relationships, each person in the relationship can help satisfy the other person’s needs. For instance, one person likes to talk, and the other person likes to listen. They get along great because they can be comfortable in their communication behaviors and roles. In addition, they don’t have to argue over who will need to talk. Another example might be that one person likes to cook, and the other person likes to eat. This is a great relationship because both people are getting what they like to do, and it complements each other’s talents. Usually, friction will occur when there are differences of opinion or control issues. For example, if you have someone who loves to spend money and the other person who loves to save money, it might be very hard to decide how to handle financial issues.
Disclosure
Sometimes we form relationships with others after we have disclosed something about ourselves to others. Disclosure, or sharing about yourself, increases liking because it creates support and trust between you and this other person. We typically don’t disclose our most intimate thoughts to a stranger. We do this behavior with people we are close to because it creates a bond with the other person.
Disclosure is not the only factor that can lead to forming relationships. Disclosure needs to be appropriate and reciprocal (Dindia, 2000). In other words, if you provide information, it must be mutual. If you reveal too much or too little, it might be regarded as inappropriate and can create tension. Also, if you disclose information too soon or too quickly in the relationship, it can create some negative outcomes.
7.3 Stages of Relationships
Every relationship goes through various stages. Mark Knapp first introduced The Stage Model of Relationship Development after identifying patterns on the ways many relationships of choice progress (1984; Knapp & Vangelisti, 1992). The following model describes these five stages of coming together, and five stages of coming apart. As you read about the stages, remember that all relationships do not go through ALL stages. You may have only experienced a few relationships that have progressed into a bonding stage. Relationships can also go backwards and forwards through this model. It is normal to experience some de-escalation in a friendship that grows apart, but this can be followed with an escalation period as you and your friend become close again.
7.3.1 Coming Together
Do you remember when you first met that special someone in your life? How did your relationship start? How did you two become closer? Every relationship has to start somewhere. It begins and grows. In this section, we will learn about the coming together stages, which include: initiating, experimenting, intensifying, integrating, and then bonding.
Initiating
At the beginning of every relationship, we have to figure out if we want to put in the energy and effort to talk to the other person. If we are interested in pursuing the relationship, we have to let the other person know that we are interested in initiating a conversation.
There are different types of initiation. Sustaining is trying to continue the conversation. Networking is where you contact others for a relationship. An offering is where you present your interest in some manner. Approaching is where you directly make contact with the other person. We can begin a relationship in a variety of different ways.
Communication at this initiating stage is very brief. We might say hello and introduce yourself to the other person. You might smile or wink to let the other person know you are interested in making conversation with him or her. The conversation is very superficial and not very personal at all. At this stage, we are primarily interested in making contact.
Experimenting
After we have initiated communication with the other person, we go to the next stage, which is experimenting. At this stage, you are trying to figure out if you want to continue the relationship further. We are trying to learn more about the other person.
At this stage, interactions are very casual. You are looking for common ground or similarities that you share. You might talk about your favorite things, such as colors, sports, teachers, etc. Just like the name of the stage, we are experimenting and trying to figure out if we should move towards the next stage or not.
Intensifying
After we talk with the other person and decide that this is someone we want to have a relationship with, we enter the intensifying stage. We share more intimate and/or personal information about ourselves with that person. Conversations become more serious, and our interactions are more meaningful. At this stage, you might stop saying “I” and say “we.” So, in the past, you might have said to your partner, “I am having a night out with my friends.” It changes to “we are going to with my friends tonight.” We are becoming more serious about the relationship.
Integrating
The integrating stage is where two people truly become a couple. Before they might have been dating or enjoying each other’s company, but in this stage, they are letting people know that they are exclusively dating each other. The expectations in the relationship are higher than they were before. Your knowledge of your partner has increased. The amount of time that you spend with each other is greater.
Bonding
The next stage is the bonding stage, where you reveal to the world that your relationship to each other now exists. This only occurs with a few relationships. For example, the bonding stage could be when two partners get engaged and have an engagement announcement. For those that are very committed to the relationship, they might decide to have a wedding and get married. In every case, they are making their relationship a public announcement. They want others to know that their relationship is real.
Not every relationship will go through each of the ten stages. Several relationships do not go past the experimenting stage. Some remain happy at the intensifying or bonding stage. When both people agree that their relationship is satisfying and each person has their needs met, then stabilization occurs. Some relationships go out of order as well. For instance, in some arranged marriages, the bonding occurs first, and then the couple goes through various phases. Some people jump from one stage into another. When partners disagree about what is optimal stabilization, then disagreements and tensions will occur.
In today’s world, romantic relationships can take on a variety of different meanings and expectations. For instance, “hooking up” or having “friends with benefits” are terms that people might use to describe the status of their relationship. Many people might engage in a variety of relationships but not necessarily get married. We know that relationships vary from couple to couple. No matter what the relationship type, couples decided to come together or come apart.
7.3.2 Coming Apart
Some couples can stay in committed and wonderful relationships. However, there are some couples that after bonding, things seem to fall apart. No matter how hard they try to stay together, there is tension and disagreement. These couples go through a coming apart process that involves: differentiating, circumscribing, stagnating, avoiding, and terminating.
Differentiating
The differentiating stage is where both people are trying to figure out their own identities. Thus, instead of trying to say “we,” the partners will question “how am I different?” In this stage, differences are emphasized and similarities are overlooked.
As the partners differentiate themselves from each other, they tend to engage in more disagreements. The couples will tend to change their pronoun use from “our kitchen” becomes “my kitchen” or “our child” becomes “my child,” depending on what they want to emphasize.
Initially, in the relationship, we tend to focus on what we have in common with each other. After we have bonded, we are trying to deal with balancing our independence from the other person. If this cannot be resolved, then tensions will emerge, and it usually signals that your relationship is coming apart.
Circumscribing
The circumscribing stage is where the partners tend to limit their interactions with each other. Communication will lessen in quality and quantity. Partners try to figure out what they can and can’t talk about with each other so that they will not argue.
Partners might not spend as much time with each other at this stage. There are fewer physical displays of affection, as well. Intimacy decreases between the partners. The partners no longer desire to be with each other and only communicate when they have to.
Stagnating
The next stage is stagnating, which means the relationship is not improving or growing. The relationship is motionless or stagnating. Partners do not try to communicate with each other. When communication does occur, it is usually restrained and often awkward. The partners live with each other physically but not emotionally. They tend to distance themselves from the other person. Their enthusiasm for the relationship is gone. What used to be fun and exciting for the couple is now a chore.
Avoiding
The avoiding stage is where both people avoid each other altogether. They would rather stay away from each other than communicate. At this stage, the partners do not want to see each other or speak to each other. Sometimes, the partners will think that they don’t want to be in the relationship any longer.
Terminating
The terminating stage is where the parties decide to end or terminate the relationship. It is never easy to end a relationship. A variety of factors can determine whether to cease or continue the relationship. Time is a factor. Couples have to decide to end it gradually or quickly. Couples also have to determine what happens after the termination of the relationship. Besides, partners have to choose how they want to end the relationship. For instance, some people end the relationship via electronic means (e.g., text message, email, social media posting) or via face-to-face.
7.4 Relationship Maintenance
You may have heard that relationships are hard work. Relationships need maintenance and care. Just like your body needs food and your car needs gasoline to run, your relationships need attention as well. When people are in a relationship with each other, what makes a difference to keep people together is how they feel when they are with each other. Maintenance can make a relationship more satisfying and successful.
Daniel Canary and Laura Stafford stated that “most people desire long-term, stable, and satisfying relationships” (1994). To keep a satisfying relationship, individuals must utilize relationship maintenance behaviors. They believed that if individuals do not maintain their relationships, the relationships will weaken and/or end. “It is naïve to assume that relationships simply stay together until they fall apart or that they happen to stay together" (Canary & Stafford, 1994).
Relationship maintenance is the stabilization point between relationship initiation and potential relationship destruction (Duck, 1988). There are two elements to relationship maintenance. First, strategic plans are intentional behaviors and actions used to maintain the relationship. Second, everyday interactions help to sustain the relationship. Most importantly, talk is the most important element in relationship maintenance (Duck, 1994).
Laura Stafford and Daniel Canary (1991) found five key relationship maintenance behaviors.
- First, positivity is a relational maintenance factor used by communicating with their partners in a happy and supportive manner.
- Second, openness occurs when partners focus their communication on the relationship.
- Third, assurances are words that emphasize the partners’ commitment to the duration of the relationship.
- Fourth, networking is communicating with family and friends.
- Lastly, sharing tasks is doing work or household tasks.
- Later, Canary and his colleagues found two more relationship maintenance behaviors: conflict management and advice (Canary & Zelley, 2000).
Additionally, Canary and Stafford also posited four propositions that serve as a conceptual framework for relationship maintenance research (Canary & Stafford, 1994).The first proposition is that relationships will worsen if they are not maintained. The second proposition is that both partners must feel that there are equal benefits and sacrifices in the relationship for it to sustain. The third proposition states that maintenance behaviors depend on the type of relationship. The fourth proposition is that relationship maintenance behaviors can be used alone or as a mixture to affect perceptions of the relationship. Overall, these propositions illustrate the importance and effect that relationship maintenance behaviors can have on relationships.
7.5 Tensions in Relationships
Relationship Dialectics
We know that all relationships go through change. The changes in a relationship are usually dependent on communication. When a relationship starts, there is lots of positive and ample communication between the parties. However, there are times that couples go through a redundant problem, and it is important to learn how to deal with this problem. Partners can’t always know what their significant other desires or needs from them.
Dialectics had been a concept known well too many scholars for many years. They are simply the pushes and pulls that can be found every day in relationships of all types. This perspective examines how we must manage these push-pull tensions that arise, because they cannot be fully resolved. The management of the tensions is usually based on past experiences; what worked for a person in the past will be what they decide to use in the future. These tensions are both contradictory and interdependent because without one, the other is not understood. Dialectical tension is how individuals deal with struggles in their relationship. There are opposing forces or struggles that couples have to deal with (Baxter, 2004; Baxter & Montgomery, 1996).
The overarching premise to dialectical tensions is that all personal ties and relationships are always in a state of constant flux and contradiction. Relational dialectics highlight a “dynamic knot of contradictions in personal relationships; an unceasing interplay between contrary or opposing tendencies" (Griffin, 2009).The concept of contradiction is crucial to understanding relational dialectics. The contradiction is when there are opposing sides to a situation. These contradictions tend to arise when both parties are considered interdependent. Dialectical tension is natural and inevitable. All relationships are complex because human beings are complex, and this fact is reflected in our communicative processes. Baxter and Montgomery argue that tension arises because we are drawn to the antitheses of opposing sides. These contradictions must be met with a “both/and” approach as opposed to the “either/or” mindset. However, the “both/and” approach lends to tension and pressure, which almost always guarantees that relationships are not easy. Below are some different relational dialectics (Baxter, & Montgomery, 1996):
1) Autonomy-Connection
This is where partners seek involvement but not willing to sacrifice their entire identity. For instance, in a marriage, some women struggle with taking their partner’s last name, keeping their maiden name, or combine the two. Often when partners were single, they might have engaged in a girl’s night out or a guy’s night out. When in a committed relationship, one partner might feel left out and want to be more involved. Thus, struggles and conflict occur until the couple can figure out a way to deal with this issue.
2) Predictability–Novelty
This deals with rituals/routines compared to novelty. For instance, for some mothers, it is tough to accept that their child is an adult. They want their child to grow up at the same time it is difficult to recognize how their child has grown up.
3) Transparency-Privacy
Disclosure is necessary, but there is a need for privacy. For some couples, diaries work to keep things private. Yet, there are times when their partner needs to know what can’t be expressed directly through words.
4) Similarity-Difference
This tension deals with self vs. others. Some couples are very similar in their thinking and beliefs. This is good because it makes communication easier and conflict resolution smoother. Yet, if partners are too similar, then they cannot grow. Differences can help couples mature and create stimulation.
5) Ideal-Real
Couples will perceive some things as good and some things as bad. Their perceptions of what is real may interfere or inhibit perceptions of what is real. For instance, a couple may think that their relationship is perfect. But from an outsider, they might think that the relationship is abusive and devastating.
Another example might be that a young dating couple thinks that they do not have to marry each other because it is the ideal and accepted view of taking the relationship to the next phase. Thus, the couples move in together and raise a family without being married. They have deviated from what is an ideal normative cultural script (Baxter, 2006).
6) Judgement-Acceptance
In our friendships, we often feel the simultaneous need to be accepting of our friends for who they are, but also be honest and open with them. In this example, Phoebe wants to help Joey, but she also thinks he is being unreasonable.
Every relationship is fraught with these dialectical tensions. There’s no way around them. However, there are different ways of managing dialectical tensions:
- Denial is where we respond to one end. For example, in a romantic relationship, one partner wants closeness (connection) while the other desires more independence (autonomy). The couple might deny the tension by only focusing on closeness, spending all their time together, and ignoring the need for independence, which might lead to issues later.
- Disorientation is where we feel overwhelmed. We fight, freeze, or leave. For example, a young couple experiencing their first serious conflict may feel overwhelmed by the tension between wanting to stay close (connection) and needing space (autonomy). They might freeze and avoid each other, or have explosive arguments without resolution.
- Alternation is where we choose one end on different occasions. For example, in a friendship, two people balance the need for openness and privacy. They might choose to be very open and share everything during some conversations, but at other times, they respect each other's need for privacy, alternating between these two extremes depending on the context.
- Recalibration is reframing the situation or perspective. For example, a couple experiencing tension between predictability and novelty reframes their perspective by recognizing that their routine doesn’t have to be boring. Instead, they see stability as a foundation that allows them to introduce new experiences, such as traveling together, without destabilizing their relationship.
- Segmentation is where we compartmentalize different areas. This may sound very similar to alternation, above. For example, in a friendship balancing the need for openness and privacy, the friends may be very open about their romantic relationships, telling each other all of the details of their romantic encounters. But if the subject moves to family relationships, the friends may decide to stay closed off in this area.
- Balance is where we manage and compromise our needs. For example, when a person realizes that their partner cannot be "perfect", and changes their standards to a more realistic level.
- Integration is blending different perspectives. For example, in a long-distance relationship, the couple integrates the desire for both autonomy and connection by scheduling regular virtual dates but also encouraging each other to pursue individual hobbies and social lives outside of the relationship.
- Reaffirmation is having the knowledge & accepting our differences. For example, partners in a marriage might accept that they will always have different approaches to handling money—one being a saver and the other a spender. They reaffirm their differences by discussing them openly, acknowledging that the tension is a natural and ongoing part of their relationship, and working through it without trying to change each other.
These strategies will come up again as we discuss conflict in chapter 8. Not every couple deals with dialectical tensions in the same way. Some will use a certain strategy during specific situations, and others will use the same strategy every time there is tension.
In this chapter, we’ve explored the range of issues related to building and maintaining relationships. We started by discussing the nature of relationships, which included a discussion of the characteristics of relationships and the importance of significant relationships. We then discussed the formation and dissolution of relationships. Then explored the importance of communication in relationships. Lastly, we looked at dating relationships and ended by discussing gender and relationships. Hopefully, you can see that building and maintain relationships takes a lot of work.
References
Adler, R., Rosenfeld, L. B., & Proctor II, R. F. (2013). Interplay: The process of interpersonal communication. Oxford.
Ayers, J. (1983). Strategies to maintain relationships: Their identification and perceived usages. Communication Quarterly, 31(1), 62-67. https://doi.org/10.1080/01463378309369487
Baxter, L. A. (2006). Relationship dialectics theory: Multivocal dialogues of family communication. In D. O. Braithwaite & L. A. Baxter (Eds.). Engaging in family communication. (pp. 130-145). Sage.
Beebe, S. A., Beebe, S. J., & Redmond, M. V. (2019). Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others. Pearson.
Figures
Figure 7.1. Rinalidi, E. (2017). Zac Efron at the Baywatch Red Carpet Premier Sydney Australia. https://www.flickr.com/photos/evarinaldiphotography/34732955995/in/album-72157680824643334/, CC BY 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=68196882
Figure 7.2. Krukau, Y. (2021). Women singing together. Pexels license. Retrieved from https://www.pexels.com/photo/women-singing-together-9008830/
Figure 7.3. Jopwell. (2019). Woman in a blue suit jacket. Pexels license. Retrieved from https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-in-blue-suit-jacket-2422293/
Figure 7.4. Knapp and Vangelisti Model of Relationships. Interpersonal Communication Copyright © by Jason S. Wrench; Narissra M. Punyanunt-Carter; and Katherine S. Thweatt.
Figure 7.5 Relationship Maintenance Behaviors. Interpersonal Communication Copyright © by Jason S. Wrench; Narissra M. Punyanunt-Carter; and Katherine S. Thweatt.
Introduction
The relationship between language and meaning is not a straightforward one. One reason for this complicated relationship is the limitlessness of modern language systems like English (Crystal, 2005). Language is productive in the sense that there are an infinite number of utterances we can make by connecting existing words in new ways. In addition, there is no limit to a language’s vocabulary, as new words are coined daily. Of course, words aren’t the only things we need to communicate, and although verbal and nonverbal communication are closely related in terms of how we make meaning, nonverbal communication is not productive and limitless. Although we can only make a few hundred physical signs, we have about a million words in the English language. So with all this possibility, how does communication generate meaning?
We arrive at meaning through the interaction between our nervous and sensory systems and some stimulus outside of them. It is here, between what the communication models labeled as encoding and decoding, that meaning is generated as sensory information is interpreted. The indirect and sometimes complicated relationship between language and meaning can lead to confusion, frustration, or even humor. We may even experience a little of all three, when we stop to think about how there are some twenty-five definitions available to tell us the meaning of word meaning! (Crystal, 2005) Since language and symbols are the primary vehicle for our communication, it is important that we not take the components of our verbal communication for granted.
4.1 Language is Symbolic
Our language system is primarily made up of symbols. A symbol is something that stands in for or represents something else. Symbols can be communicated verbally (speaking the word hello), in writing (putting the letters H-E-L-L-O together), or nonverbally (waving your hand back and forth). In any case, the symbols we use stand in for something else, like a physical object or an idea, they do not actually correspond to the thing being referenced in any direct way.
The symbols we use combine to form language systems or codes. Codes are culturally agreed on and ever-changing systems of symbols that help us organize, understand, and generate meaning (Leeds-Hurwitz, 1993). There are about 6,000 language codes used in the world, and around 40 percent of those (2,400) are only spoken and do not have a written version (Crystal, 2005).
The symbolic nature of our communication is a quality unique to humans. Since the words we use do not have to correspond directly to a “thing” in our “reality,” we can communicate in abstractions. This property of language is called displacement. It refers to our ability to talk about events that are removed in space or time from a speaker and situation (Crystal, 2005).
For example, the word calculate comes from the Latin word calculus, which means “pebble.” However, what does a pebble have to do with calculations? Pebbles were used, very long ago, to calculate things before we developed verbal or written numbering systems (Hayakawa & Hayakawa, 1990). As I noted earlier, a farmer may have kept, in a box, one pebble for each of his chickens. Each pebble represented one chicken, meaning that each symbol (the pebble) had a direct correlation to another thing out in the world (its chicken). This system allowed the farmer to keep track of his livestock. He could periodically verify that each pebble had a corresponding chicken. If there was a discrepancy, he would know that a chicken was lost, stolen, or killed.
Later, symbols were developed that made accounting a little easier. Instead of keeping track of boxes of pebbles, the farmer could record a symbol like the word five or the numeral 15 that could stand in for five or fifteen pebbles. This demonstrates how our symbols have evolved and how some still carry that ancient history with them, even though we are unaware of it. While this evolution made communication easier in some ways, it also opened up room for misunderstanding, since the relationship between symbols and the objects or ideas they represented became less straightforward. Although the root of calculate means “pebble,” the word calculate today has at least six common definitions.
The Triangle of Meaning
The triangle of meaning is a model of communication that indicates the relationship among a thought, symbol, and referent and highlights the indirect relationship between the symbol and referent (Ogden & Richards, 1923). As you can see in figure 3.1 “Triangle of meaning," the thought is the concept (or idea) a person references. The symbol is the word that represents the thought, and the referent is the object or idea to which the symbol refers.
This model is useful for us as communicators because when we are aware of the indirect relationship between symbols and referents, we are aware of how common misunderstandings occur, as the following example illustrates. Jasper and Abby have been thinking about getting a new dog. So each of them is having a similar thought. They are each using the same symbol, the word dog, to communicate about their thought. Their referents, however, are different. Jasper is thinking about a small dog like a dachshund, and Abby is thinking about an Australian shepherd. Since the word dog does not refer to one specific object in our reality, it is possible for them to have the same thought and use the same symbol only to find out the other person did not have the same thing in mind.
Being aware of this indirect relationship between symbol and referent, we can try to compensate for it by getting clarification. Abby might ask Jasper, “What kind of dog do you have in mind?” This question would allow Jasper to describe his referent, which would allow for more shared understanding. If Jasper responds, “Well, I like short-haired dogs. And we need a dog that will work well in an apartment,” then there is still quite a range of referents. Abby could ask questions for clarification, like “Sounds like you’re saying that a smaller dog might be better. Is that right?” Getting to a place of shared understanding can be difficult, even when we define our symbols and describe our referents.
Definitions
Definitions help us narrow the meaning of particular symbols, which also narrows a symbol’s possible referents. They also provide more words (symbols) for which we must determine a referent.
Words have denotative and connotative meanings. Denotation refers to definitions that are accepted by the language group as a whole, or the dictionary definition of a word. For example, the denotation of the word cowboy is a man who takes care of cattle. Another denotation is a reckless and/or independent person. A more abstract word, like change, would be more difficult to understand due to the multiple denotations.
Connotation refers to definitions that are based on emotion- or experience-based associations people have with a word. To go back to our previous words, change can have positive or negative connotations depending on a person’s experiences. A person who just ended a long-term relationship may think of change as good or bad depending on what he or she thought about his or her former partner. Even words like handkerchief that only have one denotation can have multiple connotations. A handkerchief can conjure up thoughts of dainty Southern belles or disgusting snot-rags.
A word like cowboy has many connotations, and philosophers of language have explored how connotations extend beyond one or two experiential or emotional meanings of a word to constitute cultural myths (Barthes, 1972). Cowboy, for example, connects to the frontier and the western history of the United States, which has mythologies associated with it that help shape the narrative of the nation. While people who grew up with cattle or have family that ranch, or members of indigenous tribes who's land was taken by settlers may have a very specific connotation of the word cowboy based on personal experience, other people’s connotations may be more influenced by popular cultural symbolism like that seen in westerns.
Language is Learned
As we just learned, the relationship between the symbols that make up our language and their referents is arbitrary, which means they have no meaning until we assign it to them. In order to use a language effectively system, we have to learn, over time, which symbols go with which referents, since we cannot just tell by looking at the symbol. Like me, you probably learned what the word apple meant by looking at the letters A-P-P-L-E and a picture of an apple and having a teacher or caregiver help you sound out the letters until you said the whole word. Over time, we associated that combination of letters with the picture of the red delicious apple and no longer had to sound each letter out. This is a deliberate process that may seem slow in the moment, but as we will see next, our ability to acquire language is actually quite astounding. We did not just learn individual words and their meanings, though; we also learned rules of grammar that help us put those words into meaningful sentences.
The Rules of Language
Any language system has to have rules to make it learnable and usable. Grammar refers to the rules that govern how words are used to make phrases and sentences. Someone would likely know what you mean by the question “Where’s the remote control?” But “The control remote where’s?” is likely to be unintelligible or at least confusing (Crystal, 2005). Knowing the rules of grammar is important in order to be able to write and speak to be understood, but knowing these rules is not enough to make you an effective communicator. As we will learn later, creativity and play also have a role in effective verbal communication. Even though teachers have long enforced the idea that there are right and wrong ways to write and say words, there really is not anything inherently right or wrong about the individual choices we make in our language use. Rather, it is our collective agreement that gives power to the rules that govern language.
Looking back to our discussion of connotation, we can see how individuals play a role in how meaning and language are related, since we each bring our own emotional and experiential associations with a word that are often more meaningful than a dictionary definition. In addition, we have quite a bit of room for creativity, play, and resistance with the symbols we use. Have you ever had a secret code with a friend that only you knew? This can allow you to use a code word in a public place to get meaning across to the other person who is “in the know” without anyone else understanding the message. The fact that you can take a word, give it another meaning, have someone else agree on that meaning, and then use the word in your own fashion clearly shows that meaning is in people rather than words. As we will learn later, many slang words developed because people wanted a covert way to talk about certain topics like drugs or sex without outsiders catching on.
4. 2 Functions of Language
What utterances make up our daily verbal communication? Some of our words convey meaning, some convey emotions, and some actually produce actions. Language also provides endless opportunities for fun because of its limitless, sometimes nonsensical, and always changing nature. In this section, we will learn about the five functions of language, which show us that language is expressive, language is powerful, language is fun, language is dynamic, and language is relational.
4. 2.1 Language is Expressive
Verbal communication helps us meet various needs through our ability to express ourselves. In terms of instrumental needs, we use verbal communication to ask questions that provide us with specific information. We also use verbal communication to describe things, people, and ideas. Verbal communication helps us inform, persuade, and entertain others, which as we will learn later are the three general purposes of public speaking. It is also through our verbal expressions that our personal relationships are formed. At its essence, language is expressive. Verbal expressions help us communicate our observations, thoughts, feelings, and needs (McKay, Davis, & Fanning, 1995).
Expressing Observations
When we express observations, we report on the sensory information we are taking or have taken in. Eyewitness testimony is a good example of communicating observations. Witnesses are not supposed to make judgments or offer conclusions; they only communicate factual knowledge as they experienced it. For example, a witness could say, “I saw a white Mitsubishi Eclipse leaving my neighbor’s house at 10:30 pm.” Observation and description occur in the first step of the perception-checking process. When you are trying to make sense of an experience, expressing observations in a descriptive rather than evaluative way can lessen defensiveness, which facilitates competent communication.
Expressing Thoughts
When we express thoughts, we draw conclusions based on what we have experienced. In the perception process, this is similar to the interpretation step. We take various observations and evaluate and interpret them to assign them meaning (a conclusion). Whereas our observations are based on sensory information (what we saw, what we read, what we heard), thoughts are connected to our beliefs (what we think is true/false), attitudes (what we like and dislike), and values (what we think is right/wrong or good/bad). Jury members are expected to express thoughts based on reported observations to help reach a conclusion about someone’s guilt or innocence. A juror might express the following thought: “The neighbor who saw the car leaving the night of the crime seemed credible. And the defendant seemed to have a shady past—I think he’s trying to hide something.” Sometimes people intentionally or unintentionally express thoughts as if they were feelings. For example, when people say, “I feel like you’re too strict with your attendance policy,” they are not really expressing a feeling; they are expressing a judgment about the other person (a thought).
Expressing Feelings
When we express feelings, we communicate our emotions. Expressing feelings
is a difficult part of verbal communication, because there are many social norms about how, why, when, where, and to whom we express our emotions.
Norms for emotional expression also vary based on culture, demographics and lived experiences. In terms of age, young children are typically freer to express positive and negative emotions in public. Gendered elements intersect with age as boys grow older and are socialized into a norm of emotional restraint. Although individual men vary in the degree to which they are emotionally expressive, a prevailing social norm encourages and expects women to be more emotionally expressive than men.
Expressing feelings can be uncomfortable for those listening. Some people are generally not good at or comfortable with receiving and processing other people’s feelings. Even those with good empathetic listening skills can be positively or negatively affected by others’ emotions. Expressions of anger can be especially difficult to manage because they represent a threat to the face and self-esteem of others.
Despite the fact that expressing feelings is more complicated than other forms of expression, emotion sharing is an important part of how we create social bonds and empathize with others, and it can be improved.
In order to express our emotions, it is important that we develop an emotional vocabulary. The more specific we can be when we are verbally communicating our emotions, the less ambiguous our emotions will be for the person decoding our message. As we expand our emotional vocabulary, we are able to convey the intensity of the emotion we are feeling whether it is mild, moderate, or intense. For example, happy is mild, delighted is moderate, and ecstatic is intense; ignored is mild, rejected is moderate, and abandoned is intense (Hargie, 2011).
In a time when so much of our communication is electronically mediated, it is likely that we will communicate emotions through the written word in an e-mail, text, or instant message. We may also still use pen and paper when sending someone a thank-you note, a birthday card, or a sympathy card. Communicating emotions through the written (or typed) word can have advantages such as time to compose your thoughts and convey the details of what you are feeling. There are also disadvantages in that important context and nonverbal communication cannot be included. Things like facial expressions and tone of voice offer much insight into emotions that may not be expressed verbally. There is also a lack of immediate feedback. Sometimes people respond immediately to a text or e-mail, but think about how frustrating it is when you text someone and they do not get back to you right away. If you are in need of emotional support or want validation of an emotional message you just sent, waiting for a response could end up negatively affecting your emotional state.
Expressing Needs
When we express needs, we are communicating in an instrumental way to help us get things done. Since we usually know our needs more than others do, it is important for us to be able to convey those needs to others. Expressing needs can help us get a project done at work or help us navigate the changes of a long-term romantic partnership. Not expressing needs can lead to feelings of abandonment, frustration, or resentment. For example, if one romantic partner expresses the following thought “I think we’re moving too quickly in our relationship” but does not also express a need, the other person in the relationship does not have a guide for what to do in response to the expressed thought. Stating, “I need to spend some time with my hometown friends this weekend. Would you mind if I went home by myself?” would likely make the expression more effective. Be cautious of letting evaluations or judgments sneak into your expressions of need. Saying, “I need you to stop suffocating me!” really expresses a thought-feeling mixture more than a need.
4.2.2 Language Is Powerful
The contemporary American philosopher David Abram wrote, “Only if words are felt, bodily presences, like echoes or waterfalls, can we understand the power of spoken language to influence, alter, and transform the perceptual world” (Abram, 1997). This statement encapsulates many of the powerful features of language. Next, we will discuss how language expresses our identities, affects our credibility, serves as a means of control, and performs actions.
Language Expresses our Identities
The power of language to express our identities varies depending on the origin of the label (self-chosen or other imposed) and the context. People are usually comfortable with the language they use to describe their own identities but may have issues with the labels others place on them. In terms of context, many people express their “Irish” identity on St. Patrick’s Day, but they may not think much about it over the rest of the year. There are many examples of people who have taken a label that was imposed on them, one that usually has negative connotations, and intentionally used it in ways that counter previous meanings. Some country music singers and comedians have reclaimed the label redneck, using it as an identity marker they are proud of rather than a pejorative term. Other examples of people reclaiming identity labels is the “black is beautiful” movement of the 1960s that repositioned black as a positive identity marker for African Americans and the “queer” movement of the 1980s and ’90s that reclaimed queer as a positive identity marker for some gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people. Even though some people embrace reclaimed words, they still carry their negative connotations and are not openly accepted by everyone.
Language Affects our Credibility
One of the goals of this chapter is to help you be more competent with your verbal communication. People make assumptions about your credibility based on how you speak and what you say. Even though we have learned that meaning is in people rather than words and that the rules that govern verbal communication, like rules of grammar, are arbitrary, these norms still mean something. You do not have to be a perfect grammarian to be perceived as credible. In fact, if you followed the grammar rules for written communication to the letter you would actually sound strange, since our typical way of speaking is not as formal and structured as writing. However, you still have to support your ideas and explain the conclusions you make to be seen as competent. You have to use language clearly and be accountable for what you say in order to be seen as trustworthy. Using informal language and breaking social norms we have discussed so far would not enhance your credibility during a professional job interview, but it might with your friends at a tailgate party. Politicians know that the way they speak affects their credibility, but they also know that using words that are too scientific or academic can lead people to perceive them as eggheads, which would hurt their credibility. Politicians and many others in leadership positions need to be able to use language to put people at ease, relate to others, and still appear confident and competent.
Language is a Means of Control
Control is a word that has negative connotations, but our use of it here can be positive, neutral, or negative. Verbal communication can be used to reward and punish. We can offer verbal communication in the form of positive reinforcement to praise someone. We can withhold verbal communication or use it in a critical, aggressive, or hurtful way as a form of negative reinforcement.
Directives are utterances that try to get another person to do something. They can range from a rather polite ask or request to a more forceful command or insist. Context informs when and how we express directives and how people respond to them. Promises are often paired with directives in order to persuade people to comply, and those promises, whether implied or stated, should be kept in order to be an ethical communicator. Keep this in mind to avoid arousing false expectations on the part of the other person (Hayakawa & Hayakawa, 1990).
Rather than verbal communication being directed at one person as a means of control, the way we talk creates overall climates of communication that may control many. Verbal communication characterized by empathy, understanding, respect, and honesty creates open climates that lead to more collaboration and more information exchange. Verbal communication that is controlling, deceitful, and vague creates a closed climate in which people are less willing to communicate and less trusting (Brown, 2006).
4.2.3 Language is Dynamic
As we already learned, language is essentially limitless. We may create a one-of-a-kind sentence combining words in new ways and never know it. Aside from the endless structural possibilities, words change meaning, and new words are created daily. In this section, we will learn more about the dynamic nature of language by focusing on neologisms and slang.
Neologisms
Neologisms are newly coined or used words. Newly coined words are those that were just brought into linguistic existence. Newly used words make their way into languages in several ways, including borrowing and changing structure. Taking is actually a more fitting descriptor than borrowing, since we take words but do not really give them back. In any case, borrowing is the primary means through which languages expand. English is a good case in point. Most of its vocabulary is borrowed and does not reflect the language’s Germanic origins. English has been called the “vacuum cleaner of languages” (Crystal, 2005). Weekend is a popular English word based on the number of languages that have borrowed it. We have borrowed many words, like chic from French, karaoke from Japanese, and caravan from Arabic.
Existing words also change in their use and meaning. The digital age has given rise to some interesting changes in word usage. Before Facebook, the word friend had many meanings, but it was mostly used as a noun referring to a companion. The sentence, I’ll friend you, would not have made sense to many people just a few years ago because friend was not used as a verb. Google went from being a proper noun referring to the company to a more general verb that refers to searching for something on the Internet (perhaps not even using the Google search engine). Meanings can expand or contract without changing from a noun to a verb. Gay, an adjective for feeling happy, expanded to include gay as an adjective describing a person’s sexual orientation. Perhaps because of the confusion that this caused, the meaning of gay has contracted again, as the earlier meaning is now considered archaic, meaning it is no longer in common usage.
Slang
Slang is a great example of the dynamic nature of language. Slang refers to new or adapted words that are specific to a group, context, and/or time period; regarded as less formal; and representative of people’s creative play with language. Research has shown that only about 10 percent of the slang terms that emerge over a fifteen-year period survive. Many more take their place though, as new slang words are created using inversion, reduction, or old-fashioned creativity (Allan & Burridge, 2006).
Inversion is a form of word play that produces slang words like sick, wicked, and bad that refer to the opposite of their typical meaning. Reduction creates slang words such as pic, sec, and later from picture, second, and see you later. New slang words often represent what is edgy, current, or simply relevant to the daily lives of a group of people. Many creative examples of slang refer to illegal or socially taboo topics like sex, drinking, and drugs. It makes sense that developing an alternative way to identify drugs or talk about taboo topics could make life easier for the people who partake in such activities. Slang allows people who are in “in the know” to break the code and presents a linguistic barrier for unwanted outsiders. Taking a moment to think about the amount of slang that refers to being intoxicated on drugs or alcohol or engaging in sexual activity should generate a lengthy list.
4.2.4 Language is Relational
We use verbal communication to initiate, maintain, and terminate our interpersonal relationships. The first few exchanges with a potential romantic partner or friend help us size the other person up and figure out if we want to pursue a relationship or not. We then use verbal communication to remind others how we feel about them and to check in with them—engaging in relationship maintenance through language use. When negative feelings arrive and persist, or for many other reasons, we often use verbal communication to end a relationship.
Language Can Bring Us Together
Interpersonally, verbal communication is key to bringing people together and maintaining relationships. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, our use of words like I, you, we, our, and us affect our relationships. “We language” includes the words we, our, and us and can be used to promote a feeling of inclusiveness. “I language” can be useful when expressing thoughts, needs, and feelings because it leads us to “own” our expressions and avoid the tendency to mistakenly attribute the cause of our thoughts, needs, and feelings to others. Communicating emotions using “I language” may also facilitate emotion sharing by not making our conversational partner feel at fault or defensive. For example, instead of saying, “You’re making me crazy!” you could say, “I’m starting to feel really anxious because we can’t make a decision about this.” Conversely, “you language” can lead people to become defensive and feel attacked, which could be divisive and result in feelings of interpersonal separation.
Aside from the specific words that we use, the frequency of communication affects relationships. Of course, the content of what is said is important, but research shows that romantic partners who communicate frequently with each other and with mutual friends and family members experience less stress and uncertainty in their relationship and are more likely to stay together (McCornack, 2007).
When frequent communication combines with supportive messages, which are messages communicated in an open, honest, and non-confrontational way, people are sure to come together.
Language Can Separate Us
Whether its criticism, teasing, or language differences, verbal communication can also lead to feelings of separation. Language differences alone do not present insurmountable barriers. We can learn other languages with time and effort, there are other people who can translate and serve as bridges across languages, and we can communicate quite a lot nonverbally in the absence of linguistic compatibility. People who speak the same language can intentionally use language to separate. The words us and them can be a powerful start to separation.
Think of how language played a role in segregation in the United States as the Supreme Court upheld the notion of “separate but equal” and how apartheid affected South Africa as limits, based on finances and education, were placed on the black majority’s rights to vote. Symbols, both words and images, were a very important part of Hitler’s rise to power in the 1930s and ’40s in Europe. Various combinations of colored stars, triangles, letters, and other symbols were sewn onto the clothing or uniforms of people persecuted by the Nazis in order to classify them. People were labeled and reduced to certain characteristics rather than seen as complete humans, which facilitated the Nazis’ oppression, violence, and killing (Holocaust and Human Rights Education Center,2012).
At the interpersonal level, unsupportive messages can make others respond defensively, which can lead to feelings of separation and actual separation or dissolution of a relationship. It is impossible to be supportive in our communication all the time, but consistently unsupportive messages can hurt others’ self-esteem, escalate conflict, and lead to defensiveness. People who regularly use unsupportive messages may create a toxic win/lose climate in a relationship. Six verbal tactics that can lead to feelings of defensiveness and separation are global labels, sarcasm, dragging up the past, negative comparisons, judgmental “you” messages, and threats (McKay, Davis, & Fanning, 1995).
Common Types of Unsupportive Messages
- Global labels. “You’re a liar.” Labeling someone irresponsible, untrustworthy, selfish, or lazy calls his or her whole identity as a person into question. Such sweeping judgments and generalizations are sure to escalate a negative situation.
- Sarcasm. “No, you didn’t miss anything in class on Wednesday. We just sat here and looked at each other.” Even though sarcasm is often disguised as humor, it usually represents passive-aggressive behavior through which a person indirectly communicates negative feelings.
- Dragging up the past. “I should have known not to trust you when you never paid me back that $100 I let you borrow.” Bringing up negative past experiences is a tactic used by people when they do not want to discuss a current situation. Sometimes people have built up negative feelings that are suddenly let out by a seemingly small thing in the moment.
- Negative comparisons. “Jade graduated from college without any credit card debt. I guess you’re just not as responsible as her.” Holding a person up to the supposed standards or characteristics of another person can lead to feelings of inferiority and resentment. Parents and teachers may unfairly compare children to their siblings.
- Judgmental “you” messages. “You’re never going to be able to hold down a job.” Accusatory messages are usually generalized overstatements about another person that go beyond labeling but still do not describe specific behavior in a productive way.
- Threats. “If you don’t stop texting back and forth with your ex, both of you are going to regret it.” Threatening someone with violence or some other negative consequence usually signals the end of productive communication. Aside from the potential legal consequences, threats usually overcompensate for a person’s insecurity.
4.3 Using Words Well
Have you ever gotten lost because someone gave you directions that did not make sense to you? Have you ever puzzled over the instructions for how to put something like a bookshelf or grill together? When people do not use words well, there are consequences that range from mild annoyance to legal actions. When people do use words well, they can be inspiring and make us better people. In this section, we will learn how to use words well by using words clearly, using words affectively, and using words ethically.
4.3.1 Using Words Clearly
The level of clarity with which we speak varies depending on whom we talk to, the situation we are in, and our own intentions and motives. We sometimes make a deliberate effort to speak as clearly as possible. We can indicate this concern for clarity nonverbally by slowing our rate and increasing our volume or verbally by saying, “Frankly…” or “Let me be clear…” Sometimes it can be difficult to speak clearly—for example, when we are speaking about something with which we are unfamiliar. Emotions and distractions can also interfere with our clarity. Being aware of the varying levels of abstraction within language can help us create clearer and more “whole” messages.
Level of Abstraction
The ladder of abstraction is a model used to illustrate how language can range from concrete to abstract. As we follow a concept up the ladder of abstraction, more and more of the “essence” of the original object is lost or left out, which leaves more room for interpretation, which can lead to misunderstanding. This process of abstracting, of leaving things out, allows us to communicate more effectively because it serves as a shorthand that keeps us from having a completely unmanageable language filled with millions of words—each referring to one specific thing (Hayakawa & Hayakawa, 1990). However, it requires us to use context and other words to generate shared meaning. Some words are more directly related to a concept or idea than others are. If I asked you to go take a picture of a book, you could do that. If I asked you to go and take a picture of “work,” you couldn’t because work is an abstract word that was developed to refer to any number of possibilities from the act of writing a book, to repairing an air conditioner, to fertilizing an organic garden. You could take a picture of any of those things, but you cannot take a picture of “work.”
You can see the semanticist S. I. Hayakawa’s classic example of the abstraction ladder with "Bessie the cow" in figure 3.5 “Ladder of abstraction” (Hayakawa & Hayakawa, 1990). At the lowest level, we have something that is very concrete. At this level, we are actually in the moment of experiencing the stimuli that is coming in through our senses. We perceive the actual “thing,” which is the “cow” in front of us (either in person or as an image). This is concrete, because it is unmediated, meaning it is actually the moment of experience. As we move up a level, we give the experience a name—we are looking at “Bessie.” So now, instead of the direct experience with the “thing” in front of us, we have given the thing a name, which takes us one step away from the direct experience to the use of a more abstract symbol. Now we can talk and think about Bessie even when we are not directly experiencing her. At the next level, the word cow now lumps Bessie in with other bovine creatures that share similar characteristics. As we go on up the ladder, cow becomes livestock, livestock becomes an asset, and then an asset becomes wealth. Note that it becomes increasingly difficult to define the meaning of the symbol as we go up the ladder. With each step, we lose more of the characteristics of the original concrete experience.
When shared referents are important, we should try to use language that is lower on the ladder of abstraction. Being intentionally concrete is useful when giving directions, for example, and can help prevent misunderstanding. We sometimes intentionally use abstract language. Since abstract language is often unclear or vague, we can use it as a means of testing out a potential topic (like asking a favor), offering negative feedback indirectly (to avoid hurting someone’s feelings or to hint), or avoiding the specifics of a topic.
Definitions and Clarity
Knowing more about the role that abstraction plays in the generation of meaning can help us better describe and define the words we use. As we learned earlier, denotative definitions are those found in the dictionary—the official or agreed-on definition. Since definitions are composed of other words, people who compile dictionaries take for granted that there is a certain amount of familiarity with the words used to define another word—otherwise we would just be going in circles.
One challenge we face when defining words is our tendency to go up the ladder of abstraction rather than down (Hayakawa & Hayakawa, 1990). For example, if asked to define the word blue, you would likely say it is a color. If asked what a color is, you would say it is a tint or characteristic of the appearance of a particular thing. To define more clearly, by going down the ladder of abstraction, you could say, “It’s the color of Frank Sinatra’s eyes,” or “It’s what the sky looks like on a clear day.” People often come to understanding more quickly when a definition is descriptive and/or ties into their personal experiences. Definitions are not useless, but they are usually best when paired with examples.
Jargon refers to specialized words used by a certain group or profession. Since jargon is specialized, it is often difficult to relate to a diverse audience and should therefore be limited when speaking to people from outside the group—or at least be clearly defined when it is used.
4.3.2 Using Words Ethically
Communication is irreversible. The National Communication Association’s “Credo for Ethical Communication” states that we should be accountable for the long- and short-term effects of our communication (National Communication Association, 2012). The way we talk, the words we choose to use, and the actions we take after we are done speaking are all important aspects of communication ethics. Knowing that language can have real effects for people increases our need to be aware of the ethical implications of what we say. Hate speech and bias are important aspects of communication ethics on language and culture. In this section, we will focus on civility and accountability.
Civility
Our strong emotions regarding our own beliefs, attitudes, and values can sometimes lead to incivility in our verbal communication. Incivility occurs when a person deviates from established social norms. It can take many forms, including insults, bragging, bullying, gossiping, swearing, deception, and defensiveness, among others (Miller, 2001). Some people lament that we live in a time when civility is diminishing, but since standards and expectations for what is considered civil communication have changed over time, this isn’t the only time such claims have been made (Miller, 2001). As individualism and affluence have increased in many societies, so have the number of idiosyncratic identities that people feel they have the right to express. These increases could contribute to the impression that society is becoming less civil, when in fact it is just becoming different. As we learned in our section on perception and personality, we tend to assume other people are like us, and we may be disappointed or offended when we realize they are not. Cultural changes have probably contributed to making people less willing to engage in self-restraint, which again would be seen as uncivil by people who prefer a more restrained and self-controlled expression (Miller, 2001). The following are some common individual and situational influences that may lead to breaches of civility (Miller, 2001):
- Individual differences. Some people differ in their interpretations of civility in various settings, and some people have personality traits that may lead to actions deemed uncivil on a more regular basis.
- Ignorance. In some cases, especially in novel situations involving uncertainty, people may not know what social norms and expectations are.
- Lack of skill. Even when we know how to behave, we may not be able to do it. Such frustrations may lead a person to revert to undesirable behavior such as engaging in personal attacks during a conflict because they do not know what else to do.
- Lapse of control. Self-control is not an unlimited resource. Even when people know how to behave and have the skill to respond to a situation appropriately, they may not do so. Even people who are careful to monitor their behavior have occasional slipups.
- Negative intent. Some people, in an attempt to break with conformity or challenge societal norms, or for self-benefit (publicly embarrassing someone in order to look cool or edgy), are openly uncivil. Such behavior can also result from mental or psychological stresses or illnesses.
Polarizing Language
Philosophers of language have long noted our tendency to represent the world in very narrow ways when we feel threatened (Hayakawa & Hayakawa, 1990). This misrepresents reality and closes off dialogue. Although in our everyday talk we describe things in nuanced and measured ways, quarrels and controversies often narrow our vision, which is reflected in our vocabulary. In order to maintain a civil discourse in which people interact ethically and competently, it has been suggested that we keep an open mind and an open vocabulary.
One feature of communicative incivility is polarizing language, which refers to language that presents people, ideas, or situations as polar opposites. Such language exaggerates differences and overgeneralizes. Things are not simply black or white, right or wrong, or good or bad. Being able to see only two values and clearly accepting one and rejecting another does not indicate sophisticated or critical thinking. We do not have to accept every viewpoint as right and valid, and we can still hold strongly to our own beliefs and defend them without ignoring other possibilities, rejecting, or alienating others. A citizen who says, “All cops are corrupt,” is just as wrong as the cop who says, “All drug users are scum.” In avoiding polarizing language, we keep a more open mind, which may lead us to learn something new. A citizen may have a personal story about a negative encounter with a police officer that could enlighten us on his or her perspective, but the statement also falsely overgeneralizes that experience. Avoiding polarizing language can help us avoid polarized thinking, and the new information we learn may allow us to better understand and advocate for our position. Avoiding sweeping generalizations allows us to speak more clearly and avoid defensive reactions from others that result from such blanket statements.
Swearing
Scholars have identified two main types of swearing: social swearing and annoyance swearing (Baruch & Jenkins, 2007). People engage in social swearing to create social bonds or for impression management (to seem cool or attractive). This type of swearing is typically viewed as male dominated, but some research studies have shown that the differences in frequency and use of swearing by men and women are not as vast as perceived. Nevertheless, there is generally more of a social taboo against women swearing than men, but as you already know, communication is contextual. Annoyance swearing provides a sense of relief, as people use it to manage stress and tension, which can be a preferred alternative to physical aggression. In some cases, swearing can be cathartic, allowing a person to release emotions that might otherwise lead to more aggressive or violent actions.
Accountability
The complexity of our verbal language system allows us to present inferences as facts and mask judgments within seemingly objective or oblique language. As an ethical speaker and a critical listener, it is important to be able to distinguish between facts, inferences, and judgments (Hayakawa & Hayakawa, 1990). Inferences are conclusions based on thoughts or speculation, but not direct observation. Facts are conclusions based on direct observation or group consensus. Judgments are expressions of approval or disapproval that are subjective and not verifiable.
Linguists have noted that a frequent source of miscommunication is inference-observation confusion, or the misperception of an inference (conclusion based on limited information) as an observation (an observed or agreed-on fact) (Haney, 1992). We can see the possibility for such confusion in the following example: If a student posts on a professor-rating site the statement “This professor grades unfairly and plays favorites,” then they are presenting an inference and a judgment that could easily be interpreted as a fact. Using some of the strategies discussed earlier for speaking clearly can help present information in a more ethical way—for example, by using concrete and descriptive language and owning emotions and thoughts through the use of “I language.” To help clarify the message and be more accountable, the student could say, “I worked for three days straight on my final paper and only got a C,” which we will assume is a statement of fact. This could then be followed up with “But my friend told me she only worked on hers the day before it was due and she got an A. I think that’s unfair and I feel like my efforts aren’t recognized by the professor.” Of the last two statements, the first states what may be a fact (note, however, that the information is secondhand rather than directly observed) and the second states an inferred conclusion and expresses an owned thought and feeling. Sometimes people do not want to mark their statements as inferences because they want to believe them as facts. In this case, the student may have attributed her grade to the professor’s “unfairness” to cover up or avoid thoughts that her friend may be a better student in this subject area, a better writer, or a better student in general. Distinguishing between facts, inferences, and judgments, however, allows your listeners to better understand your message and judge the merits of it, which makes us more accountable and therefore more ethical speakers.
4.4 Language, Society, and Culture
Society and culture influence the words that we speak, and the words that we speak influence society and culture. Such a cyclical relationship can be difficult to understand, but many of the examples here and examples from our own lives help illustrate this point. One of the best ways to learn about society, culture, and language is to seek out opportunities to go beyond our typical comfort zones. Studying abroad, for example, brings many challenges that can turn into valuable lessons.
4.4.1 Language and Social Context
We arrive at meaning through conversational interaction, which follows many social norms and rules. As we have already learned, rules are explicitly stated conventions (“Look at me when I’m talking to you.”) and norms are implicit (saying you have to leave before you actually do to initiate politely the end to a conversation). To help conversations function meaningfully, we have learned social norms and internalized them to such an extent that we do not often consciously enact them. Instead, we rely on routines and roles (as determined by social forces) to help us proceed with verbal interaction, which also helps determine how a conversation will unfold. Our various social roles influence how we speak. For example, a person may say, “As a longtime member of this community…” or “As a first-generation college student…” Such statements cue others into the personal and social context from which we are speaking, which helps them better interpret our meaning.
One social norm that structures our communication is turn taking. People need to feel like they are contributing something to an interaction, so turn taking is a central part of how conversations play out (Crystal, 2005). Although we sometimes talk at the same time as others or interrupt them, there are numerous verbal and nonverbal cues, almost like a dance, that are exchanged between speakers that let people know when their turn will begin or end. Conversations do not always neatly progress from beginning to end with shared understanding along the way. There is a back and forth that is often verbally managed through rephrasing (“Let me try that again,”) and clarification (“Does that make sense?”) (Crystal, 2005)
Ending a conversation is similarly complex. Just walking away or ending a conversation without engaging in socially acceptable “leave-taking behaviors” would be considered a breach of social norms. Topic changes are often places where people can leave a conversation, but it is still routine for us to give a special reason for leaving, often in an apologetic tone (whether we mean it or not). Generally, though, conversations end through the cooperation of both people, as they offer and recognize typical signals that a topic area has been satisfactorily covered or that one or both people need to leave. It is customary in the United States for people to say they have to leave before they actually do and for that statement to be dismissed or ignored by the other person until additional leave-taking behaviors are enacted. When such cooperation is lacking, an awkward silence or abrupt ending can result, and as we have already learned, US Americans are not big fans of silence. Silence is not viewed the same way in other cultures, which leads us to our discussion of cultural context.
4.4.2 Language and Cultural Context
Language and Cultural Bias
Cultural bias is a skewed way of viewing or talking about a group negatively. Bias has a way of creeping into our daily language use, often under our awareness. Culturally biased language can refer to one or more cultural identities, including race, gender, age, sexual orientation, and ability. Much biased language is based on stereotypes and myths that influence the words we use. Bias is both intentional and unintentional, but as we’ve already discussed, we have to be accountable for what we say even if we didn’t “intend” a particular meaning—remember, meaning is generated; it doesn’t exist inside our thoughts or words. We will discuss specific ways in which cultural bias manifests in our language and ways to become more aware of bias. Becoming aware of and addressing cultural bias is not the same thing as engaging in “political correctness.” Political correctness takes awareness to the extreme but does not do much to address cultural bias aside from make people feel like they are walking on eggshells. That kind of pressure can lead people to avoid discussions about cultural identities or avoid people with different cultural identities. Our goal is not to eliminate all cultural bias from verbal communication or to never offend anyone, intentionally or otherwise. Instead, we will continue to use guidelines for ethical communication that we have already discussed and strive to increase our competence.
Race
People sometimes use euphemisms for race that illustrate bias because the terms are implicitly compared to the dominant group (Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association, 2019). For example, referring to a person as “urban” or a neighborhood as “inner city” can be an accurate descriptor, but when such words are used as a substitute for racial identity, they illustrate cultural biases that equate certain races with cities and poverty. Using adjectives like articulate or well dressed in statements like “My black coworker is articulate” reinforces negative stereotypes even though these words are typically viewed as positive. Terms like nonwhite set up whiteness as the norm, which implies that white people are the norm against which all other races should be compared. Biased language also reduces the diversity within certain racial groups—for example, referring to anyone who looks like they are of Asian descent as Chinese or everyone who “looks” Latino/a as Mexicans. Some people with racial identities other than white, including people who are multiracial, use the label person/people of color to indicate solidarity among groups, but it is likely that they still prefer a more specific label when referring to an individual or referencing a specific racial group.
Gender
Language has a tendency to exaggerate perceived and stereotypical differences between men and women. The use of the term opposite sex presumes that men and women are opposites, like positive and negative poles of a magnet, which is obviously not true, or men and women would not be able to have successful interactions or relationships. A term like other gender does not presume opposites and acknowledges that male and female identities and communication are more influenced by gender, which is the social and cultural meanings and norms associated with males and females, than sex, which is the physiology and genetic makeup of a male and female.
One key to avoiding gendered bias in language is to avoid the generic use of he when referring to something relevant to males and females. Instead, you can informally use a gender-neutral pronoun like they or their or you can use his or her (Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association, 2019). When giving a series of examples, you can alternate usage of masculine and feminine pronouns, switching with each example. We have lasting gendered associations with certain occupations that have tended to be male or female dominated, which erase the presence of both genders. Other words reflect the general masculine bias present in English. The following word pairs show the gender-biased term followed by an unbiased term: waitress/server, chairman/chair or chairperson, mankind/people, cameraman/camera operator, mailman/postal worker, sportsmanship/fair play. Common language practices also tend to infantilize women but not men, when, for example, women are referred to as chicks, girls, or babes. Since there is no linguistic equivalent that indicates the marital status of men before their name. Using Ms. instead of Miss or Mrs. helps reduce bias.
Age
Language that includes age bias can be directed toward older or younger people. Descriptions of younger people often presume recklessness or inexperience, while those of older people presume frailty or disconnection. The term elderly generally refers to people over sixty-five, but it has connotations of weakness, which is not accurate because there are plenty of people over sixty-five who are stronger and more athletic than people in their twenties and thirties. Even though it is generic, older people does not really have negative implications. More specific words that describe groups of older people include grandmothers/grandfathers (even though they can be fairly young too), retirees, or people over sixty-five (Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association, 2019). Referring to people over the age of eighteen as boys or girls is not typically viewed as appropriate.
Sexual Orientation
Discussions of sexual and affectional orientation range from everyday conversations to contentious political and personal debates. The negative stereotypes that have been associated with homosexuality, including deviance, mental illness, and criminal behavior, continue to influence our language use (American Psychological Association, 2019). Terminology related to gay, lesbian, and bisexual (GLB) people can be confusing, so let’s spend some time raise our awareness about preferred labels. First, sexual orientation is the term preferred to sexual preference. Preference suggests a voluntary choice, as in someone has a preference for cheddar or American cheese, which doesn’t reflect the experience of most GLB people or research findings that show sexuality is more complex. You may also see affectional orientation included with sexual orientation because it acknowledges that GLB relationships, like heterosexual relationships, are about intimacy and closeness (affection) that is not just sexually based. Most people also prefer the labels gay, lesbian, or bisexual to homosexual, which is clinical and does not so much refer to an identity as a sex act.
Ability
People with disabilities make up a diverse group that has increasingly come to be viewed as a cultural/social identity group. People without disabilities are often referred to as able-bodied. As with sexual orientation, comparing people with disabilities to “normal” people implies that there is an agreed-on definition of what “normal” is and that people with disabilities are “abnormal.” Disability is also preferred to the word handicap. Just because someone is disabled does not mean he or she is also handicapped. The environment around them rather than their disability often handicaps people with disabilities (Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association, 2019). Ignoring the environment as the source of a handicap and placing it on the person fits into a pattern of reducing people with disabilities to their disability—for example, calling someone a paraplegic instead of a person with paraplegia. In many cases, as with sexual orientation, race, age, and gender, verbally marking a person as disabled is not relevant and does not need spotlighting. Language used in conjunction with disabilities also tends to portray people as victims of their disability and paint pictures of their lives as gloomy, dreadful, or painful. Such descriptors are often generalizations or completely inaccurate.
References
Abram, D. (1997). Spell of the sensuous: Perception and language in a more-than-human world. Vintage Books.
Allan, K., & Burridge, K. (2006). Forbidden words: Taboo and the censoring of language. Cambridge University Press.
American Psychological Association. (2019). Publication manual of the American Psychological Association 7th ed.). American Psychological Association.
American Psychological Association. (2019). Supplemental resources. https://apastyle.apa.org/products/supplemental-resources
Barthes, R. (1972). Mythologies (A. Lavers, Trans.). Hill and Wang.
Baruch, Y., & Jenkins, S. (2007). Swearing at work and permissive leadership culture: When anti-social becomes social and incivility is acceptable. Leadership & Organization Development Journal, 28(6), 492–507. https://doi.org/10.1108/01437730710780958
Brown, G. A. (2006). Explaining. In O. Hargie (Ed.),The handbook of communication skills. Routledge.
Crystal, D. (2005). How language works: How babies babble, words change meaning, and languages live or die. Overlook Press.
Dindia, K. (1987). The effect of sex of subject and sex of partner on interruptions. Human Communication Research, 13(3), 345-371. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1468-2958.1987.tb00109.x
Dindia, K., & Allen, M. (1992). Sex differences in self-disclosure: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 112(1), 106–124. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.112.1.106
Haney, W. V. (1992). Communication and Interpersonal relations: Text and cases. Pennsylvania State University Press.
Hargie, O. (2011). Skilled interpersonal interaction: Research, theory, and practice. Routledge.
Hayakawa, S. I., & Hayakawa, A. R. (1990). Language in thought and action (5th ed.). Harcourt Brace.
Holocaust and Human Rights Education Center. (n.d.). Lesson 4: 1939–1942, Persecution and segregation. Retrieved November 11, 2021 from https://hhrecny.app.neoncrm.com/np/clients/hhrecny/product.jsp?product=26&
McCornack, S. (2007). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Bedford/St Martin’s.
McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (1995). Messages: Communication skills book (2nd ed.). New Harbinger Publications.
Miller, R. S. (2001). Breaches of propriety. In R. M. Kowalski (Ed.), Behaving badly: Aversive behaviors in interpersonal relationships (pp. 29–58). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/10365-002
National Communication Association. (2017). NCA credo for ethical communication. Retrieved November 12, 2021 from https://www.natcom.org/sites/default/files/Public_Statement_Credo_for_Ethical_Communication_2017.pdf
Ogden, C.K., & Richards, I.A. (1923). The meaning of meaning. Harcourt, Brace.
Olbricht, T. H. (1968). Informative speaking. Scott, Foresman.
Yaguello, M. (1998). Language through the looking glass: Exploring language and linguistics. Oxford University Press.
Figures
Figure 4.1: Triangle of meaning. Kindred Grey. 2022. CC BY 4.0.
Figure 4.2: Image of little boy playing soccer and cheering. Laura Rincon. 2023. CC by Pexels.
Figure 4.2: “Google” is a neologism; the term went from being just a noun to both a noun and a verb. Nathana Rebouças. 2020. Unsplash license. https://unsplash.com/photos/O5v8heKY4cI
Figure 4.3: Example of a supportive message. Kindred Grey. 2022. CC BY 4.0.
Figure 4.4: Example of an unsupportive message. Kindred Grey. 2022. CC BY 4.0.
Figure 4.5: Ladder of abstraction. Kindred Grey. 2022. CC BY 4.0. Adapted under fair use from S. I. Hayakawa and Alan R. Hayakawa, Language in Thought and Action, 5th ed. (San Diego, CA: Harcourt Brace, 1990), 85.
Figure 4.6: Common types of cultural bias. Kindred Grey. 2022. CC BY 4.0.
Introduction
What do you do when you perceive a disagreement with someone close to you? Have you ever attempted to confront a family member about an important issue, only to have them shift the topic or joke it off? These situations can be incredibly frustrating—but they’re also quite common. In this chapter we'll discuss interpersonal conflict: a perceived or expressed disagreement between two or more interdependent parties. Conflict is a natural part of human interaction, as conflict can arise from differences in opinions, miscommunication, or perceived threats to one's identity or goals. While many people view conflict as negative, it is an essential aspect of communication. When handled well, conflict can strengthen relationships, foster mutual understanding, and promote creative problem-solving. We’ll begin by breaking down the definition of conflict, examining two perspectives on its role in relationships, and exploring its positive and negative functions. Later in the chapter, we’ll look at emotional dynamics in conflict and strategies for navigating disagreements constructively.
8.1 Understanding Conflict
The term conflict can be difficult to define precisely. Scholars have proposed many definitions over time, but generally speaking, conflict, is an interactive process occurring when conscious beings (individuals or groups) have opposing or incompatible actions, beliefs, goals, ideas, motives, needs, objectives, obligations resources and/or values. Let’s unpack that definition a bit:
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Conflict is inherently communicative—it happens through interaction.
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It involves at least two conscious, thinking parties—individuals or groups.
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It arises from incompatibility, whether that’s over beliefs, goals, resources, or any number of other areas.
This definition spans a wide range of disagreements—from minor differences of opinion to intense, emotionally charged disputes. In the next section, we’ll break this down further and explore why understanding conflict matters in communication.
8.1.1 Defining Interpersonal Conflict
According to Cahn and Abigail (2014), interpersonal conflict requires four factors to be present:
- the conflict parties are interdependent,
- they have the perception that they seek incompatible goals or outcomes or they favor incompatible means to the same ends,
- the perceived incompatibility has the potential to adversely affect the relationship leaving emotional residues if not addressed, and
- there is a sense of urgency about the need to resolve the difference.
Let’s look at each of these parts of interpersonal conflict separately.
People are Interdependent
According to Cahn and Abigail, “interdependence occurs when those involved in a relationship characterize it as continuous and important, making it worth the effort to maintain” (2014). From this perspective, interpersonal conflict occurs when we are in some kind of relationship with another person. For example, it could be a relationship with a parent/guardian, a child, a coworker, a boss, a spouse, etc. In each of these interpersonal relationships, we generally see ourselves as having long-term relationships with these people that we want to succeed. For example, if you argue with a stranger on the subway, it may be a disagreement, but not an interpersonal conflict. Without interdependence, the stakes are lower and the connection less meaningful.
People Perceive Differing Goals/Outcomes of Means to the Same Ends
An incompatible goal occurs when two people want different things. For example, imagine you and your best friend are thinking about going to the movies. They want to see a big-budget superhero film, and you’re more in the mood for an independent artsy film. In this case, you have pretty incompatible goals (movie choices). You can also have incompatible means to reach the same end. Incompatible means, in this case, “occur when we want to achieve the same goal but differ in how we should do so” (Cahn & Abigail, 2014). For example, you and your best friend agree on going to the same movie, but not about at which theatre you should see the film.
Conflict Can Negatively Affect the Relationship if Not Addressed
Poorly managed conflict can damage relationships. Consider these examples of mismanagement:
- One person dominates while the other caves.
- Someone yells or uses insults.
- One partner manipulates through lies or half-truths.
- Both parties refuse to compromise.
- One partner avoids the issue altogether.
When conflicts are handled destructively, they can erode liking, trust, and emotional investment. Over time, this may lead to avoidance, resentment, or even the end of the relationship. Later in this chapter, we’ll examine aggressive and avoidant conflict behaviors in more detail.
There is a Sense of Urgency
Finally, interpersonal conflicts involve a pressing need for resolution. If left unresolved, conflicts can escalate or simmer beneath the surface.
Now, some people let conflicts stir and rise over many years that can eventually boil over, but these types of conflicts when they arise generally have some other kind of underlying conflict that is causing the sudden explosion. For example, imagine your spouse has a particularly quirky habit. For the most part, you ignore this habit and may even make a joke about the habit. Finally, one day you just explode and demand the habit must change. Now, it’s possible that you let this conflict build for so long that it finally explodes. It’s kind of like a geyser. According to Yellowstone National Park (2015), here’s how a geyser works:
The looping chambers trap steam from the hot water. Escaped bubbles from trapped steam heat the water column to the boiling point. When the pressure from the trapped steam builds enough, it blasts, releasing the pressure. As the entire water column boils out of the ground, more than half the volume is this steam. The eruption stops when the water cools below the boiling point.
In the same way, sometimes people let irritations or underlying conflict percolate inside of them until they reach a boiling point, which leads to the eventual release of pressure in the form of a sudden, out of nowhere conflict. In this case, even though the conflict has been building for some time, the eventual desire to make this conflict known to the other person does cause an immediate sense of urgency for the conflict to be solved.
8.1.2 Two Perspectives on Conflict
As with most areas of interpersonal communication, no single perspective exists in the field related to interpersonal conflict. There are generally two very different perspectives that one can take (see Simons, 1972). On the one hand, you had scholars who see conflict as a disruption in a normal working system, which should be avoided. On the other hand, some scholars view conflict as a normal part of human relationships. Let’s look at each of these in this section.
Conflict as Disruption
The first major perspective on conflict views it as inherently disruptive and potentially harmful to relationships and social harmony. This perspective, often aligned with collectivistic cultures, emphasizes the importance of group cohesion, maintaining relationships, and avoiding direct confrontation. According to McCroskey and Wheeless (1976), conflict in interpersonal relationships is seen as the breakdown of affinity—the erosion of mutual attraction, the perception of incompatibility, and the development of disrespect between individuals. From this viewpoint, conflict is not simply a disagreement over an issue but a deeper disruption of social bonds, often leading to negative emotions and damaged relationships. Collectivistic cultures, which prioritize harmony and interdependence, tend to view conflict as something to be avoided whenever possible, as it threatens the stability and well-being of the group.
From this perspective, conflict is often managed through indirect communication, compromise, or avoidance, with an emphasis on preserving relationships over winning the argument. When conflict escalates and is allowed to fester, it is compared to a wound that worsens without care. While disagreements can be addressed and resolved in a way that allows both parties to save face, conflicts are seen as far more damaging and may require significant effort to manage without causing lasting harm to the relationship.
Conflict as Normal
The second perspective of the concept of conflict is very different from the first one. According to this perspective, conflict is a normal and an inevitable part of life, essential for the growth of relationships (Cahn & Abigail, 2014). From this viewpoint, conflict is a natural aspect of human interaction, where individuals with different perspectives and needs come together to negotiate, collaborate, and find solutions. In fact, one could ask whether it is possible for relationships to grow without conflict. Successfully managing and resolving conflicts can make relationships healthier, fostering mutual understanding and trust.
In this approach, conflict is seen as neither inherently good nor bad, but rather a tool that can be used for constructive or destructive purposes, depending on how it is handled. When managed well, conflict can offer numerous benefits to individuals and relationships. It helps people find common ground, develop better conflict management skills for the future, and gain a deeper understanding of one another. Conflict often leads to creative solutions to problems, providing opportunities for open and honest discussions that build trust. Moreover, navigating conflict encourages personal growth, improves communication skills, and enhances emotional intelligence. It also allows individuals to set healthy boundaries, assert their needs, and practice effective communication strategies.
When viewed from this perspective, conflict is an invaluable resource in relationships, offering opportunities for learning, development, and connection. However, for conflict to be truly beneficial, both parties must engage in prosocial conflict management strategies—working together to ensure the conflict leads to positive outcomes for all involved.
8.2 Power and Influence
One of the primary reasons we engage in a variety of interpersonal relationships over our lifetimes is to influence others. Whether we realize it or not, we live in a world where we’re constantly trying to accomplish goals—big or small—and getting others on board with those goals is often essential. Influence is a key part of social survival. We define influence when an individual or group of people alters another person’s thinking, feelings, and/or behaviors through accidental, expressive, or rhetorical communication (Wrench, McCrosky, & Richmond, 2008). Notice this definition of influence is one that focuses on the importance of communication within the interaction. Within this definition, we discuss three specific types of communication: unintentional, expressive, or rhetorical.
First, we have unintentional communication, or when we send messages to another person without realizing those messages are being sent. Imagine you are walking on campus and notice a table set up for a specific charity. A person who you really respect is hanging out at the table laughing and smiling, so you decide to donate a dollar to the charity. The person who was just hanging out at the table influenced your decision to donate. They could have just been talking to another friend and may not have even really been a supporter of the charity, but their presence was enough to influence your donation. At the same time, we often influence others to think, feel, and behave in ways they wouldn’t have unconsciously. A smile, a frown, a head nod, or eye eversion can all be nonverbal indicators to other people, which could influence them.
The second type of communication we can have is expressive or emotionally-based communication. Our emotional states can often influence other people. If we are happy, others can become happy, and if we are sad, others may avoid us altogether. Maybe you’ve walked into a room and seen someone crying, so you ask, “Are you OK?” Instead of responding, the person just turns and glowers at you, so you turn around and leave. With just one look, this person influenced your behavior.
The final type of communication, rhetorical communication, involves purposefully creating and sending messages to another person in the hopes of altering another person’s thinking, feelings, and/or behaviors. Unintentional communication is not planned. Expressive communication is often not conscious at all. However, rhetorical communication is purposeful. When we are using rhetorical communication to influence another person(s), we know that we are trying to influence that person(s).
8.2.1 French & Raven’s Five Bases of Power
When we hear the word power, many of us think of superheroes, political leaders, or people in positions of authority. But in the social sciences, power has a specific definition.Power is the degree that a social agent (A) has the ability to get another person(s) (P) to alter their thoughts, feelings, and/or behaviors. Unlike influence in general, which can happen unintentionally, power always involves rhetorical communication—it’s deliberate and goal-driven. Power is about intentionally trying to change someone’s mindset or behavior.
French and Raven (1959) identified five bases of power:
- Informational: Informational power refers to a social agent’s ability to bring about a change in thought, feeling, and/or behavior through information. For example, since you initially started school, teachers have had informational power over you. They have provided you with a range of information on history, science, grammar, art, etc. that shape how you think (what constitutes history?), feel (what does it mean to be aesthetically pleasing?), and behave (how do you properly mix chemicals in a lab?). In some ways, informational power is very strong, because it’s often the first form of power with which we come into contact. In fact, when you are taught how to think, feel, and/or behave, this change “now continues without the target necessarily referring to, or even remembering, the [influencer] as being the agent of change” (Raven, 2008).
- Coercive and Reward: Coercive power, is the ability to punish an individual who does not comply with one’s influencing attempts. On the other end of the spectrum, we have reward power (3rd base of power), which is the ability to offer an individual rewards for complying with one’s influencing attempts. We talk about these two bases of power together because they are two sides of the same coin. Furthermore, the same problems with this type of power apply equally to both. Influence can happen if you punish or reward someone; however, as soon as you take away that punishment or reward, the thoughts, feelings, and/or behavior will reverse back to its initial state. Hence, we refer to both coercive and reward power as attempts to get someone to comply with influence, because this is the highest level of influence one can hope to achieve with these two forms of power.
- Legitimate: Legitimate power, is influence that occurs because a person (P) believes that the social agent (A) has a valid right to influence P, and P has an obligation to accept A’s attempt to influence P’s thoughts, feelings, and/or behaviors. French and Raven argued that there were two common forms of legitimate power: cultural and structural. Cultural legitimate power occurs when a change agent is viewed as having the right to influence others because of their role in the culture. For example, in some cultures, the elderly may have a stronger right to influence than younger members of that culture. Structural legitimate power, on the other hand, occurs because someone fulfills a specific position within the social hierarchy. For example, your boss may have the legitimate right to influence your thoughts, feelings, and/or behaviors in the workplace because they are above you in the organizational hierarchy (French & Raven, 1959).
- Expert: Expert power, is the power we give an individual to influence us because of their perceived knowledge. For example, we often give our physicians the ability to influence our behavior (e.g., eat right, exercise, take medication, etc.) because we view these individuals as having specialized knowledge. However, this type of influence only is effective if P believes A is an expert, P trusts A, and P believes that A is telling the truth. One problem we often face in the 21st Century involves the conceptualization of the word “expert.” Many people in today’s world can be perceived as “experts” just because they write a book, have a talk show, were on a reality TV show, or are seen on news programs (Bauerlein, 2008). Many of these so-called “experts” may have no reasonable skill or knowledge but they can be trumpeted as experts. One of the problems with the Internet is the fundamental flaw that anyone can put information online with only an opinion and no actual facts. Additionally, we often engage in debates about “facts” because we have different talking heads telling us different information. Historically, expert power was always a very strong form of power, but there is growing concern that we are losing expertise and knowledge to unsubstantiated opinions and rumor mongering.
- Referent: Referent power, is a social agent’s ability to influence another person because P wants to be associated with A. Ultimately, referent power is about relationship building and the desire for a relationship. If A is a person P finds attractive, then P will do whatever they need to do to become associated with A. If A belongs to a group, then P will want to join that group. Ultimately, this relationship exists because P wants to think, feel, and behave as A does. For example, if A decides that he likes modern art, then P will also decide to like modern art. If A has a very strong work ethic in the workplace, then P will adopt a strong work ethic in the workplace as well. Often A has no idea of the influence they are having over P. Ultimately, the stronger P desires to be associated with A, the more referent power A has over P.
8.2.2 Power and Interpersonal Conflict
Power is not only central to our ability to influence others—it is also a key factor in how interpersonal conflicts emerge, escalate, and are resolved. Every relationship involves a dynamic balance of power, whether that balance is equal or unequal. When one person attempts to assert influence and the other resists, a power struggle can occur, which often lies at the heart of many interpersonal conflicts.
In fact, many conflicts are not just about surface-level issues like chores, plans, or preferences, but about deeper questions of control, autonomy, and perceived fairness. Who gets to make the final decision? Whose needs or goals take priority? Who holds the legitimate right to assert influence? These are all questions rooted in the distribution and perception of power in a relationship.
The bases of power discussed earlier—especially coercive, reward, and legitimate power—can often exacerbate conflict if they are perceived as unfair or misused. For example, if one person uses coercive power to dominate a conversation or force a decision, the other may feel resentful, powerless, or disrespected. Conversely, power rooted in expertise, information, or referent influence can sometimes help de-escalate conflict, particularly when it is used to build trust, offer perspective, or reinforce mutual respect.
Understanding how power operates in interpersonal relationships allows us to better navigate conflict. Effective conflict management often involves recognizing imbalances of power, being mindful of how we use our own influence, and working toward communication strategies that empower all parties involved.
As we transition to discussing interpersonal conflict in more detail, keep in mind how power shapes not only what conflicts arise, but how they are handled—and whether they are resolved constructively or destructively.
8.3 Emotions and Feelings
While power dynamics shape who holds influence in interpersonal conflict, emotions and feelings often dictate how that conflict unfolds. Regardless of one’s position or power, human beings bring emotional responses into every interaction. These emotions can either escalate tensions or help de-escalate situations—depending on how they are recognized and managed. Understanding our emotional responses, and those of others, is key to resolving conflicts constructively.
Emotions and feelings play a significant role in shaping how interpersonal conflicts unfold and are managed. When individuals experience strong emotions, such as anger, frustration, or hurt, they may react impulsively, escalating the conflict or making it harder to find common ground. Additionally, emotions can cloud judgment, leading to misinterpretations of others' intentions and heightened defensiveness. On the other hand, being aware of and managing emotions can help individuals approach conflict with greater empathy, patience, and clarity, enabling more productive and respectful communication.
As we discuss the effects of our emotions and feelings on conflicts, it’s important to differentiate between emotions and feelings. Emotions are our reactions to stimuli in the outside environment. Emotions, therefore, can be objectively measured by blood flow, brain activity, and nonverbal reactions to things. Feelings, on the other hand, are the responses to thoughts and interpretations given to emotions based on experiences, memory, expectations, and personality. So, there is an inherent relationship between emotions and feelings, but we do differentiate between them. Table 8.1 breaks down the differences between the two concepts.
Table 8.1 The Differences of Emotions and Feelings
| © John W. Voris, CEO of Authentic Systems, www.authentic-systems.com Reprinted here with permission. |
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| Feelings: | Emotions: |
|---|---|
| Feelings tell us “how to live.” | Emotions tell us what we “like” and “dislike.” |
| Feelings state: “There is a right and wrong way to be.“ | Emotions state: “There are good and bad actions.” |
| Feelings state: “your emotions matter.” | Emotions state: “The external world matters.” |
| Feelings establish our long-term attitude toward reality. | Emotions establish our initial attitude toward reality. |
| Feelings alert us to anticipated dangers and prepares us for action. | Emotions alert us to immediate dangers and prepare us for action. |
| Feelings ensure long-term survival of self (body and mind). | Emotions ensure immediate survival of self (body and mind). |
| Feelings are Low-key but Sustainable. | Emotions are Intense but Temporary. |
| Happiness: is a feeling. | Joy: is an emotion. |
| Worry: is a feeling. | Fear: is an emotion. |
| Contentment: is a feeling. | Enthusiasm: is an emotion. |
| Bitterness: is a feeling. | Anger: is an emotion. |
| Love: is a feeling. | Lust: is an emotion. |
| Depression: is a feeling. | Sadness: is an emotion. |
It’s important to understand that we are all allowed to be emotional beings. Being emotional is an inherent part of being a human. For this reason, it’s important to avoid phrases like “don’t feel that way” or “they have no right to feel that way.” Again, our emotions are our emotions, and, when we negate someone else’s emotions, we are negating that person as an individual and taking away their right to emotional responses.
We all have the ability to alter our emotions. Altering our emotional states (in a proactive way) is how we get through life. Maybe you just broke up with someone, and listening to music helps you work through the grief you are experiencing to get to a better place. For others, they need to openly communicate about how they are feeling in an effort to process and work through emotions. The worst thing a person can do is attempt to deny that the emotion exists.
- Think of this like a balloon. With each breath of air you blow into the balloon, you are bottling up more and more emotions. Eventually, that balloon will get to a point where it cannot handle any more air in it before it explodes. Humans can be the same way with emotions when we bottle them up inside. The final breath of air in our emotional balloon doesn’t have to be big or intense. However, it can still cause tremendous emotional outpouring that is often very damaging to the person and their interpersonal relationships with others.
Research has demonstrated that how we handle our negative emotions during conflicts can affect the rate of de-escalations and mediation (Bloch, Haase, & Levenson, 2014).
8.3.1 Emotions and Conflict
Emotions are at the heart of most interpersonal conflicts. Whether a disagreement stems from unmet expectations, a perceived slight, or clashing values, emotions serve as both the fuel and the signal for conflict. They alert us that something important is at stake, and they influence how we choose to respond. However, while emotions may be automatic and instinctual (Levenson, 1994), how we handle them is a choice—and that choice directly impacts the course and outcome of the conflict.
Strong emotions such as anger, jealousy, fear, or resentment can intensify conflict when left unexamined or unmanaged. For example, anger may provoke shouting or passive-aggressive behavior, while fear may cause someone to withdraw or avoid the issue altogether. When emotions take control of our actions, we often lose the ability to listen, empathize, or reason through the problem—leading to miscommunication, blame, and escalation.
Conversely, recognizing and validating emotions—both our own and others’—can be a powerful tool for de-escalating tension and building understanding (Ekman, 2003). Emotional awareness enables us to take a pause, reflect on what we are feeling, and ask what unmet need lies underneath that emotion. For instance, frustration in a conflict might signal a need for autonomy, respect, or clarity. When we focus on articulating those needs instead of attacking the other person, we create space for collaboration instead of combat.
This connection between emotion and conflict is central to the idea of emotional intelligence (EQ). Emotional intelligence(EQ) is an individual’s appraisal and expression of their emotions and the emotions of others in a manner that enhances thought, living, and communicative interactions. Furthermore, we learned that EQ is built by four distinct emotional processes: perceiving, understanding, managing, and using emotions (Salovey & Mayer, 1990). Take a minute and complete Table 8.2, which is a simple 20-item questionnaire designed to help you evaluate your own EQ.
Table 8.2 Emotional Intelligence Questionnaire
Read the following questions and select the answer that corresponds with your perception. Do not be concerned if some of the items appear similar. Please use the scale below to rate the degree to which each statement applies to you.
| Strongly Disagree | Disagree | Neutral | Agree | Strongly Agree |
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
_____1. I am aware of my emotions as I experience them.
_____2. I easily recognize my emotions.
_____3. I can tell how others are feeling simply by watching their body movements.
_____4. I can tell how others are feeling by listening to their voices.
_____5. When I look at people’s faces, I generally know how they are feeling.
_____6. When my emotions change, I know why.
_____7. I understand that my emotional state is rarely comprised of one single emotion.
_____8. When I am experiencing an emotion, I have no problem easily labeling that emotion.
_____9. It’s completely possible to experience two opposite emotions at the same time (e.g., love & hate; awe & fear; joy & sadness, etc.).
_____10. I can generally tell when my emotional state is shifting from one emotion to another.
_____11. I don’t let my emotions get the best of me.
_____12. I have control over my own emotions.
_____13. I can analyze my emotions and determine if they are reasonable or not.
_____14. I can engage or detach from an emotion depending on whether I find it informative or useful.
_____15. When I’m feeling sad, I know how to seek out activities that will make me happy.
_____16. I can create situations that will cause others to experience specific emotions.
_____17. I can use my understanding of emotions to have more productive interactions with others.
_____18. I know how to make other people happy or sad.
_____19. I often lift people’s spirits when they are feeling down.
_____20. I know how to generate negative emotions and enhance pleasant ones in my interactions with others.
Scoring:
| Perceiving Emotions | Add scores for items 1, 2, 3, 4, & 5 | = | ||
| Understanding Emotions | Add scores for items 6, 7, 8, 9, & 10 | = | ||
| Managing Emotions | Add scores for items 11, 12, 13, 14, & 15 | = | ||
| Using Emotions | Add scores for items 16, 17, 18, 19, & 20 | = |
Interpreting Your Scores:
Each of the four parts of the EQ Model can have a range of 5 to 25. Scores under 11 represent low levels of EQ for each aspect. Scores between 12 and 18 represent average levels of EQ. Scores 19 and higher represent high levels of EQ.
Emotional intelligence plays a crucial role in effectively handling conflict, as it involves the ability to recognize, understand, and manage both your own emotions and those of others. Individuals with high emotional intelligence are better equipped to navigate the emotional landscape of conflict, allowing them to remain calm, empathetic, and thoughtful in tense situations. They can identify underlying emotions that fuel disagreements, such as frustration, fear, or hurt, and respond in ways that de-escalate tension rather than inflame it. Emotional intelligence also helps people communicate more clearly and compassionately, fostering open dialogue and mutual understanding. By managing emotions constructively, individuals are more likely to resolve conflicts in ways that strengthen relationships, build trust, and promote long-term collaboration. Ultimately, emotional intelligence allows people to approach conflict not as a threat, but as an opportunity for growth and deeper connection.
Ultimately, conflicts are less about removing emotions and more about managing them. Moreover, not all emotions in conflict are negative. Emotions such as concern, hope, or care can drive individuals to initiate difficult conversations in the interest of preserving or strengthening a relationship. In this way, emotions can serve as guides—not just warning signals, but also motivators to engage and repair. By developing emotional literacy—the ability to identify what we feel, why we feel it, and how it affects others—we can engage in more constructive, respectful, and honest communication.
8.3.2 Expressing Feelings in Conflict
Developing emotional intelligence lays the groundwork for more mindful and constructive communication during conflict—but recognizing our emotions is only the first step. The next challenge is how we express those emotions. Often, conflict escalates not because of what we feel, but how we communicate those feelings. When our emotions are filtered through blame, criticism, or defensiveness, the chances of resolution shrink. This brings us to the importance of expression—how we give voice to our feelings and unmet needs in ways that invite understanding rather than push others away.
According to Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of nonviolent communication, "You" statements often reflect moralistic judgments where we imply that the other person is wrong or bad based on their behavior (2003). These judgments shift blame and deny responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. It's important to remember that no one can make us feel a certain way—we choose our emotional responses. When we blame others for our feelings, we trigger defensiveness and escalate conflict, making it harder to get our needs met in the relationship.
Behind every negative emotion lies an unmet need. Blaming others doesn't resolve the core issue—it often intensifies disconnection. For example, someone might say, “If you go hang out with your friends tonight, I’ll hurt myself, and it will be your fault.” In this case, the speaker uses blame to manipulate their partner’s behavior rather than expressing vulnerability or needs. This kind of communication creates unhealthy dynamics where neither person’s needs are clearly acknowledged or met.
However, expressing emotions is just the first step. Effective communication also requires identifying the underlying need behind the feeling. These needs are not limited to basic survival needs from Maslow’s Hierarchy, but also include emotional and relational needs—such as autonomy, connection, or respect (adapted from Rosenberg, 2003). When these needs go unmet, we often act out emotionally in an attempt to be heard or understood.
A more constructive response might be: “I feel hurt when you yell at me because I need to feel respected.” This statement shares an emotion and connects it to a need—without judgment or blame.
Notice that this kind of language avoids labeling the other person as wrong. Instead, it focuses on one's own internal experience, inviting understanding rather than defensiveness.
Table 8.3 Underlying Human Needs
| Area | Need |
|---|---|
| Autonomy | to choose one’s dreams, goals, values |
| to choose one’s plan for fulfilling one’s dreams, goals, values | |
| Spiritual Communion | beauty, harmony |
| inspiration | |
| order, peace | |
| Physical Nurturance | air |
| food, water | |
| movement, exercise | |
| protection from life-threatening forms of life: viruses, bacteria, insects, predatory animals | |
| rest | |
| shelter | |
| Integrity | authenticity |
| creativity | |
| meaning, self-worth | |
| Interdependence | acceptance, understanding, empathy |
| appreciation, consideration | |
| closeness, love, community, warmth | |
| reassurance | |
| respect, trust, honesty | |
| Source: Adapted from Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life 2nd Ed by Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg, 2003–published by PuddleDancer Press and Used with Permission. For more information visit www.CNVC.org and www.NonviolentCommunication.com |
|
Next, let's discuss common communication strategies for managing conflict.
8.4 Conflict Management Strategies
Many researchers have attempted to understand how humans handle conflict with one another. You may see classifications of conflict based on whether participants are Integrative or distributive ; and how assertive and cooperative they are. All of these approaches are valid to understanding conflict. However, in this textbook we have chosen to simplify conflict management into 3 primary strategies known as the ABCs.
8.4.1 ABC’s of Conflict
So how do you typically approach a conflict situation? Go ahead and take a moment to complete the questionnaire in Table 8.4 to identify some of your own common patterns.
Table 8.4 ABC’s of Conflict Management
Instructions: Read the following questions and select the answer that corresponds with how you typically behave when engaged in conflict with another person. Do not be concerned if some of the items appear similar. Please use the scale below to rate the degree to which each statement applies to you.
| Strongly Disagree | Disagree | Neutral | Agree | Strongly Agree |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
When I start to engage in a conflict, I _______________
_____1. Keep the conflict to myself to avoid rocking the boat.
_____2. Do my best to win.
_____3. Try to find a solution that works for everyone.
_____4. Do my best to stay away from disagreements that arise.
_____5. Create a strategy to ensure my successful outcome.
_____6. Try to find a solution that is beneficial for those involved.
_____7. Avoid the individual with whom I’m having the conflict.
_____8. Won’t back down unless I get what I want.
_____9. Collaborate with others to find an outcome OK for everyone.
_____10. Leave the room to avoid dealing with the issue.
_____11. Take no prisoners.
_____12. Find solutions that satisfy everyone’s expectations.
_____13. Shut down and shut up in order to get it over with as quickly as possible.
_____14. See it as an opportunity to get what I want.
_____15. Try to integrate everyone’s ideas to come up with the best solution for everyone.
_____16. Keep my disagreements to myself.
_____17. Don’t let up until I win.
_____18. Openly raise everyone’s concerns to ensure the best outcome possible.
Scoring:
Avoiders
Add Items 1, 4, 7, 10, 13, 16______
Battlers
Add Items 2, 5, 8, 11, 14, 17______
Collaborators
Add Items 3, 6, 9, 12, 15, 18______
Interpretation: Scores for each subscale should range from 6 to 30. Scores under 14 are considered low, scores 15 to 23 are considered moderate, and scores over 24 are considered high.
Avoiders
Conflict avoidance is the practice of deliberately steering clear of addressing disagreements or confrontations in personal or professional relationships. People often avoid conflict because they fear negative outcomes, such as damaged relationships, emotional discomfort, or escalated tension. Some individuals may also avoid conflict due to a desire to maintain harmony, low self-confidence, or previous experiences where conflict led to undesirable consequences. While conflict avoidance can offer short-term benefits, like reducing immediate stress or preserving peace, it has significant drawbacks. On the positive side, avoiding conflict can sometimes prevent unnecessary arguments or allow time for emotions to cool down. However, consistently avoiding conflict often leads to unresolved issues, increased frustration, and weakened relationships over time. When people avoid addressing problems, underlying tensions may fester, leading to larger, more difficult conflicts in the future. Ultimately, while avoidance might seem easier in the moment, it can prevent open communication and inhibit healthy problem-solving.
Table 8.5 provides a list of common tactics used by avoiders in conflict (Sillars, Coletti, Parry, & Rogers, 1982).
Table 8.5 Avoidant Conflict Management Strategies
| Conflict Management Tactic | Definition | Example |
|---|---|---|
| Simple Denial | Statements that deny the conflict. | “No, I’m perfectly fine.” |
| Extended Denial | Statements that deny conflict with a short justification. | “No, I’m perfectly fine. I just had a long night.” |
| Underresponsiveness | Statements that deny the conflict and then pose a question to the conflict partner. | “I don’t know why you are upset, did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?” |
| Topic Shifting | Statements that shift the interaction away from the conflict. | “Sorry to hear that. Did you hear about the mall opening?” |
| Topic Avoidance | Statements designed to clearly stop the conflict. | “I don’t want to deal with this right now.” |
| Abstractness | Statements designed to shift a conflict from concrete factors to more abstract ones. | “Yes, I know I’m late. But what is time really except a construction of humans to force conformity.” |
| Semantic Focus | Statements focused on the denotative and connotative definitions of words. | “So, what do you mean by the word ‘sex’?” |
| Process Focus | Statements focused on the “appropriate” procedures for handling conflict. | “I refuse to talk to you when you are angry.” |
| Joking | Humorous statements designed to derail conflict. | “That’s about as useless as a football bat.” |
| Ambivalence | Statements designed to indicate a lack of caring. | “Whatever!” “Just do what you want.” |
| Pessimism | Statements that devalue the purpose of conflict. | “What’s the point of fighting over this? Neither of us are changing our minds.” |
| Evasion | Statements designed to shift the focus of the conflict. | “I hear the Joneses down the street have that problem, not us.” |
| Stalling | Statements designed to shift the conflict to another time. | “I don’t have time to talk about this right now.” |
| Irrelevant Remark | Statements that have nothing to do with the conflict. | “I never knew the wallpaper in here had flowers on it.” |
Battlers
"Battlers," also known as aggressive or competitive communicators, approach conflict with a win-at-all-costs mindset, viewing disagreements as a zero-sum game where one side emerges victorious while the other loses. Battlers engage in what is called distributive conflict, where their primary focus is on achieving their own goals, often without regard to the feelings or needs of others. This approach to conflict can be highly antagonistic and personalistic, as battlers tend to target the individual rather than just the issue at hand. While this style can sometimes lead to short-term wins or assertively defending one's position, it often causes significant relational damage, fostering resentment and hostility. The aggressive nature of battlers may lead to burned bridges and strained communication in the long run. On the positive side, battlers can be decisive, willing to take charge and tackle difficult situations head-on. However, the downside is that their lack of concern for collaboration or compromise can result in broken trust, weakened relationships, and an inability to resolve conflicts in a way that benefits both parties (Sillars et al., 1982).
Table 8.6 provides a list of common tactics used by battlers in conflict (Sillars et al., 1982).
Table 8.6 Battling Conflict Management Strategies
| Conflict Management Tactic | Definition | Example |
|---|---|---|
| Faulting | Statements that verbally criticize a partner. | “Wow, I can’t believe you are so dense at times.” |
| Rejection | Statements that express antagonistic disagreement. | “That is such a dumb idea.” |
| Hostile Questioning | Questions designed to fault a partner. | “Who died and made you king?” |
| Hostile Joking | Humorous statements designed to attack a partner. | “I do believe a village has lost its idiot.” |
| Presumptive Attribution | Statements designed to point the meaning or origin of the conflict to another source. | “You just think that because your father keeps telling you that.” |
| Avoiding Responsibility | Statements that deny fault. | “Not my fault, not my problem.” |
| Prescription | Statements that describe a specific change to another’s behavior. | “You know, if you’d just stop yelling, maybe people would take you seriously.” |
| Threat | Statements designed to inform a partner of a future punishment. | “You either tell your mother we’re not coming, or I’m getting a divorce attorney.” |
| Blame | Statements that lay culpability for a problem on a partner. | “It’s your fault we got ourselves in this mess in the first place.” |
| Shouting | Statements delivered in a manner with an increased volume. | “DAMMIT! GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER!” |
| Sarcasm | Statements involving the use of irony to convey contempt, mock, insult, or wound another person. | "The trouble with you is that you lack the power of conversation but not the power of speech." |
Collaborators
Collaborators approach conflict with a focus on finding mutually beneficial solutions, aiming for outcomes where both sides feel satisfied with the resolution. They engage in prosocial communication behaviors, emphasizing open dialogue, active listening, and problem-solving to ensure that all parties' needs are considered. Collaborators may either work toward a fully cooperative solution or, when necessary, compromise, understanding that each side may need to give up something to reach a fair and balanced outcome. While this approach is often ideal, it can be difficult to achieve, especially when one party is unwilling to collaborate or is more focused on "winning" the conflict. In such cases, collaborative strategies may not be effective because successful collaboration requires both parties to engage in good faith. Despite these challenges, collaboration is typically seen as a constructive approach to conflict, as it strengthens relationships, builds trust, and encourages long-term cooperation by valuing the perspectives and needs of everyone involved.
Table 8.7 provides a list of common tactics used by collaborators in conflict (Sillars et al., 1982).
Table 8.7 Collaborative Conflict Management Strategies
| Conflict Management Tactic | Definition | Example |
|---|---|---|
| Descriptive Acts | Statements that describe obvious events or factors. | “Last time your sister babysat our kids, she yelled at them.” |
| Qualification | Statements that explicitly explain the conflict. | “I am upset because you didn’t come home last night.” |
| Disclosure | Statements that disclose one’s thoughts and feelings in a non-judgmental way. | “I get really worried when you don’t call and let me know where you are.” |
| Soliciting Disclosure | Questions that ask another person to disclose their thoughts and feelings. | “How do you feel about what I just said?” |
| Negative Inquiry | Statements allowing for the other person to identify your negative behaviors. | “What is it that I do that makes you yell at me?” |
| Empathy | Statements that indicate you understand and relate to the other person’s emotions and experiences. | “I know this isn’t easy for you.” |
| Emphasize Commonalities | Statements that highlight shared goals, aims, and values. | “We both want what’s best for our son.” |
| Accepting Responsibility | Statements acknowledging the part you play within a conflict. | “You’re right. I sometimes let my anger get the best of me.” |
| Initiating Problem-Solving | Statements designed to help the conflict come to a mutually agreed upon solution. | “So let’s brainstorm some ways that will help us solve this.” |
| Concession | Statements designed to give in or yield to a partner’s goals, aims, or values. | “I promise, I will make sure my homework is complete before I watch television.” |
Before we conclude this section, we do want to point out that conflict management strategies are often reciprocated by others. If you start a conflict in a highly competitive way, do not be surprised when your conflicting partner mirrors you and starts using distributive conflict management strategies in return. The same is also true for integrative conflict management strategies. When you start using integrative conflict management strategies, you may be able to deescalate a problematic conflict by using integrative conflict management strategies.
8.5 Resolving Conflict Effectively
Cahn and Abigail created a very simple model that can help us to think through a heated conflict situation (2014). They called the model the STLC Conflict Model because it stands for stop, think, listen, and then communicate.
Step 1: Stop
The first thing an individual needs to do when interacting with another person during conflict is to take the time to be present within the conflict itself. Too often, people engaged in a conflict say whatever enters their mind before they’ve really had a chance to process the message and think of the best strategies to use to send that message. Others end up talking past one another during a conflict because they simply are not paying attention to each other and the competing needs within the conflict. Communication problems often occur during conflict because people tend to react to conflict situations when they arise instead of being mindful and present during the conflict itself. For this reason, it’s always important to take a breath during a conflict and first stop.
Sometimes these “time outs” need to be physical. Maybe you need to leave the room and go for a brief walk to calm down, or maybe you just need to get a glass of water. Whatever you need to do, it’s important to take this break. This break takes you out of a “reactive stance into a proactive one” (Cahn & Abigail, 2014).
Step 2: Think
Once you’ve stopped, you now have the ability to really think about what you are communicating. You want to think through the conflict itself. What is the conflict really about? Often people engage in conflicts about superficial items when there are truly much deeper issues that are being avoided. You also want to consider what possible causes led to the conflict and what possible courses of action you think are possible to conclude the conflict. Cahn and Abigail argue that there are four possible outcomes that can occur: do nothing, change yourself, change the other person, or change the situation.
- First, you can simply sit back and avoid the conflict. Maybe you’re engaging in a conflict about politics with a family member, and this conflict is actually just going to make everyone mad. For this reason, you opt just to stop the conflict and change topics to avoid making people upset. One of our coauthors was at a funeral when an uncle asked our coauthor about our coauthor’s impression of the current President. Our coauthor’s immediate response was, “Do you really want me to answer that question?” Our coauthor knew that everyone else in the room would completely disagree, so our coauthor knew this was probably a can of worms that just didn’t need to be opened.
- Second, we can change ourselves. Often, we are at fault and start conflicts. We may not even realize how our behavior caused the conflict until we take a step back and really analyze what is happening. When it comes to being at fault, it’s very important to admit that you’ve done wrong. Nothing is worse (and can stoke a conflict more) than when someone refuses to see their part in the conflict.
- Third, we can attempt to change the other person. Let’s face it, changing someone else is easier said than done. Just ask your parents/guardians! All of our parents/guardians have attempted to change our behaviors at one point or another, and changing people is very hard. Even with the powers of punishment and reward, a lot of time change only lasts as long as the punishment or the reward. One of our coauthors was in a constant battle with our coauthors’ parents about thumb sucking as a child. Our coauthor’s parents tried everything to get the thumb sucking to stop. They finally came up with an ingenious plan. They agreed to buy a toy electric saw if their child didn’t engage in thumb sucking for the entire month. Well, for a whole month, no thumb sucking occurred at all. The child got the toy saw, and immediately inserted the thumb back into our coauthor’s mouth. This short story is a great illustration of the problems that can be posed by rewards. Punishment works the same way. As long as people are being punished, they will behave in a specific way. If that punishment is ever taken away, so will the behavior.
- Lastly, we can just change the situation. Having a conflict with your roommates? Move out. Having a conflict with your boss? Find a new job. Having a conflict with a professor? Drop the course. Admittedly, changing the situation is not necessarily the first choice people should take when thinking about possibilities, but often it’s the best decision for long-term happiness. In essence, some conflicts will not be settled between people. When these conflicts arise, you can try and change yourself, hope the other person will change (they probably won’t, though), or just get out of it altogether.
Step 3: Listen
The third step in the STLC model is listen. Humans are not always the best listeners. As we discussed in Chapter 6, active listening is a skill that requires us to pay attention, reflect, and respond to a partner. Unfortunately, during a conflict situation, this is a skill that is desperately needed and often forgotten. When we feel defensive during a conflict, our listening becomes spotty at best because we start to focus on ourselves and protecting ourselves instead of trying to be empathic and seeing the conflict through the other person’s eyes.
One mistake some people make is to think they’re listening, but in reality, they’re listening for flaws in the other person’s argument (known as defensive listening). We often use this type of selective listening as a way to devalue the other person’s stance. In essence, we will hear one small flaw with what the other person is saying and then use that flaw to demonstrate that obviously everything else must be wrong as well.
The goal of listening must be to suspend your judgment and really attempt to be present enough to accurately interpret the message being sent by the other person. When we listen in this highly empathic way, we are often able to see things from the other person’s point-of-view, which could help us come to a better-negotiated outcome in the long run.
Step 4: Communicate
Lastly, but certainly not least, we communicate with the other person. Notice that Cahn and Abigail (2014) put communication as the last part of the STLC model because it’s the hardest one to do effectively during a conflict if the first three are not done correctly. When we communicate during a conflict, we must be hyper-aware of our nonverbal behavior (eye movement, gestures, posture, etc.). Nothing will kill a message faster than when it’s accompanied by bad nonverbal behavior. For example, rolling one’s eyes while another person is speaking is not an effective way to engage in conflict. One of our coauthors used to work with two women who clearly despised one another. They would never openly say something negative about the other person publicly, but in meetings, one would roll her eyes and make these non-word sounds of disagreement. The other one would just smile, slow her speech, and look in the other woman’s direction. Everyone around the conference table knew exactly what was transpiring, yet no words needed to be uttered at all.
During a conflict, it’s important to be assertive and stand up for your ideas without becoming verbally aggressive. Conversely, you have to be open to someone else’s use of assertiveness as well without having to tolerate verbal aggression. We often end up using mediators to help call people on the carpet when they communicate in a fashion that is verbally aggressive or does not further the conflict itself. As Cahn and Abigail (2014) note, “People who are assertive with one another have the greatest chance of achieving mutual satisfaction and growth in their relationship.”
Assertive Communication: Respecting Yourself and Others
Assertive communication is a key skill for expressing emotions, setting boundaries, and advocating for your needs in a healthy, respectful way. According to Beebe, Beebe, and Redmond (2020), assertive communication means being “able to pursue one’s own best interests without denying a person’s rights” (p. 173). Unlike aggressive communication (which violates others' boundaries) or passive communication (which ignores your own needs), assertive communication is rooted in mutual respect.
Practicing assertive communication helps you express your thoughts and feelings honestly while also considering the perspective and dignity of others. It's a valuable tool for maintaining relationships, resolving conflict, and navigating emotional situations effectively.
Here is a five-step model to guide assertive communication:
1. Describe the situation or behavior
Start by objectively stating what happened—without blame, judgment, or exaggeration. Focus on observable behavior, not assumptions or interpretations.
Example: “When you interrupted me during the meeting…”
2. Disclose your feelings
Share your genuine emotional response using “I” statements. This keeps the focus on your experience rather than accusing the other person.
“…I felt frustrated and dismissed…”
3. Identify the effects
Explain why the behavior or situation matters by highlighting the impact it had on you or others.
“…because I had prepared my part and was hoping to contribute to the discussion.”
4. Listen to the other person’s perspective
Assertiveness is not a one-way street. After expressing yourself, give the other person a chance to respond. Stay open and attentive, even if their perspective is different from your own.
“Can you help me understand what was going on from your end?”
5. Paraphrase to clarify understanding
Paraphrasing shows that you’re actively listening and trying to understand the other person. It also helps prevent miscommunication.
“So you were feeling rushed to finish and didn’t realize I hadn’t spoken yet—is that right?”
Assertive communication doesn’t guarantee you’ll get exactly what you want, but it does set the stage for healthy dialogue and problem-solving. By clearly stating your needs and being open to others, you foster trust and mutual respect in relationships. It’s a powerful way to advocate for yourself—without stepping on anyone else’s rights.
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Sillars, A. L., Coletti, S., Parry, D., & Rogers, M. (1982). Coding verbal conflict tactics: Nonverbal and perceptual correlates of the ‘avoidance-competitive-cooperative’ distinction. Human Communication Research, 9(1), 83-95. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1468-2958.1982.tb00685.x
Simons, H. W. (1972). Persuasion in social conflicts: A critique of prevailing conceptions and a framework for future research. Speech Monographs, 39(4), 227–247. https://doi.org/10.1080/03637757209375763
Wrench, J. S., McCroskey, J. C., & Richmond, V. P. (2008). Human communication in everyday life: Explanations and applications. Allyn & Bacon.
Yellowstone National Park Staff. (2015, February 15). Why do geysers erupt? Retrieved from: https://www.yellowstonepark.com/things-to-do/geysers-erupt
Figures.
Figure 8.1 : Krukau, Y. (2021). People having conflict while working. Pexels license. Retrieved from https://www.pexels.com/photo/people-having-conflict-while-working-7640830/.
Figure 8.2 French & Raven’s Five Bases of Power. Interpersonal Communication Copyright © by Jason S. Wrench; Narissra M. Punyanunt-Carter; and Katherine S. Thweatt.
Figure 8.3 Conflict Management Styles. Interpersonal Communication Copyright © by Jason S. Wrench; Narissra M. Punyanunt-Carter; and Katherine S. Thweatt.
Figure 8.4 Avoiders. Upset young Indian couple after conflict. Ketut Subiyanto. 2020. CC BY 4.0.
Figure 8.5 Battlers. Man and Woman wearing brown leather jackets. Vera Arsic. 2018. CC BY 4.0.
Figure 8.6 Collaborate. Photo of women talking while sitting. Fauxels. 2019. CC BY 4.0.
Figure 8.7 STLC Conflict Model. Interpersonal Communication Copyright © by Jason S. Wrench; Narissra M. Punyanunt-Carter; and Katherine S. Thweatt.
Figure 8.8 Hurley, C. M. (2025). The five steps of assertive communication.
Introduction
What do you do when you perceive a disagreement with someone close to you? Have you ever attempted to confront a family member about an important issue, only to have them shift the topic or joke it off? These situations can be incredibly frustrating—but they’re also quite common. In this chapter we'll discuss interpersonal conflict: a perceived or expressed disagreement between two or more interdependent parties. Conflict is a natural part of human interaction, as conflict can arise from differences in opinions, miscommunication, or perceived threats to one's identity or goals. While many people view conflict as negative, it is an essential aspect of communication. When handled well, conflict can strengthen relationships, foster mutual understanding, and promote creative problem-solving. We’ll begin by breaking down the definition of conflict, examining two perspectives on its role in relationships, and exploring its positive and negative functions. Later in the chapter, we’ll look at emotional dynamics in conflict and strategies for navigating disagreements constructively.
8.1 Understanding Conflict
The term conflict can be difficult to define precisely. Scholars have proposed many definitions over time, but generally speaking, conflict, is an interactive process occurring when conscious beings (individuals or groups) have opposing or incompatible actions, beliefs, goals, ideas, motives, needs, objectives, obligations resources and/or values. Let’s unpack that definition a bit:
-
Conflict is inherently communicative—it happens through interaction.
-
It involves at least two conscious, thinking parties—individuals or groups.
-
It arises from incompatibility, whether that’s over beliefs, goals, resources, or any number of other areas.
This definition spans a wide range of disagreements—from minor differences of opinion to intense, emotionally charged disputes. In the next section, we’ll break this down further and explore why understanding conflict matters in communication.
8.1.1 Defining Interpersonal Conflict
According to Cahn and Abigail (2014), interpersonal conflict requires four factors to be present:
- the conflict parties are interdependent,
- they have the perception that they seek incompatible goals or outcomes or they favor incompatible means to the same ends,
- the perceived incompatibility has the potential to adversely affect the relationship leaving emotional residues if not addressed, and
- there is a sense of urgency about the need to resolve the difference.
Let’s look at each of these parts of interpersonal conflict separately.
People are Interdependent
According to Cahn and Abigail, “interdependence occurs when those involved in a relationship characterize it as continuous and important, making it worth the effort to maintain” (2014). From this perspective, interpersonal conflict occurs when we are in some kind of relationship with another person. For example, it could be a relationship with a parent/guardian, a child, a coworker, a boss, a spouse, etc. In each of these interpersonal relationships, we generally see ourselves as having long-term relationships with these people that we want to succeed. For example, if you argue with a stranger on the subway, it may be a disagreement, but not an interpersonal conflict. Without interdependence, the stakes are lower and the connection less meaningful.
People Perceive Differing Goals/Outcomes of Means to the Same Ends
An incompatible goal occurs when two people want different things. For example, imagine you and your best friend are thinking about going to the movies. They want to see a big-budget superhero film, and you’re more in the mood for an independent artsy film. In this case, you have pretty incompatible goals (movie choices). You can also have incompatible means to reach the same end. Incompatible means, in this case, “occur when we want to achieve the same goal but differ in how we should do so” (Cahn & Abigail, 2014). For example, you and your best friend agree on going to the same movie, but not about at which theatre you should see the film.
Conflict Can Negatively Affect the Relationship if Not Addressed
Poorly managed conflict can damage relationships. Consider these examples of mismanagement:
- One person dominates while the other caves.
- Someone yells or uses insults.
- One partner manipulates through lies or half-truths.
- Both parties refuse to compromise.
- One partner avoids the issue altogether.
When conflicts are handled destructively, they can erode liking, trust, and emotional investment. Over time, this may lead to avoidance, resentment, or even the end of the relationship. Later in this chapter, we’ll examine aggressive and avoidant conflict behaviors in more detail.
There is a Sense of Urgency
Finally, interpersonal conflicts involve a pressing need for resolution. If left unresolved, conflicts can escalate or simmer beneath the surface.
Now, some people let conflicts stir and rise over many years that can eventually boil over, but these types of conflicts when they arise generally have some other kind of underlying conflict that is causing the sudden explosion. For example, imagine your spouse has a particularly quirky habit. For the most part, you ignore this habit and may even make a joke about the habit. Finally, one day you just explode and demand the habit must change. Now, it’s possible that you let this conflict build for so long that it finally explodes. It’s kind of like a geyser. According to Yellowstone National Park (2015), here’s how a geyser works:
The looping chambers trap steam from the hot water. Escaped bubbles from trapped steam heat the water column to the boiling point. When the pressure from the trapped steam builds enough, it blasts, releasing the pressure. As the entire water column boils out of the ground, more than half the volume is this steam. The eruption stops when the water cools below the boiling point.
In the same way, sometimes people let irritations or underlying conflict percolate inside of them until they reach a boiling point, which leads to the eventual release of pressure in the form of a sudden, out of nowhere conflict. In this case, even though the conflict has been building for some time, the eventual desire to make this conflict known to the other person does cause an immediate sense of urgency for the conflict to be solved.
8.1.2 Two Perspectives on Conflict
As with most areas of interpersonal communication, no single perspective exists in the field related to interpersonal conflict. There are generally two very different perspectives that one can take (see Simons, 1972). On the one hand, you had scholars who see conflict as a disruption in a normal working system, which should be avoided. On the other hand, some scholars view conflict as a normal part of human relationships. Let’s look at each of these in this section.
Conflict as Disruption
The first major perspective on conflict views it as inherently disruptive and potentially harmful to relationships and social harmony. This perspective, often aligned with collectivistic cultures, emphasizes the importance of group cohesion, maintaining relationships, and avoiding direct confrontation. According to McCroskey and Wheeless (1976), conflict in interpersonal relationships is seen as the breakdown of affinity—the erosion of mutual attraction, the perception of incompatibility, and the development of disrespect between individuals. From this viewpoint, conflict is not simply a disagreement over an issue but a deeper disruption of social bonds, often leading to negative emotions and damaged relationships. Collectivistic cultures, which prioritize harmony and interdependence, tend to view conflict as something to be avoided whenever possible, as it threatens the stability and well-being of the group.
From this perspective, conflict is often managed through indirect communication, compromise, or avoidance, with an emphasis on preserving relationships over winning the argument. When conflict escalates and is allowed to fester, it is compared to a wound that worsens without care. While disagreements can be addressed and resolved in a way that allows both parties to save face, conflicts are seen as far more damaging and may require significant effort to manage without causing lasting harm to the relationship.
Conflict as Normal
The second perspective of the concept of conflict is very different from the first one. According to this perspective, conflict is a normal and an inevitable part of life, essential for the growth of relationships (Cahn & Abigail, 2014). From this viewpoint, conflict is a natural aspect of human interaction, where individuals with different perspectives and needs come together to negotiate, collaborate, and find solutions. In fact, one could ask whether it is possible for relationships to grow without conflict. Successfully managing and resolving conflicts can make relationships healthier, fostering mutual understanding and trust.
In this approach, conflict is seen as neither inherently good nor bad, but rather a tool that can be used for constructive or destructive purposes, depending on how it is handled. When managed well, conflict can offer numerous benefits to individuals and relationships. It helps people find common ground, develop better conflict management skills for the future, and gain a deeper understanding of one another. Conflict often leads to creative solutions to problems, providing opportunities for open and honest discussions that build trust. Moreover, navigating conflict encourages personal growth, improves communication skills, and enhances emotional intelligence. It also allows individuals to set healthy boundaries, assert their needs, and practice effective communication strategies.
When viewed from this perspective, conflict is an invaluable resource in relationships, offering opportunities for learning, development, and connection. However, for conflict to be truly beneficial, both parties must engage in prosocial conflict management strategies—working together to ensure the conflict leads to positive outcomes for all involved.
8.2 Power and Influence
One of the primary reasons we engage in a variety of interpersonal relationships over our lifetimes is to influence others. Whether we realize it or not, we live in a world where we’re constantly trying to accomplish goals—big or small—and getting others on board with those goals is often essential. Influence is a key part of social survival. We define influence when an individual or group of people alters another person’s thinking, feelings, and/or behaviors through accidental, expressive, or rhetorical communication (Wrench, McCrosky, & Richmond, 2008). Notice this definition of influence is one that focuses on the importance of communication within the interaction. Within this definition, we discuss three specific types of communication: unintentional, expressive, or rhetorical.
First, we have unintentional communication, or when we send messages to another person without realizing those messages are being sent. Imagine you are walking on campus and notice a table set up for a specific charity. A person who you really respect is hanging out at the table laughing and smiling, so you decide to donate a dollar to the charity. The person who was just hanging out at the table influenced your decision to donate. They could have just been talking to another friend and may not have even really been a supporter of the charity, but their presence was enough to influence your donation. At the same time, we often influence others to think, feel, and behave in ways they wouldn’t have unconsciously. A smile, a frown, a head nod, or eye eversion can all be nonverbal indicators to other people, which could influence them.
The second type of communication we can have is expressive or emotionally-based communication. Our emotional states can often influence other people. If we are happy, others can become happy, and if we are sad, others may avoid us altogether. Maybe you’ve walked into a room and seen someone crying, so you ask, “Are you OK?” Instead of responding, the person just turns and glowers at you, so you turn around and leave. With just one look, this person influenced your behavior.
The final type of communication, rhetorical communication, involves purposefully creating and sending messages to another person in the hopes of altering another person’s thinking, feelings, and/or behaviors. Unintentional communication is not planned. Expressive communication is often not conscious at all. However, rhetorical communication is purposeful. When we are using rhetorical communication to influence another person(s), we know that we are trying to influence that person(s).
8.2.1 French & Raven’s Five Bases of Power
When we hear the word power, many of us think of superheroes, political leaders, or people in positions of authority. But in the social sciences, power has a specific definition.Power is the degree that a social agent (A) has the ability to get another person(s) (P) to alter their thoughts, feelings, and/or behaviors. Unlike influence in general, which can happen unintentionally, power always involves rhetorical communication—it’s deliberate and goal-driven. Power is about intentionally trying to change someone’s mindset or behavior.
French and Raven (1959) identified five bases of power:
- Informational: Informational power refers to a social agent’s ability to bring about a change in thought, feeling, and/or behavior through information. For example, since you initially started school, teachers have had informational power over you. They have provided you with a range of information on history, science, grammar, art, etc. that shape how you think (what constitutes history?), feel (what does it mean to be aesthetically pleasing?), and behave (how do you properly mix chemicals in a lab?). In some ways, informational power is very strong, because it’s often the first form of power with which we come into contact. In fact, when you are taught how to think, feel, and/or behave, this change “now continues without the target necessarily referring to, or even remembering, the [influencer] as being the agent of change” (Raven, 2008).
- Coercive and Reward: Coercive power, is the ability to punish an individual who does not comply with one’s influencing attempts. On the other end of the spectrum, we have reward power (3rd base of power), which is the ability to offer an individual rewards for complying with one’s influencing attempts. We talk about these two bases of power together because they are two sides of the same coin. Furthermore, the same problems with this type of power apply equally to both. Influence can happen if you punish or reward someone; however, as soon as you take away that punishment or reward, the thoughts, feelings, and/or behavior will reverse back to its initial state. Hence, we refer to both coercive and reward power as attempts to get someone to comply with influence, because this is the highest level of influence one can hope to achieve with these two forms of power.
- Legitimate: Legitimate power, is influence that occurs because a person (P) believes that the social agent (A) has a valid right to influence P, and P has an obligation to accept A’s attempt to influence P’s thoughts, feelings, and/or behaviors. French and Raven argued that there were two common forms of legitimate power: cultural and structural. Cultural legitimate power occurs when a change agent is viewed as having the right to influence others because of their role in the culture. For example, in some cultures, the elderly may have a stronger right to influence than younger members of that culture. Structural legitimate power, on the other hand, occurs because someone fulfills a specific position within the social hierarchy. For example, your boss may have the legitimate right to influence your thoughts, feelings, and/or behaviors in the workplace because they are above you in the organizational hierarchy (French & Raven, 1959).
- Expert: Expert power, is the power we give an individual to influence us because of their perceived knowledge. For example, we often give our physicians the ability to influence our behavior (e.g., eat right, exercise, take medication, etc.) because we view these individuals as having specialized knowledge. However, this type of influence only is effective if P believes A is an expert, P trusts A, and P believes that A is telling the truth. One problem we often face in the 21st Century involves the conceptualization of the word “expert.” Many people in today’s world can be perceived as “experts” just because they write a book, have a talk show, were on a reality TV show, or are seen on news programs (Bauerlein, 2008). Many of these so-called “experts” may have no reasonable skill or knowledge but they can be trumpeted as experts. One of the problems with the Internet is the fundamental flaw that anyone can put information online with only an opinion and no actual facts. Additionally, we often engage in debates about “facts” because we have different talking heads telling us different information. Historically, expert power was always a very strong form of power, but there is growing concern that we are losing expertise and knowledge to unsubstantiated opinions and rumor mongering.
- Referent: Referent power, is a social agent’s ability to influence another person because P wants to be associated with A. Ultimately, referent power is about relationship building and the desire for a relationship. If A is a person P finds attractive, then P will do whatever they need to do to become associated with A. If A belongs to a group, then P will want to join that group. Ultimately, this relationship exists because P wants to think, feel, and behave as A does. For example, if A decides that he likes modern art, then P will also decide to like modern art. If A has a very strong work ethic in the workplace, then P will adopt a strong work ethic in the workplace as well. Often A has no idea of the influence they are having over P. Ultimately, the stronger P desires to be associated with A, the more referent power A has over P.
8.2.2 Power and Interpersonal Conflict
Power is not only central to our ability to influence others—it is also a key factor in how interpersonal conflicts emerge, escalate, and are resolved. Every relationship involves a dynamic balance of power, whether that balance is equal or unequal. When one person attempts to assert influence and the other resists, a power struggle can occur, which often lies at the heart of many interpersonal conflicts.
In fact, many conflicts are not just about surface-level issues like chores, plans, or preferences, but about deeper questions of control, autonomy, and perceived fairness. Who gets to make the final decision? Whose needs or goals take priority? Who holds the legitimate right to assert influence? These are all questions rooted in the distribution and perception of power in a relationship.
The bases of power discussed earlier—especially coercive, reward, and legitimate power—can often exacerbate conflict if they are perceived as unfair or misused. For example, if one person uses coercive power to dominate a conversation or force a decision, the other may feel resentful, powerless, or disrespected. Conversely, power rooted in expertise, information, or referent influence can sometimes help de-escalate conflict, particularly when it is used to build trust, offer perspective, or reinforce mutual respect.
Understanding how power operates in interpersonal relationships allows us to better navigate conflict. Effective conflict management often involves recognizing imbalances of power, being mindful of how we use our own influence, and working toward communication strategies that empower all parties involved.
As we transition to discussing interpersonal conflict in more detail, keep in mind how power shapes not only what conflicts arise, but how they are handled—and whether they are resolved constructively or destructively.
8.3 Emotions and Feelings
While power dynamics shape who holds influence in interpersonal conflict, emotions and feelings often dictate how that conflict unfolds. Regardless of one’s position or power, human beings bring emotional responses into every interaction. These emotions can either escalate tensions or help de-escalate situations—depending on how they are recognized and managed. Understanding our emotional responses, and those of others, is key to resolving conflicts constructively.
Emotions and feelings play a significant role in shaping how interpersonal conflicts unfold and are managed. When individuals experience strong emotions, such as anger, frustration, or hurt, they may react impulsively, escalating the conflict or making it harder to find common ground. Additionally, emotions can cloud judgment, leading to misinterpretations of others' intentions and heightened defensiveness. On the other hand, being aware of and managing emotions can help individuals approach conflict with greater empathy, patience, and clarity, enabling more productive and respectful communication.
As we discuss the effects of our emotions and feelings on conflicts, it’s important to differentiate between emotions and feelings. Emotions are our reactions to stimuli in the outside environment. Emotions, therefore, can be objectively measured by blood flow, brain activity, and nonverbal reactions to things. Feelings, on the other hand, are the responses to thoughts and interpretations given to emotions based on experiences, memory, expectations, and personality. So, there is an inherent relationship between emotions and feelings, but we do differentiate between them. Table 8.1 breaks down the differences between the two concepts.
Table 8.1 The Differences of Emotions and Feelings
| © John W. Voris, CEO of Authentic Systems, www.authentic-systems.com Reprinted here with permission. |
|
| Feelings: | Emotions: |
|---|---|
| Feelings tell us “how to live.” | Emotions tell us what we “like” and “dislike.” |
| Feelings state: “There is a right and wrong way to be.“ | Emotions state: “There are good and bad actions.” |
| Feelings state: “your emotions matter.” | Emotions state: “The external world matters.” |
| Feelings establish our long-term attitude toward reality. | Emotions establish our initial attitude toward reality. |
| Feelings alert us to anticipated dangers and prepares us for action. | Emotions alert us to immediate dangers and prepare us for action. |
| Feelings ensure long-term survival of self (body and mind). | Emotions ensure immediate survival of self (body and mind). |
| Feelings are Low-key but Sustainable. | Emotions are Intense but Temporary. |
| Happiness: is a feeling. | Joy: is an emotion. |
| Worry: is a feeling. | Fear: is an emotion. |
| Contentment: is a feeling. | Enthusiasm: is an emotion. |
| Bitterness: is a feeling. | Anger: is an emotion. |
| Love: is a feeling. | Lust: is an emotion. |
| Depression: is a feeling. | Sadness: is an emotion. |
It’s important to understand that we are all allowed to be emotional beings. Being emotional is an inherent part of being a human. For this reason, it’s important to avoid phrases like “don’t feel that way” or “they have no right to feel that way.” Again, our emotions are our emotions, and, when we negate someone else’s emotions, we are negating that person as an individual and taking away their right to emotional responses.
We all have the ability to alter our emotions. Altering our emotional states (in a proactive way) is how we get through life. Maybe you just broke up with someone, and listening to music helps you work through the grief you are experiencing to get to a better place. For others, they need to openly communicate about how they are feeling in an effort to process and work through emotions. The worst thing a person can do is attempt to deny that the emotion exists.
- Think of this like a balloon. With each breath of air you blow into the balloon, you are bottling up more and more emotions. Eventually, that balloon will get to a point where it cannot handle any more air in it before it explodes. Humans can be the same way with emotions when we bottle them up inside. The final breath of air in our emotional balloon doesn’t have to be big or intense. However, it can still cause tremendous emotional outpouring that is often very damaging to the person and their interpersonal relationships with others.
Research has demonstrated that how we handle our negative emotions during conflicts can affect the rate of de-escalations and mediation (Bloch, Haase, & Levenson, 2014).
8.3.1 Emotions and Conflict
8.3.2Expressing Feelings: The Problem of You Statements
According to Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of nonviolent communication, "You" statements often reflect moralistic judgments where we imply that the other person is wrong or bad based on their behavior (2003). When we make such judgments, we deny responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. It's important to remember that no one can "make" us feel a certain way—we choose our emotional responses. When we shift blame onto others and fail to take responsibility for our emotions, we create a cycle of defensiveness, making it harder to meet our needs in the relationship. Behind every negative emotion lies an unmet need, and blaming others only perpetuates the problem. For example, someone might say, "If you go hang out with your friends tonight, I'll hurt myself and it will be your fault." In this case, the individual is expressing disapproval and using blame to manipulate their partner's actions, which can lead to unhealthy dynamics where neither person's needs are truly met.
Expressing emotions, however, is only part of the process. It's also important to clearly identify the underlying need. When we talk about "needs," we are not just referring to basic physical needs, as described in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Instead, relational needs are often less tangible but equally important, such as the need for autonomy and connection, as outlined in the Table below (adapted from Rosenberg, 2003). When these needs go unmet, we naturally reach out to get them fulfilled. Effective communication about emotions involves not only expressing feelings but also identifying the unmet need behind them. For example, instead of blaming or accusing, one could say, "I feel hurt when you yell at me because I need to feel respected."
Notice that there isn’t judgment associated with identifying one’s needs.
| Area | Need |
|---|---|
| Autonomy | to choose one’s dreams, goals, values |
| to choose one’s plan for fulfilling one’s dreams, goals, values | |
| Spiritual Communion | beauty, harmony |
| inspiration | |
| order, peace | |
| Physical Nurturance | air |
| food, water | |
| movement, exercise | |
| protection from life-threatening forms of life: viruses, bacteria, insects, predatory animals | |
| rest | |
| shelter | |
| Integrity | authenticity |
| creativity | |
| meaning, self-worth | |
| Interdependence | acceptance, understanding, empathy |
| appreciation, consideration | |
| closeness, love, community, warmth | |
| reassurance | |
| respect, trust, honesty | |
| Source: Adapted from Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life 2nd Ed by Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg, 2003–published by PuddleDancer Press and Used with Permission. For more information visit www.CNVC.org and www.NonviolentCommunication.com |
|
Table 8.2 Needs
8.3.3Recognizing Others' Emotions
Emotional intelligence(EQ) is an individual’s appraisal and expression of their emotions and the emotions of others in a manner that enhances thought, living, and communicative interactions. Furthermore, we learned that EQ is built by four distinct emotional processes: perceiving, understanding, managing, and using emotions (Salovey & Mayer, 1990). Take a minute and complete Table 8.3, which is a simple 20-item questionnaire designed to help you evaluate your own EQ.
Read the following questions and select the answer that corresponds with your perception. Do not be concerned if some of the items appear similar. Please use the scale below to rate the degree to which each statement applies to you.
| Strongly Disagree | Disagree | Neutral | Agree | Strongly Agree |
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
_____1. I am aware of my emotions as I experience them.
_____2. I easily recognize my emotions.
_____3. I can tell how others are feeling simply by watching their body movements.
_____4. I can tell how others are feeling by listening to their voices.
_____5. When I look at people’s faces, I generally know how they are feeling.
_____6. When my emotions change, I know why.
_____7. I understand that my emotional state is rarely comprised of one single emotion.
_____8. When I am experiencing an emotion, I have no problem easily labeling that emotion.
_____9. It’s completely possible to experience two opposite emotions at the same time (e.g., love & hate; awe & fear; joy & sadness, etc.).
_____10. I can generally tell when my emotional state is shifting from one emotion to another.
_____11. I don’t let my emotions get the best of me.
_____12. I have control over my own emotions.
_____13. I can analyze my emotions and determine if they are reasonable or not.
_____14. I can engage or detach from an emotion depending on whether I find it informative or useful.
_____15. When I’m feeling sad, I know how to seek out activities that will make me happy.
_____16. I can create situations that will cause others to experience specific emotions.
_____17. I can use my understanding of emotions to have more productive interactions with others.
_____18. I know how to make other people happy or sad.
_____19. I often lift people’s spirits when they are feeling down.
_____20. I know how to generate negative emotions and enhance pleasant ones in my interactions with others.
Scoring:
| Perceiving Emotions | Add scores for items 1, 2, 3, 4, & 5 | = | ||
| Understanding Emotions | Add scores for items 6, 7, 8, 9, & 10 | = | ||
| Managing Emotions | Add scores for items 11, 12, 13, 14, & 15 | = | ||
| Using Emotions | Add scores for items 16, 17, 18, 19, & 20 | = |
Interpreting Your Scores:
Each of the four parts of the EQ Model can have a range of 5 to 25. Scores under 11 represent low levels of EQ for each aspect. Scores between 12 and 18 represent average levels of EQ. Scores 19 and higher represent high levels of EQ.
Table 8.3 Emotional Intelligence Questionnaire
Emotional intelligence plays a crucial role in effectively handling conflict, as it involves the ability to recognize, understand, and manage both your own emotions and those of others. Individuals with high emotional intelligence are better equipped to navigate the emotional landscape of conflict, allowing them to remain calm, empathetic, and thoughtful in tense situations. They can identify underlying emotions that fuel disagreements, such as frustration, fear, or hurt, and respond in ways that de-escalate tension rather than inflame it. Emotional intelligence also helps people communicate more clearly and compassionately, fostering open dialogue and mutual understanding. By managing emotions constructively, individuals are more likely to resolve conflicts in ways that strengthen relationships, build trust, and promote long-term collaboration. Ultimately, emotional intelligence allows people to approach conflict not as a threat, but as an opportunity for growth and deeper connection.
Next, let's discuss common communication strategies for managing conflict.
8.4 Conflict Management Strategies
Many researchers have attempted to understand how humans handle conflict with one another. You may see classifications of conflict based on whether participants are Integrative or distributive ; and how assertive and cooperative they are. All of these approaches are valid to understanding conflict. However, in this textbook we have chosen to simplify conflict management into 3 primary strategies known as the ABCs.
8.4.1 ABC’s of Conflict
So how do you typically approach a conflict situation? Go ahead and take a moment to complete the questionnaire in Table 8.4 to identify some of your own common patterns.
Instructions: Read the following questions and select the answer that corresponds with how you typically behave when engaged in conflict with another person. Do not be concerned if some of the items appear similar. Please use the scale below to rate the degree to which each statement applies to you.
| Strongly Disagree | Disagree | Neutral | Agree | Strongly Agree |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
When I start to engage in a conflict, I _______________
_____1. Keep the conflict to myself to avoid rocking the boat.
_____2. Do my best to win.
_____3. Try to find a solution that works for everyone.
_____4. Do my best to stay away from disagreements that arise.
_____5. Create a strategy to ensure my successful outcome.
_____6. Try to find a solution that is beneficial for those involved.
_____7. Avoid the individual with whom I’m having the conflict.
_____8. Won’t back down unless I get what I want.
_____9. Collaborate with others to find an outcome OK for everyone.
_____10. Leave the room to avoid dealing with the issue.
_____11. Take no prisoners.
_____12. Find solutions that satisfy everyone’s expectations.
_____13. Shut down and shut up in order to get it over with as quickly as possible.
_____14. See it as an opportunity to get what I want.
_____15. Try to integrate everyone’s ideas to come up with the best solution for everyone.
_____16. Keep my disagreements to myself.
_____17. Don’t let up until I win.
_____18. Openly raise everyone’s concerns to ensure the best outcome possible.
Scoring:
Avoiders
Add Items 1, 4, 7, 10, 13, 16______
Battlers
Add Items 2, 5, 8, 11, 14, 17______
Collaborators
Add Items 3, 6, 9, 12, 15, 18______
Interpretation: Scores for each subscale should range from 6 to 30. Scores under 14 are considered low, scores 15 to 23 are considered moderate, and scores over 24 are considered high.
Table 8.4 ABC’s of Conflict Management
Avoiders
Conflict avoidance is the practice of deliberately steering clear of addressing disagreements or confrontations in personal or professional relationships. People often avoid conflict because they fear negative outcomes, such as damaged relationships, emotional discomfort, or escalated tension. Some individuals may also avoid conflict due to a desire to maintain harmony, low self-confidence, or previous experiences where conflict led to undesirable consequences. While conflict avoidance can offer short-term benefits, like reducing immediate stress or preserving peace, it has significant drawbacks. On the positive side, avoiding conflict can sometimes prevent unnecessary arguments or allow time for emotions to cool down. However, consistently avoiding conflict often leads to unresolved issues, increased frustration, and weakened relationships over time. When people avoid addressing problems, underlying tensions may fester, leading to larger, more difficult conflicts in the future. Ultimately, while avoidance might seem easier in the moment, it can prevent open communication and inhibit healthy problem-solving.
Table 8.4 provides a list of common tactics used by avoiders in conflict (Sillars, Coletti, Parry, & Rogers, 1982).
| Conflict Management Tactic | Definition | Example |
|---|---|---|
| Simple Denial | Statements that deny the conflict. | “No, I’m perfectly fine.” |
| Extended Denial | Statements that deny conflict with a short justification. | “No, I’m perfectly fine. I just had a long night.” |
| Underresponsiveness | Statements that deny the conflict and then pose a question to the conflict partner. | “I don’t know why you are upset, did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?” |
| Topic Shifting | Statements that shift the interaction away from the conflict. | “Sorry to hear that. Did you hear about the mall opening?” |
| Topic Avoidance | Statements designed to clearly stop the conflict. | “I don’t want to deal with this right now.” |
| Abstractness | Statements designed to shift a conflict from concrete factors to more abstract ones. | “Yes, I know I’m late. But what is time really except a construction of humans to force conformity.” |
| Semantic Focus | Statements focused on the denotative and connotative definitions of words. | “So, what do you mean by the word ‘sex’?” |
| Process Focus | Statements focused on the “appropriate” procedures for handling conflict. | “I refuse to talk to you when you are angry.” |
| Joking | Humorous statements designed to derail conflict. | “That’s about as useless as a football bat.” |
| Ambivalence | Statements designed to indicate a lack of caring. | “Whatever!” “Just do what you want.” |
| Pessimism | Statements that devalue the purpose of conflict. | “What’s the point of fighting over this? Neither of us are changing our minds.” |
| Evasion | Statements designed to shift the focus of the conflict. | “I hear the Joneses down the street have that problem, not us.” |
| Stalling | Statements designed to shift the conflict to another time. | “I don’t have time to talk about this right now.” |
| Irrelevant Remark | Statements that have nothing to do with the conflict. | “I never knew the wallpaper in here had flowers on it.” |
Table 8.4 Avoidant Conflict Management Strategies
Battlers
"Battlers," also known as aggressive or competitive communicators, approach conflict with a win-at-all-costs mindset, viewing disagreements as a zero-sum game where one side emerges victorious while the other loses. Battlers engage in what is called distributive conflict, where their primary focus is on achieving their own goals, often without regard to the feelings or needs of others. This approach to conflict can be highly antagonistic and personalistic, as battlers tend to target the individual rather than just the issue at hand. While this style can sometimes lead to short-term wins or assertively defending one's position, it often causes significant relational damage, fostering resentment and hostility. The aggressive nature of battlers may lead to burned bridges and strained communication in the long run. On the positive side, battlers can be decisive, willing to take charge and tackle difficult situations head-on. However, the downside is that their lack of concern for collaboration or compromise can result in broken trust, weakened relationships, and an inability to resolve conflicts in a way that benefits both parties (Sillars et al., 1982).
Table 8.5 provides a list of common tactics used by battlers in conflict (Sillars et al., 1982).
| Conflict Management Tactic | Definition | Example |
|---|---|---|
| Faulting | Statements that verbally criticize a partner. | “Wow, I can’t believe you are so dense at times.” |
| Rejection | Statements that express antagonistic disagreement. | “That is such a dumb idea.” |
| Hostile Questioning | Questions designed to fault a partner. | “Who died and made you king?” |
| Hostile Joking | Humorous statements designed to attack a partner. | “I do believe a village has lost its idiot.” |
| Presumptive Attribution | Statements designed to point the meaning or origin of the conflict to another source. | “You just think that because your father keeps telling you that.” |
| Avoiding Responsibility | Statements that deny fault. | “Not my fault, not my problem.” |
| Prescription | Statements that describe a specific change to another’s behavior. | “You know, if you’d just stop yelling, maybe people would take you seriously.” |
| Threat | Statements designed to inform a partner of a future punishment. | “You either tell your mother we’re not coming, or I’m getting a divorce attorney.” |
| Blame | Statements that lay culpability for a problem on a partner. | “It’s your fault we got ourselves in this mess in the first place.” |
| Shouting | Statements delivered in a manner with an increased volume. | “DAMMIT! GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER!” |
| Sarcasm | Statements involving the use of irony to convey contempt, mock, insult, or wound another person. | "The trouble with you is that you lack the power of conversation but not the power of speech." |
Table 8.5 Battling Conflict Management Strategies
Collaborators
Collaborators approach conflict with a focus on finding mutually beneficial solutions, aiming for outcomes where both sides feel satisfied with the resolution. They engage in prosocial communication behaviors, emphasizing open dialogue, active listening, and problem-solving to ensure that all parties' needs are considered. Collaborators may either work toward a fully cooperative solution or, when necessary, compromise, understanding that each side may need to give up something to reach a fair and balanced outcome. While this approach is often ideal, it can be difficult to achieve, especially when one party is unwilling to collaborate or is more focused on "winning" the conflict. In such cases, collaborative strategies may not be effective because successful collaboration requires both parties to engage in good faith. Despite these challenges, collaboration is typically seen as a constructive approach to conflict, as it strengthens relationships, builds trust, and encourages long-term cooperation by valuing the perspectives and needs of everyone involved.
Table 8.6 provides a list of common tactics used by collaborators in conflict (Sillars et al., 1982).
| Conflict Management Tactic | Definition | Example |
|---|---|---|
| Descriptive Acts | Statements that describe obvious events or factors. | “Last time your sister babysat our kids, she yelled at them.” |
| Qualification | Statements that explicitly explain the conflict. | “I am upset because you didn’t come home last night.” |
| Disclosure | Statements that disclose one’s thoughts and feelings in a non-judgmental way. | “I get really worried when you don’t call and let me know where you are.” |
| Soliciting Disclosure | Questions that ask another person to disclose their thoughts and feelings. | “How do you feel about what I just said?” |
| Negative Inquiry | Statements allowing for the other person to identify your negative behaviors. | “What is it that I do that makes you yell at me?” |
| Empathy | Statements that indicate you understand and relate to the other person’s emotions and experiences. | “I know this isn’t easy for you.” |
| Emphasize Commonalities | Statements that highlight shared goals, aims, and values. | “We both want what’s best for our son.” |
| Accepting Responsibility | Statements acknowledging the part you play within a conflict. | “You’re right. I sometimes let my anger get the best of me.” |
| Initiating Problem-Solving | Statements designed to help the conflict come to a mutually agreed upon solution. | “So let’s brainstorm some ways that will help us solve this.” |
| Concession | Statements designed to give in or yield to a partner’s goals, aims, or values. | “I promise, I will make sure my homework is complete before I watch television.” |
Table 8.6 Collaborative Conflict Management Strategies
Before we conclude this section, we do want to point out that conflict management strategies are often reciprocated by others. If you start a conflict in a highly competitive way, do not be surprised when your conflicting partner mirrors you and starts using distributive conflict management strategies in return. The same is also true for integrative conflict management strategies. When you start using integrative conflict management strategies, you may be able to deescalate a problematic conflict by using integrative conflict management strategies.
8.5 Resolving Conflict Effectively
Cahn and Abigail created a very simple model that can help us to think through a heated conflict situation (2014). They called the model the STLC Conflict Model because it stands for stop, think, listen, and then communicate.
Step 1: Stop
The first thing an individual needs to do when interacting with another person during conflict is to take the time to be present within the conflict itself. Too often, people engaged in a conflict say whatever enters their mind before they’ve really had a chance to process the message and think of the best strategies to use to send that message. Others end up talking past one another during a conflict because they simply are not paying attention to each other and the competing needs within the conflict. Communication problems often occur during conflict because people tend to react to conflict situations when they arise instead of being mindful and present during the conflict itself. For this reason, it’s always important to take a breath during a conflict and first stop.
Sometimes these “time outs” need to be physical. Maybe you need to leave the room and go for a brief walk to calm down, or maybe you just need to get a glass of water. Whatever you need to do, it’s important to take this break. This break takes you out of a “reactive stance into a proactive one” (Cahn & Abigail, 2014).
Step 2: Think
Once you’ve stopped, you now have the ability to really think about what you are communicating. You want to think through the conflict itself. What is the conflict really about? Often people engage in conflicts about superficial items when there are truly much deeper issues that are being avoided. You also want to consider what possible causes led to the conflict and what possible courses of action you think are possible to conclude the conflict. Cahn and Abigail argue that there are four possible outcomes that can occur: do nothing, change yourself, change the other person, or change the situation.
- First, you can simply sit back and avoid the conflict. Maybe you’re engaging in a conflict about politics with a family member, and this conflict is actually just going to make everyone mad. For this reason, you opt just to stop the conflict and change topics to avoid making people upset. One of our coauthors was at a funeral when an uncle asked our coauthor about our coauthor’s impression of the current President. Our coauthor’s immediate response was, “Do you really want me to answer that question?” Our coauthor knew that everyone else in the room would completely disagree, so our coauthor knew this was probably a can of worms that just didn’t need to be opened.
- Second, we can change ourselves. Often, we are at fault and start conflicts. We may not even realize how our behavior caused the conflict until we take a step back and really analyze what is happening. When it comes to being at fault, it’s very important to admit that you’ve done wrong. Nothing is worse (and can stoke a conflict more) than when someone refuses to see their part in the conflict.
- Third, we can attempt to change the other person. Let’s face it, changing someone else is easier said than done. Just ask your parents/guardians! All of our parents/guardians have attempted to change our behaviors at one point or another, and changing people is very hard. Even with the powers of punishment and reward, a lot of time change only lasts as long as the punishment or the reward. One of our coauthors was in a constant battle with our coauthors’ parents about thumb sucking as a child. Our coauthor’s parents tried everything to get the thumb sucking to stop. They finally came up with an ingenious plan. They agreed to buy a toy electric saw if their child didn’t engage in thumb sucking for the entire month. Well, for a whole month, no thumb sucking occurred at all. The child got the toy saw, and immediately inserted the thumb back into our coauthor’s mouth. This short story is a great illustration of the problems that can be posed by rewards. Punishment works the same way. As long as people are being punished, they will behave in a specific way. If that punishment is ever taken away, so will the behavior.
- Lastly, we can just change the situation. Having a conflict with your roommates? Move out. Having a conflict with your boss? Find a new job. Having a conflict with a professor? Drop the course. Admittedly, changing the situation is not necessarily the first choice people should take when thinking about possibilities, but often it’s the best decision for long-term happiness. In essence, some conflicts will not be settled between people. When these conflicts arise, you can try and change yourself, hope the other person will change (they probably won’t, though), or just get out of it altogether.
Step 3: Listen
The third step in the STLC model is listen. Humans are not always the best listeners. As we discussed in Chapter 6, active listening is a skill that requires us to pay attention, reflect, and respond to a partner. Unfortunately, during a conflict situation, this is a skill that is desperately needed and often forgotten. When we feel defensive during a conflict, our listening becomes spotty at best because we start to focus on ourselves and protecting ourselves instead of trying to be empathic and seeing the conflict through the other person’s eyes.
One mistake some people make is to think they’re listening, but in reality, they’re listening for flaws in the other person’s argument (known as defensive listening). We often use this type of selective listening as a way to devalue the other person’s stance. In essence, we will hear one small flaw with what the other person is saying and then use that flaw to demonstrate that obviously everything else must be wrong as well.
The goal of listening must be to suspend your judgment and really attempt to be present enough to accurately interpret the message being sent by the other person. When we listen in this highly empathic way, we are often able to see things from the other person’s point-of-view, which could help us come to a better-negotiated outcome in the long run.
Step 4: Communicate
Lastly, but certainly not least, we communicate with the other person. Notice that Cahn and Abigail (2014) put communication as the last part of the STLC model because it’s the hardest one to do effectively during a conflict if the first three are not done correctly. When we communicate during a conflict, we must be hyper-aware of our nonverbal behavior (eye movement, gestures, posture, etc.). Nothing will kill a message faster than when it’s accompanied by bad nonverbal behavior. For example, rolling one’s eyes while another person is speaking is not an effective way to engage in conflict. One of our coauthors used to work with two women who clearly despised one another. They would never openly say something negative about the other person publicly, but in meetings, one would roll her eyes and make these non-word sounds of disagreement. The other one would just smile, slow her speech, and look in the other woman’s direction. Everyone around the conference table knew exactly what was transpiring, yet no words needed to be uttered at all.
During a conflict, it’s important to be assertive and stand up for your ideas without becoming verbally aggressive. Conversely, you have to be open to someone else’s use of assertiveness as well without having to tolerate verbal aggression. We often end up using mediators to help call people on the carpet when they communicate in a fashion that is verbally aggressive or does not further the conflict itself. As Cahn and Abigail (2014) note, “People who are assertive with one another have the greatest chance of achieving mutual satisfaction and growth in their relationship.”
Being Assertive
References
Bloch, L., Haase, C. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2014). Emotion regulation predicts marital satisfaction: More than a wives’ tale. Emotion, 14(1), 130–144. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0034272
Cahn D. D., & Abigail, R. A. (2014). Managing conflict through communication (5th ed.). Pearson Education.
French, J. R. P., Jr., & Raven, B. H. (1959). The bases of social power. In D. Cartwright (Ed.), Studies in social power (pp. 150–167). Institute for Social Research.
McCroskey, J. C., & Wheeless, L. R. (1976). An introduction to human communication. Allyn & Bacon.
Raven, B. H. (2008). The bases of power and the power/interaction model of interpersonal influence. Analyses of Social Issues and Public Policy, 8, 1-22.
Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent communication: A language of life (2nd ed.). Puddle Dancer Press.
Salovey, P., & Mayer, J. D. (1990). Emotional intelligence. Imagination, Cognition, and Personality, 9, 185-211.
Sillars, A. L., Coletti, S., Parry, D., & Rogers, M. (1982). Coding verbal conflict tactics: Nonverbal and perceptual correlates of the ‘avoidance-competitive-cooperative’ distinction. Human Communication Research, 9(1), 83-95. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1468-2958.1982.tb00685.x
Simons, H. W. (1972). Persuasion in social conflicts: A critique of prevailing conceptions and a framework for future research. Speech Monographs, 39(4), 227–247. https://doi.org/10.1080/03637757209375763
Wrench, J. S., McCroskey, J. C., & Richmond, V. P. (2008). Human communication in everyday life: Explanations and applications. Allyn & Bacon.
Yellowstone National Park Staff. (2015, February 15). Why do geysers erupt? Retrieved from: https://www.yellowstonepark.com/things-to-do/geysers-erupt
Figures.
Figure 8.1 : Krukau, Y. (2021). People having conflict while working. Pexels license. Retrieved from https://www.pexels.com/photo/people-having-conflict-while-working-7640830/.
Figure 8.2 French & Raven’s Five Bases of Power. Interpersonal Communication Copyright © by Jason S. Wrench; Narissra M. Punyanunt-Carter; and Katherine S. Thweatt.
Figure 8.3 Conflict Management Styles. Interpersonal Communication Copyright © by Jason S. Wrench; Narissra M. Punyanunt-Carter; and Katherine S. Thweatt.
Figure 8.4 Avoiders. Upset young Indian couple after conflict. Ketut Subiyanto. 2020. CC BY 4.0.
Figure 8.5 Battlers. Man and Woman wearing brown leather jackets. Vera Arsic. 2018. CC BY 4.0.
Figure 8.6 Collaborate. Photo of women talking while sitting. Fauxels. 2019. CC BY 4.0.
Introduction
What do you do when you perceive a disagreement with someone close to you? Have you ever attempted to confront a family member about an important issue, only to have them shift the topic or joke it off? These situations can be incredibly frustrating—but they’re also quite common. In this chapter we'll discuss interpersonal conflict: a perceived or expressed disagreement between two or more interdependent parties. Conflict is a natural part of human interaction, as conflict can arise from differences in opinions, miscommunication, or perceived threats to one's identity or goals. While many people view conflict as negative, it is an essential aspect of communication. When handled well, conflict can strengthen relationships, foster mutual understanding, and promote creative problem-solving. We’ll begin by breaking down the definition of conflict, examining two perspectives on its role in relationships, and exploring its positive and negative functions. Later in the chapter, we’ll look at emotional dynamics in conflict and strategies for navigating disagreements constructively.
8.1 Understanding Conflict
The term conflict can be difficult to define precisely. Scholars have proposed many definitions over time, but generally speaking, conflict, is an interactive process occurring when conscious beings (individuals or groups) have opposing or incompatible actions, beliefs, goals, ideas, motives, needs, objectives, obligations resources and/or values. Let’s unpack that definition a bit:
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Conflict is inherently communicative—it happens through interaction.
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It involves at least two conscious, thinking parties—individuals or groups.
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It arises from incompatibility, whether that’s over beliefs, goals, resources, or any number of other areas.
This definition spans a wide range of disagreements—from minor differences of opinion to intense, emotionally charged disputes. In the next section, we’ll break this down further and explore why understanding conflict matters in communication.
8.1.1 Defining Interpersonal Conflict
According to Cahn and Abigail (2014), interpersonal conflict requires four factors to be present:
- the conflict parties are interdependent,
- they have the perception that they seek incompatible goals or outcomes or they favor incompatible means to the same ends,
- the perceived incompatibility has the potential to adversely affect the relationship leaving emotional residues if not addressed, and
- there is a sense of urgency about the need to resolve the difference.
Let’s look at each of these parts of interpersonal conflict separately.
People are Interdependent
According to Cahn and Abigail, “interdependence occurs when those involved in a relationship characterize it as continuous and important, making it worth the effort to maintain” (2014). From this perspective, interpersonal conflict occurs when we are in some kind of relationship with another person. For example, it could be a relationship with a parent/guardian, a child, a coworker, a boss, a spouse, etc. In each of these interpersonal relationships, we generally see ourselves as having long-term relationships with these people that we want to succeed. For example, if you argue with a stranger on the subway, it may be a disagreement, but not an interpersonal conflict. Without interdependence, the stakes are lower and the connection less meaningful.
People Perceive Differing Goals/Outcomes of Means to the Same Ends
An incompatible goal occurs when two people want different things. For example, imagine you and your best friend are thinking about going to the movies. They want to see a big-budget superhero film, and you’re more in the mood for an independent artsy film. In this case, you have pretty incompatible goals (movie choices). You can also have incompatible means to reach the same end. Incompatible means, in this case, “occur when we want to achieve the same goal but differ in how we should do so” (Cahn & Abigail, 2014). For example, you and your best friend agree on going to the same movie, but not about at which theatre you should see the film.
Conflict Can Negatively Affect the Relationship if Not Addressed
Poorly managed conflict can damage relationships. Consider these examples of mismanagement:
- One person dominates while the other caves.
- Someone yells or uses insults.
- One partner manipulates through lies or half-truths.
- Both parties refuse to compromise.
- One partner avoids the issue altogether.
When conflicts are handled destructively, they can erode liking, trust, and emotional investment. Over time, this may lead to avoidance, resentment, or even the end of the relationship. Later in this chapter, we’ll examine aggressive and avoidant conflict behaviors in more detail.
There is a Sense of Urgency
Finally, interpersonal conflicts involve a pressing need for resolution. If left unresolved, conflicts can escalate or simmer beneath the surface.
Now, some people let conflicts stir and rise over many years that can eventually boil over, but these types of conflicts when they arise generally have some other kind of underlying conflict that is causing the sudden explosion. For example, imagine your spouse has a particularly quirky habit. For the most part, you ignore this habit and may even make a joke about the habit. Finally, one day you just explode and demand the habit must change. Now, it’s possible that you let this conflict build for so long that it finally explodes. It’s kind of like a geyser. According to Yellowstone National Park (2015), here’s how a geyser works:
The looping chambers trap steam from the hot water. Escaped bubbles from trapped steam heat the water column to the boiling point. When the pressure from the trapped steam builds enough, it blasts, releasing the pressure. As the entire water column boils out of the ground, more than half the volume is this steam. The eruption stops when the water cools below the boiling point.
In the same way, sometimes people let irritations or underlying conflict percolate inside of them until they reach a boiling point, which leads to the eventual release of pressure in the form of a sudden, out of nowhere conflict. In this case, even though the conflict has been building for some time, the eventual desire to make this conflict known to the other person does cause an immediate sense of urgency for the conflict to be solved.
8.1.2 Two Perspectives on Conflict
As with most areas of interpersonal communication, no single perspective exists in the field related to interpersonal conflict. There are generally two very different perspectives that one can take (see Simons, 1972). On the one hand, you had scholars who see conflict as a disruption in a normal working system, which should be avoided. On the other hand, some scholars view conflict as a normal part of human relationships. Let’s look at each of these in this section.
Conflict as Disruption
The first major perspective on conflict views it as inherently disruptive and potentially harmful to relationships and social harmony. This perspective, often aligned with collectivistic cultures, emphasizes the importance of group cohesion, maintaining relationships, and avoiding direct confrontation. According to McCroskey and Wheeless (1976), conflict in interpersonal relationships is seen as the breakdown of affinity—the erosion of mutual attraction, the perception of incompatibility, and the development of disrespect between individuals. From this viewpoint, conflict is not simply a disagreement over an issue but a deeper disruption of social bonds, often leading to negative emotions and damaged relationships. Collectivistic cultures, which prioritize harmony and interdependence, tend to view conflict as something to be avoided whenever possible, as it threatens the stability and well-being of the group.
From this perspective, conflict is often managed through indirect communication, compromise, or avoidance, with an emphasis on preserving relationships over winning the argument. When conflict escalates and is allowed to fester, it is compared to a wound that worsens without care. While disagreements can be addressed and resolved in a way that allows both parties to save face, conflicts are seen as far more damaging and may require significant effort to manage without causing lasting harm to the relationship.
Conflict as Normal
The second perspective of the concept of conflict is very different from the first one. According to this perspective, conflict is a normal and an inevitable part of life, essential for the growth of relationships (Cahn & Abigail, 2014). From this viewpoint, conflict is a natural aspect of human interaction, where individuals with different perspectives and needs come together to negotiate, collaborate, and find solutions. In fact, one could ask whether it is possible for relationships to grow without conflict. Successfully managing and resolving conflicts can make relationships healthier, fostering mutual understanding and trust.
In this approach, conflict is seen as neither inherently good nor bad, but rather a tool that can be used for constructive or destructive purposes, depending on how it is handled. When managed well, conflict can offer numerous benefits to individuals and relationships. It helps people find common ground, develop better conflict management skills for the future, and gain a deeper understanding of one another. Conflict often leads to creative solutions to problems, providing opportunities for open and honest discussions that build trust. Moreover, navigating conflict encourages personal growth, improves communication skills, and enhances emotional intelligence. It also allows individuals to set healthy boundaries, assert their needs, and practice effective communication strategies.
When viewed from this perspective, conflict is an invaluable resource in relationships, offering opportunities for learning, development, and connection. However, for conflict to be truly beneficial, both parties must engage in prosocial conflict management strategies—working together to ensure the conflict leads to positive outcomes for all involved.
8.2 Power and Influence
One of the primary reasons we engage in a variety of interpersonal relationships over our lifetimes is to influence others. Whether we realize it or not, we live in a world where we’re constantly trying to accomplish goals—big or small—and getting others on board with those goals is often essential. Influence is a key part of social survival. We define influence when an individual or group of people alters another person’s thinking, feelings, and/or behaviors through accidental, expressive, or rhetorical communication (Wrench, McCrosky, & Richmond, 2008). Notice this definition of influence is one that focuses on the importance of communication within the interaction. Within this definition, we discuss three specific types of communication: unintentional, expressive, or rhetorical.
First, we have unintentional communication, or when we send messages to another person without realizing those messages are being sent. Imagine you are walking on campus and notice a table set up for a specific charity. A person who you really respect is hanging out at the table laughing and smiling, so you decide to donate a dollar to the charity. The person who was just hanging out at the table influenced your decision to donate. They could have just been talking to another friend and may not have even really been a supporter of the charity, but their presence was enough to influence your donation. At the same time, we often influence others to think, feel, and behave in ways they wouldn’t have unconsciously. A smile, a frown, a head nod, or eye eversion can all be nonverbal indicators to other people, which could influence them.
The second type of communication we can have is expressive or emotionally-based communication. Our emotional states can often influence other people. If we are happy, others can become happy, and if we are sad, others may avoid us altogether. Maybe you’ve walked into a room and seen someone crying, so you ask, “Are you OK?” Instead of responding, the person just turns and glowers at you, so you turn around and leave. With just one look, this person influenced your behavior.
The final type of communication, rhetorical communication, involves purposefully creating and sending messages to another person in the hopes of altering another person’s thinking, feelings, and/or behaviors. Unintentional communication is not planned. Expressive communication is often not conscious at all. However, rhetorical communication is purposeful. When we are using rhetorical communication to influence another person(s), we know that we are trying to influence that person(s).
8.2.1 French & Raven’s Five Bases of Power
When we hear the word power, many of us think of superheroes, political leaders, or people in positions of authority. But in the social sciences, power has a specific definition.Power is the degree that a social agent (A) has the ability to get another person(s) (P) to alter their thoughts, feelings, and/or behaviors. Unlike influence in general, which can happen unintentionally, power always involves rhetorical communication—it’s deliberate and goal-driven. Power is about intentionally trying to change someone’s mindset or behavior.
French and Raven (1959) identified five bases of power:
- Informational: Informational power refers to a social agent’s ability to bring about a change in thought, feeling, and/or behavior through information. For example, since you initially started school, teachers have had informational power over you. They have provided you with a range of information on history, science, grammar, art, etc. that shape how you think (what constitutes history?), feel (what does it mean to be aesthetically pleasing?), and behave (how do you properly mix chemicals in a lab?). In some ways, informational power is very strong, because it’s often the first form of power with which we come into contact. In fact, when you are taught how to think, feel, and/or behave, this change “now continues without the target necessarily referring to, or even remembering, the [influencer] as being the agent of change” (Raven, 2008).
- Coercive and Reward: Coercive power, is the ability to punish an individual who does not comply with one’s influencing attempts. On the other end of the spectrum, we have reward power (3rd base of power), which is the ability to offer an individual rewards for complying with one’s influencing attempts. We talk about these two bases of power together because they are two sides of the same coin. Furthermore, the same problems with this type of power apply equally to both. Influence can happen if you punish or reward someone; however, as soon as you take away that punishment or reward, the thoughts, feelings, and/or behavior will reverse back to its initial state. Hence, we refer to both coercive and reward power as attempts to get someone to comply with influence, because this is the highest level of influence one can hope to achieve with these two forms of power.
- Legitimate: Legitimate power, is influence that occurs because a person (P) believes that the social agent (A) has a valid right to influence P, and P has an obligation to accept A’s attempt to influence P’s thoughts, feelings, and/or behaviors. French and Raven argued that there were two common forms of legitimate power: cultural and structural. Cultural legitimate power occurs when a change agent is viewed as having the right to influence others because of their role in the culture. For example, in some cultures, the elderly may have a stronger right to influence than younger members of that culture. Structural legitimate power, on the other hand, occurs because someone fulfills a specific position within the social hierarchy. For example, your boss may have the legitimate right to influence your thoughts, feelings, and/or behaviors in the workplace because they are above you in the organizational hierarchy (French & Raven, 1959).
- Expert: Expert power, is the power we give an individual to influence us because of their perceived knowledge. For example, we often give our physicians the ability to influence our behavior (e.g., eat right, exercise, take medication, etc.) because we view these individuals as having specialized knowledge. However, this type of influence only is effective if P believes A is an expert, P trusts A, and P believes that A is telling the truth. One problem we often face in the 21st Century involves the conceptualization of the word “expert.” Many people in today’s world can be perceived as “experts” just because they write a book, have a talk show, were on a reality TV show, or are seen on news programs (Bauerlein, 2008). Many of these so-called “experts” may have no reasonable skill or knowledge but they can be trumpeted as experts. One of the problems with the Internet is the fundamental flaw that anyone can put information online with only an opinion and no actual facts. Additionally, we often engage in debates about “facts” because we have different talking heads telling us different information. Historically, expert power was always a very strong form of power, but there is growing concern that we are losing expertise and knowledge to unsubstantiated opinions and rumor mongering.
- Referent: Referent power, is a social agent’s ability to influence another person because P wants to be associated with A. Ultimately, referent power is about relationship building and the desire for a relationship. If A is a person P finds attractive, then P will do whatever they need to do to become associated with A. If A belongs to a group, then P will want to join that group. Ultimately, this relationship exists because P wants to think, feel, and behave as A does. For example, if A decides that he likes modern art, then P will also decide to like modern art. If A has a very strong work ethic in the workplace, then P will adopt a strong work ethic in the workplace as well. Often A has no idea of the influence they are having over P. Ultimately, the stronger P desires to be associated with A, the more referent power A has over P.
8.2.2 Power and Interpersonal Conflict
Power is not only central to our ability to influence others—it is also a key factor in how interpersonal conflicts emerge, escalate, and are resolved. Every relationship involves a dynamic balance of power, whether that balance is equal or unequal. When one person attempts to assert influence and the other resists, a power struggle can occur, which often lies at the heart of many interpersonal conflicts.
In fact, many conflicts are not just about surface-level issues like chores, plans, or preferences, but about deeper questions of control, autonomy, and perceived fairness. Who gets to make the final decision? Whose needs or goals take priority? Who holds the legitimate right to assert influence? These are all questions rooted in the distribution and perception of power in a relationship.
The bases of power discussed earlier—especially coercive, reward, and legitimate power—can often exacerbate conflict if they are perceived as unfair or misused. For example, if one person uses coercive power to dominate a conversation or force a decision, the other may feel resentful, powerless, or disrespected. Conversely, power rooted in expertise, information, or referent influence can sometimes help de-escalate conflict, particularly when it is used to build trust, offer perspective, or reinforce mutual respect.
Understanding how power operates in interpersonal relationships allows us to better navigate conflict. Effective conflict management often involves recognizing imbalances of power, being mindful of how we use our own influence, and working toward communication strategies that empower all parties involved.
As we transition to discussing interpersonal conflict in more detail, keep in mind how power shapes not only what conflicts arise, but how they are handled—and whether they are resolved constructively or destructively.
8.3 Emotions and Feelings
While power dynamics shape who holds influence in interpersonal conflict, emotions and feelings often dictate how that conflict unfolds. Regardless of one’s position or power, human beings bring emotional responses into every interaction. These emotions can either escalate tensions or help de-escalate situations—depending on how they are recognized and managed. Understanding our emotional responses, and those of others, is key to resolving conflicts constructively.
Emotions and feelings play a significant role in shaping how interpersonal conflicts unfold and are managed. When individuals experience strong emotions, such as anger, frustration, or hurt, they may react impulsively, escalating the conflict or making it harder to find common ground. Additionally, emotions can cloud judgment, leading to misinterpretations of others' intentions and heightened defensiveness. On the other hand, being aware of and managing emotions can help individuals approach conflict with greater empathy, patience, and clarity, enabling more productive and respectful communication.
As we discuss the effects of our emotions and feelings on conflicts, it’s important to differentiate between emotions and feelings. Emotions are our reactions to stimuli in the outside environment. Emotions, therefore, can be objectively measured by blood flow, brain activity, and nonverbal reactions to things. Feelings, on the other hand, are the responses to thoughts and interpretations given to emotions based on experiences, memory, expectations, and personality. So, there is an inherent relationship between emotions and feelings, but we do differentiate between them. Table 8.1 breaks down the differences between the two concepts.
Table 8.1 The Differences of Emotions and Feelings
| © John W. Voris, CEO of Authentic Systems, www.authentic-systems.com Reprinted here with permission. |
|
| Feelings: | Emotions: |
|---|---|
| Feelings tell us “how to live.” | Emotions tell us what we “like” and “dislike.” |
| Feelings state: “There is a right and wrong way to be.“ | Emotions state: “There are good and bad actions.” |
| Feelings state: “your emotions matter.” | Emotions state: “The external world matters.” |
| Feelings establish our long-term attitude toward reality. | Emotions establish our initial attitude toward reality. |
| Feelings alert us to anticipated dangers and prepares us for action. | Emotions alert us to immediate dangers and prepare us for action. |
| Feelings ensure long-term survival of self (body and mind). | Emotions ensure immediate survival of self (body and mind). |
| Feelings are Low-key but Sustainable. | Emotions are Intense but Temporary. |
| Happiness: is a feeling. | Joy: is an emotion. |
| Worry: is a feeling. | Fear: is an emotion. |
| Contentment: is a feeling. | Enthusiasm: is an emotion. |
| Bitterness: is a feeling. | Anger: is an emotion. |
| Love: is a feeling. | Lust: is an emotion. |
| Depression: is a feeling. | Sadness: is an emotion. |
It’s important to understand that we are all allowed to be emotional beings. Being emotional is an inherent part of being a human. For this reason, it’s important to avoid phrases like “don’t feel that way” or “they have no right to feel that way.” Again, our emotions are our emotions, and, when we negate someone else’s emotions, we are negating that person as an individual and taking away their right to emotional responses.
We all have the ability to alter our emotions. Altering our emotional states (in a proactive way) is how we get through life. Maybe you just broke up with someone, and listening to music helps you work through the grief you are experiencing to get to a better place. For others, they need to openly communicate about how they are feeling in an effort to process and work through emotions. The worst thing a person can do is attempt to deny that the emotion exists.
- Think of this like a balloon. With each breath of air you blow into the balloon, you are bottling up more and more emotions. Eventually, that balloon will get to a point where it cannot handle any more air in it before it explodes. Humans can be the same way with emotions when we bottle them up inside. The final breath of air in our emotional balloon doesn’t have to be big or intense. However, it can still cause tremendous emotional outpouring that is often very damaging to the person and their interpersonal relationships with others.
Research has demonstrated that how we handle our negative emotions during conflicts can affect the rate of de-escalations and mediation (Bloch, Haase, & Levenson, 2014).
8.3.1 Emotions and Conflict
Emotions are at the heart of most interpersonal conflicts. Whether a disagreement stems from unmet expectations, a perceived slight, or clashing values, emotions serve as both the fuel and the signal for conflict. They alert us that something important is at stake, and they influence how we choose to respond. However, while emotions may be automatic and instinctual (Levenson, 1994), how we handle them is a choice—and that choice directly impacts the course and outcome of the conflict.
Strong emotions such as anger, jealousy, fear, or resentment can intensify conflict when left unexamined or unmanaged. For example, anger may provoke shouting or passive-aggressive behavior, while fear may cause someone to withdraw or avoid the issue altogether. When emotions take control of our actions, we often lose the ability to listen, empathize, or reason through the problem—leading to miscommunication, blame, and escalation.
Conversely, recognizing and validating emotions—both our own and others’—can be a powerful tool for de-escalating tension and building understanding (Ekman, 2003). Emotional awareness enables us to take a pause, reflect on what we are feeling, and ask what unmet need lies underneath that emotion. For instance, frustration in a conflict might signal a need for autonomy, respect, or clarity. When we focus on articulating those needs instead of attacking the other person, we create space for collaboration instead of combat.
This connection between emotion and conflict is central to the idea of emotional intelligence (EQ). Emotional intelligence(EQ) is an individual’s appraisal and expression of their emotions and the emotions of others in a manner that enhances thought, living, and communicative interactions. Furthermore, we learned that EQ is built by four distinct emotional processes: perceiving, understanding, managing, and using emotions (Salovey & Mayer, 1990). Take a minute and complete Table 8.2, which is a simple 20-item questionnaire designed to help you evaluate your own EQ.
Table 8.2 Emotional Intelligence Questionnaire
Read the following questions and select the answer that corresponds with your perception. Do not be concerned if some of the items appear similar. Please use the scale below to rate the degree to which each statement applies to you.
| Strongly Disagree | Disagree | Neutral | Agree | Strongly Agree |
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
_____1. I am aware of my emotions as I experience them.
_____2. I easily recognize my emotions.
_____3. I can tell how others are feeling simply by watching their body movements.
_____4. I can tell how others are feeling by listening to their voices.
_____5. When I look at people’s faces, I generally know how they are feeling.
_____6. When my emotions change, I know why.
_____7. I understand that my emotional state is rarely comprised of one single emotion.
_____8. When I am experiencing an emotion, I have no problem easily labeling that emotion.
_____9. It’s completely possible to experience two opposite emotions at the same time (e.g., love & hate; awe & fear; joy & sadness, etc.).
_____10. I can generally tell when my emotional state is shifting from one emotion to another.
_____11. I don’t let my emotions get the best of me.
_____12. I have control over my own emotions.
_____13. I can analyze my emotions and determine if they are reasonable or not.
_____14. I can engage or detach from an emotion depending on whether I find it informative or useful.
_____15. When I’m feeling sad, I know how to seek out activities that will make me happy.
_____16. I can create situations that will cause others to experience specific emotions.
_____17. I can use my understanding of emotions to have more productive interactions with others.
_____18. I know how to make other people happy or sad.
_____19. I often lift people’s spirits when they are feeling down.
_____20. I know how to generate negative emotions and enhance pleasant ones in my interactions with others.
Scoring:
| Perceiving Emotions | Add scores for items 1, 2, 3, 4, & 5 | = | ||
| Understanding Emotions | Add scores for items 6, 7, 8, 9, & 10 | = | ||
| Managing Emotions | Add scores for items 11, 12, 13, 14, & 15 | = | ||
| Using Emotions | Add scores for items 16, 17, 18, 19, & 20 | = |
Interpreting Your Scores:
Each of the four parts of the EQ Model can have a range of 5 to 25. Scores under 11 represent low levels of EQ for each aspect. Scores between 12 and 18 represent average levels of EQ. Scores 19 and higher represent high levels of EQ.
Emotional intelligence plays a crucial role in effectively handling conflict, as it involves the ability to recognize, understand, and manage both your own emotions and those of others. Individuals with high emotional intelligence are better equipped to navigate the emotional landscape of conflict, allowing them to remain calm, empathetic, and thoughtful in tense situations. They can identify underlying emotions that fuel disagreements, such as frustration, fear, or hurt, and respond in ways that de-escalate tension rather than inflame it. Emotional intelligence also helps people communicate more clearly and compassionately, fostering open dialogue and mutual understanding. By managing emotions constructively, individuals are more likely to resolve conflicts in ways that strengthen relationships, build trust, and promote long-term collaboration. Ultimately, emotional intelligence allows people to approach conflict not as a threat, but as an opportunity for growth and deeper connection.
Ultimately, conflicts are less about removing emotions and more about managing them. Moreover, not all emotions in conflict are negative. Emotions such as concern, hope, or care can drive individuals to initiate difficult conversations in the interest of preserving or strengthening a relationship. In this way, emotions can serve as guides—not just warning signals, but also motivators to engage and repair. By developing emotional literacy—the ability to identify what we feel, why we feel it, and how it affects others—we can engage in more constructive, respectful, and honest communication.
8.3.2 Expressing Feelings in Conflict
Developing emotional intelligence lays the groundwork for more mindful and constructive communication during conflict—but recognizing our emotions is only the first step. The next challenge is how we express those emotions. Often, conflict escalates not because of what we feel, but how we communicate those feelings. When our emotions are filtered through blame, criticism, or defensiveness, the chances of resolution shrink. This brings us to the importance of expression—how we give voice to our feelings and unmet needs in ways that invite understanding rather than push others away.
According to Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of nonviolent communication, "You" statements often reflect moralistic judgments where we imply that the other person is wrong or bad based on their behavior (2003). These judgments shift blame and deny responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. It's important to remember that no one can make us feel a certain way—we choose our emotional responses. When we blame others for our feelings, we trigger defensiveness and escalate conflict, making it harder to get our needs met in the relationship.
Behind every negative emotion lies an unmet need. Blaming others doesn't resolve the core issue—it often intensifies disconnection. For example, someone might say, “If you go hang out with your friends tonight, I’ll hurt myself, and it will be your fault.” In this case, the speaker uses blame to manipulate their partner’s behavior rather than expressing vulnerability or needs. This kind of communication creates unhealthy dynamics where neither person’s needs are clearly acknowledged or met.
However, expressing emotions is just the first step. Effective communication also requires identifying the underlying need behind the feeling. These needs are not limited to basic survival needs from Maslow’s Hierarchy, but also include emotional and relational needs—such as autonomy, connection, or respect (adapted from Rosenberg, 2003). When these needs go unmet, we often act out emotionally in an attempt to be heard or understood.
A more constructive response might be: “I feel hurt when you yell at me because I need to feel respected.” This statement shares an emotion and connects it to a need—without judgment or blame.
Notice that this kind of language avoids labeling the other person as wrong. Instead, it focuses on one's own internal experience, inviting understanding rather than defensiveness.
Table 8.3 Underlying Human Needs
| Area | Need |
|---|---|
| Autonomy | to choose one’s dreams, goals, values |
| to choose one’s plan for fulfilling one’s dreams, goals, values | |
| Spiritual Communion | beauty, harmony |
| inspiration | |
| order, peace | |
| Physical Nurturance | air |
| food, water | |
| movement, exercise | |
| protection from life-threatening forms of life: viruses, bacteria, insects, predatory animals | |
| rest | |
| shelter | |
| Integrity | authenticity |
| creativity | |
| meaning, self-worth | |
| Interdependence | acceptance, understanding, empathy |
| appreciation, consideration | |
| closeness, love, community, warmth | |
| reassurance | |
| respect, trust, honesty | |
| Source: Adapted from Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life 2nd Ed by Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg, 2003–published by PuddleDancer Press and Used with Permission. For more information visit www.CNVC.org and www.NonviolentCommunication.com |
|
Next, let's discuss common communication strategies for managing conflict.
8.4 Conflict Management Strategies
Many researchers have attempted to understand how humans handle conflict with one another. You may see classifications of conflict based on whether participants are Integrative or distributive ; and how assertive and cooperative they are. All of these approaches are valid to understanding conflict. However, in this textbook we have chosen to simplify conflict management into 3 primary strategies known as the ABCs.
8.4.1 ABC’s of Conflict
So how do you typically approach a conflict situation? Go ahead and take a moment to complete the questionnaire in Table 8.4 to identify some of your own common patterns.
Table 8.4 ABC’s of Conflict Management
Instructions: Read the following questions and select the answer that corresponds with how you typically behave when engaged in conflict with another person. Do not be concerned if some of the items appear similar. Please use the scale below to rate the degree to which each statement applies to you.
| Strongly Disagree | Disagree | Neutral | Agree | Strongly Agree |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
When I start to engage in a conflict, I _______________
_____1. Keep the conflict to myself to avoid rocking the boat.
_____2. Do my best to win.
_____3. Try to find a solution that works for everyone.
_____4. Do my best to stay away from disagreements that arise.
_____5. Create a strategy to ensure my successful outcome.
_____6. Try to find a solution that is beneficial for those involved.
_____7. Avoid the individual with whom I’m having the conflict.
_____8. Won’t back down unless I get what I want.
_____9. Collaborate with others to find an outcome OK for everyone.
_____10. Leave the room to avoid dealing with the issue.
_____11. Take no prisoners.
_____12. Find solutions that satisfy everyone’s expectations.
_____13. Shut down and shut up in order to get it over with as quickly as possible.
_____14. See it as an opportunity to get what I want.
_____15. Try to integrate everyone’s ideas to come up with the best solution for everyone.
_____16. Keep my disagreements to myself.
_____17. Don’t let up until I win.
_____18. Openly raise everyone’s concerns to ensure the best outcome possible.
Scoring:
Avoiders
Add Items 1, 4, 7, 10, 13, 16______
Battlers
Add Items 2, 5, 8, 11, 14, 17______
Collaborators
Add Items 3, 6, 9, 12, 15, 18______
Interpretation: Scores for each subscale should range from 6 to 30. Scores under 14 are considered low, scores 15 to 23 are considered moderate, and scores over 24 are considered high.
Avoiders
Conflict avoidance is the practice of deliberately steering clear of addressing disagreements or confrontations in personal or professional relationships. People often avoid conflict because they fear negative outcomes, such as damaged relationships, emotional discomfort, or escalated tension. Some individuals may also avoid conflict due to a desire to maintain harmony, low self-confidence, or previous experiences where conflict led to undesirable consequences. While conflict avoidance can offer short-term benefits, like reducing immediate stress or preserving peace, it has significant drawbacks. On the positive side, avoiding conflict can sometimes prevent unnecessary arguments or allow time for emotions to cool down. However, consistently avoiding conflict often leads to unresolved issues, increased frustration, and weakened relationships over time. When people avoid addressing problems, underlying tensions may fester, leading to larger, more difficult conflicts in the future. Ultimately, while avoidance might seem easier in the moment, it can prevent open communication and inhibit healthy problem-solving.
Table 8.5 provides a list of common tactics used by avoiders in conflict (Sillars, Coletti, Parry, & Rogers, 1982).
Table 8.5 Avoidant Conflict Management Strategies
| Conflict Management Tactic | Definition | Example |
|---|---|---|
| Simple Denial | Statements that deny the conflict. | “No, I’m perfectly fine.” |
| Extended Denial | Statements that deny conflict with a short justification. | “No, I’m perfectly fine. I just had a long night.” |
| Underresponsiveness | Statements that deny the conflict and then pose a question to the conflict partner. | “I don’t know why you are upset, did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?” |
| Topic Shifting | Statements that shift the interaction away from the conflict. | “Sorry to hear that. Did you hear about the mall opening?” |
| Topic Avoidance | Statements designed to clearly stop the conflict. | “I don’t want to deal with this right now.” |
| Abstractness | Statements designed to shift a conflict from concrete factors to more abstract ones. | “Yes, I know I’m late. But what is time really except a construction of humans to force conformity.” |
| Semantic Focus | Statements focused on the denotative and connotative definitions of words. | “So, what do you mean by the word ‘sex’?” |
| Process Focus | Statements focused on the “appropriate” procedures for handling conflict. | “I refuse to talk to you when you are angry.” |
| Joking | Humorous statements designed to derail conflict. | “That’s about as useless as a football bat.” |
| Ambivalence | Statements designed to indicate a lack of caring. | “Whatever!” “Just do what you want.” |
| Pessimism | Statements that devalue the purpose of conflict. | “What’s the point of fighting over this? Neither of us are changing our minds.” |
| Evasion | Statements designed to shift the focus of the conflict. | “I hear the Joneses down the street have that problem, not us.” |
| Stalling | Statements designed to shift the conflict to another time. | “I don’t have time to talk about this right now.” |
| Irrelevant Remark | Statements that have nothing to do with the conflict. | “I never knew the wallpaper in here had flowers on it.” |
Battlers
"Battlers," also known as aggressive or competitive communicators, approach conflict with a win-at-all-costs mindset, viewing disagreements as a zero-sum game where one side emerges victorious while the other loses. Battlers engage in what is called distributive conflict, where their primary focus is on achieving their own goals, often without regard to the feelings or needs of others. This approach to conflict can be highly antagonistic and personalistic, as battlers tend to target the individual rather than just the issue at hand. While this style can sometimes lead to short-term wins or assertively defending one's position, it often causes significant relational damage, fostering resentment and hostility. The aggressive nature of battlers may lead to burned bridges and strained communication in the long run. On the positive side, battlers can be decisive, willing to take charge and tackle difficult situations head-on. However, the downside is that their lack of concern for collaboration or compromise can result in broken trust, weakened relationships, and an inability to resolve conflicts in a way that benefits both parties (Sillars et al., 1982).
Table 8.6 provides a list of common tactics used by battlers in conflict (Sillars et al., 1982).
Table 8.6 Battling Conflict Management Strategies
| Conflict Management Tactic | Definition | Example |
|---|---|---|
| Faulting | Statements that verbally criticize a partner. | “Wow, I can’t believe you are so dense at times.” |
| Rejection | Statements that express antagonistic disagreement. | “That is such a dumb idea.” |
| Hostile Questioning | Questions designed to fault a partner. | “Who died and made you king?” |
| Hostile Joking | Humorous statements designed to attack a partner. | “I do believe a village has lost its idiot.” |
| Presumptive Attribution | Statements designed to point the meaning or origin of the conflict to another source. | “You just think that because your father keeps telling you that.” |
| Avoiding Responsibility | Statements that deny fault. | “Not my fault, not my problem.” |
| Prescription | Statements that describe a specific change to another’s behavior. | “You know, if you’d just stop yelling, maybe people would take you seriously.” |
| Threat | Statements designed to inform a partner of a future punishment. | “You either tell your mother we’re not coming, or I’m getting a divorce attorney.” |
| Blame | Statements that lay culpability for a problem on a partner. | “It’s your fault we got ourselves in this mess in the first place.” |
| Shouting | Statements delivered in a manner with an increased volume. | “DAMMIT! GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER!” |
| Sarcasm | Statements involving the use of irony to convey contempt, mock, insult, or wound another person. | "The trouble with you is that you lack the power of conversation but not the power of speech." |
Collaborators
Collaborators approach conflict with a focus on finding mutually beneficial solutions, aiming for outcomes where both sides feel satisfied with the resolution. They engage in prosocial communication behaviors, emphasizing open dialogue, active listening, and problem-solving to ensure that all parties' needs are considered. Collaborators may either work toward a fully cooperative solution or, when necessary, compromise, understanding that each side may need to give up something to reach a fair and balanced outcome. While this approach is often ideal, it can be difficult to achieve, especially when one party is unwilling to collaborate or is more focused on "winning" the conflict. In such cases, collaborative strategies may not be effective because successful collaboration requires both parties to engage in good faith. Despite these challenges, collaboration is typically seen as a constructive approach to conflict, as it strengthens relationships, builds trust, and encourages long-term cooperation by valuing the perspectives and needs of everyone involved.
Table 8.7 provides a list of common tactics used by collaborators in conflict (Sillars et al., 1982).
Table 8.7 Collaborative Conflict Management Strategies
| Conflict Management Tactic | Definition | Example |
|---|---|---|
| Descriptive Acts | Statements that describe obvious events or factors. | “Last time your sister babysat our kids, she yelled at them.” |
| Qualification | Statements that explicitly explain the conflict. | “I am upset because you didn’t come home last night.” |
| Disclosure | Statements that disclose one’s thoughts and feelings in a non-judgmental way. | “I get really worried when you don’t call and let me know where you are.” |
| Soliciting Disclosure | Questions that ask another person to disclose their thoughts and feelings. | “How do you feel about what I just said?” |
| Negative Inquiry | Statements allowing for the other person to identify your negative behaviors. | “What is it that I do that makes you yell at me?” |
| Empathy | Statements that indicate you understand and relate to the other person’s emotions and experiences. | “I know this isn’t easy for you.” |
| Emphasize Commonalities | Statements that highlight shared goals, aims, and values. | “We both want what’s best for our son.” |
| Accepting Responsibility | Statements acknowledging the part you play within a conflict. | “You’re right. I sometimes let my anger get the best of me.” |
| Initiating Problem-Solving | Statements designed to help the conflict come to a mutually agreed upon solution. | “So let’s brainstorm some ways that will help us solve this.” |
| Concession | Statements designed to give in or yield to a partner’s goals, aims, or values. | “I promise, I will make sure my homework is complete before I watch television.” |
Before we conclude this section, we do want to point out that conflict management strategies are often reciprocated by others. If you start a conflict in a highly competitive way, do not be surprised when your conflicting partner mirrors you and starts using distributive conflict management strategies in return. The same is also true for integrative conflict management strategies. When you start using integrative conflict management strategies, you may be able to deescalate a problematic conflict by using integrative conflict management strategies.
8.5 Resolving Conflict Effectively
Cahn and Abigail created a very simple model that can help us to think through a heated conflict situation (2014). They called the model the STLC Conflict Model because it stands for stop, think, listen, and then communicate.
Step 1: Stop
The first thing an individual needs to do when interacting with another person during conflict is to take the time to be present within the conflict itself. Too often, people engaged in a conflict say whatever enters their mind before they’ve really had a chance to process the message and think of the best strategies to use to send that message. Others end up talking past one another during a conflict because they simply are not paying attention to each other and the competing needs within the conflict. Communication problems often occur during conflict because people tend to react to conflict situations when they arise instead of being mindful and present during the conflict itself. For this reason, it’s always important to take a breath during a conflict and first stop.
Sometimes these “time outs” need to be physical. Maybe you need to leave the room and go for a brief walk to calm down, or maybe you just need to get a glass of water. Whatever you need to do, it’s important to take this break. This break takes you out of a “reactive stance into a proactive one” (Cahn & Abigail, 2014).
Step 2: Think
Once you’ve stopped, you now have the ability to really think about what you are communicating. You want to think through the conflict itself. What is the conflict really about? Often people engage in conflicts about superficial items when there are truly much deeper issues that are being avoided. You also want to consider what possible causes led to the conflict and what possible courses of action you think are possible to conclude the conflict. Cahn and Abigail argue that there are four possible outcomes that can occur: do nothing, change yourself, change the other person, or change the situation.
- First, you can simply sit back and avoid the conflict. Maybe you’re engaging in a conflict about politics with a family member, and this conflict is actually just going to make everyone mad. For this reason, you opt just to stop the conflict and change topics to avoid making people upset. One of our coauthors was at a funeral when an uncle asked our coauthor about our coauthor’s impression of the current President. Our coauthor’s immediate response was, “Do you really want me to answer that question?” Our coauthor knew that everyone else in the room would completely disagree, so our coauthor knew this was probably a can of worms that just didn’t need to be opened.
- Second, we can change ourselves. Often, we are at fault and start conflicts. We may not even realize how our behavior caused the conflict until we take a step back and really analyze what is happening. When it comes to being at fault, it’s very important to admit that you’ve done wrong. Nothing is worse (and can stoke a conflict more) than when someone refuses to see their part in the conflict.
- Third, we can attempt to change the other person. Let’s face it, changing someone else is easier said than done. Just ask your parents/guardians! All of our parents/guardians have attempted to change our behaviors at one point or another, and changing people is very hard. Even with the powers of punishment and reward, a lot of time change only lasts as long as the punishment or the reward. One of our coauthors was in a constant battle with our coauthors’ parents about thumb sucking as a child. Our coauthor’s parents tried everything to get the thumb sucking to stop. They finally came up with an ingenious plan. They agreed to buy a toy electric saw if their child didn’t engage in thumb sucking for the entire month. Well, for a whole month, no thumb sucking occurred at all. The child got the toy saw, and immediately inserted the thumb back into our coauthor’s mouth. This short story is a great illustration of the problems that can be posed by rewards. Punishment works the same way. As long as people are being punished, they will behave in a specific way. If that punishment is ever taken away, so will the behavior.
- Lastly, we can just change the situation. Having a conflict with your roommates? Move out. Having a conflict with your boss? Find a new job. Having a conflict with a professor? Drop the course. Admittedly, changing the situation is not necessarily the first choice people should take when thinking about possibilities, but often it’s the best decision for long-term happiness. In essence, some conflicts will not be settled between people. When these conflicts arise, you can try and change yourself, hope the other person will change (they probably won’t, though), or just get out of it altogether.
Step 3: Listen
The third step in the STLC model is listen. Humans are not always the best listeners. As we discussed in Chapter 6, active listening is a skill that requires us to pay attention, reflect, and respond to a partner. Unfortunately, during a conflict situation, this is a skill that is desperately needed and often forgotten. When we feel defensive during a conflict, our listening becomes spotty at best because we start to focus on ourselves and protecting ourselves instead of trying to be empathic and seeing the conflict through the other person’s eyes.
One mistake some people make is to think they’re listening, but in reality, they’re listening for flaws in the other person’s argument (known as defensive listening). We often use this type of selective listening as a way to devalue the other person’s stance. In essence, we will hear one small flaw with what the other person is saying and then use that flaw to demonstrate that obviously everything else must be wrong as well.
The goal of listening must be to suspend your judgment and really attempt to be present enough to accurately interpret the message being sent by the other person. When we listen in this highly empathic way, we are often able to see things from the other person’s point-of-view, which could help us come to a better-negotiated outcome in the long run.
Step 4: Communicate
Lastly, but certainly not least, we communicate with the other person. Notice that Cahn and Abigail (2014) put communication as the last part of the STLC model because it’s the hardest one to do effectively during a conflict if the first three are not done correctly. When we communicate during a conflict, we must be hyper-aware of our nonverbal behavior (eye movement, gestures, posture, etc.). Nothing will kill a message faster than when it’s accompanied by bad nonverbal behavior. For example, rolling one’s eyes while another person is speaking is not an effective way to engage in conflict. One of our coauthors used to work with two women who clearly despised one another. They would never openly say something negative about the other person publicly, but in meetings, one would roll her eyes and make these non-word sounds of disagreement. The other one would just smile, slow her speech, and look in the other woman’s direction. Everyone around the conference table knew exactly what was transpiring, yet no words needed to be uttered at all.
During a conflict, it’s important to be assertive and stand up for your ideas without becoming verbally aggressive. Conversely, you have to be open to someone else’s use of assertiveness as well without having to tolerate verbal aggression. We often end up using mediators to help call people on the carpet when they communicate in a fashion that is verbally aggressive or does not further the conflict itself. As Cahn and Abigail (2014) note, “People who are assertive with one another have the greatest chance of achieving mutual satisfaction and growth in their relationship.”
Assertive Communication: Respecting Yourself and Others
Assertive communication is a key skill for expressing emotions, setting boundaries, and advocating for your needs in a healthy, respectful way. According to Beebe, Beebe, and Redmond (2020), assertive communication means being “able to pursue one’s own best interests without denying a person’s rights” (p. 173). Unlike aggressive communication (which violates others' boundaries) or passive communication (which ignores your own needs), assertive communication is rooted in mutual respect.
Practicing assertive communication helps you express your thoughts and feelings honestly while also considering the perspective and dignity of others. It's a valuable tool for maintaining relationships, resolving conflict, and navigating emotional situations effectively.
Here is a five-step model to guide assertive communication:
1. Describe the situation or behavior
Start by objectively stating what happened—without blame, judgment, or exaggeration. Focus on observable behavior, not assumptions or interpretations.
Example: “When you interrupted me during the meeting…”
2. Disclose your feelings
Share your genuine emotional response using “I” statements. This keeps the focus on your experience rather than accusing the other person.
“…I felt frustrated and dismissed…”
3. Identify the effects
Explain why the behavior or situation matters by highlighting the impact it had on you or others.
“…because I had prepared my part and was hoping to contribute to the discussion.”
4. Listen to the other person’s perspective
Assertiveness is not a one-way street. After expressing yourself, give the other person a chance to respond. Stay open and attentive, even if their perspective is different from your own.
“Can you help me understand what was going on from your end?”
5. Paraphrase to clarify understanding
Paraphrasing shows that you’re actively listening and trying to understand the other person. It also helps prevent miscommunication.
“So you were feeling rushed to finish and didn’t realize I hadn’t spoken yet—is that right?”
Assertive communication doesn’t guarantee you’ll get exactly what you want, but it does set the stage for healthy dialogue and problem-solving. By clearly stating your needs and being open to others, you foster trust and mutual respect in relationships. It’s a powerful way to advocate for yourself—without stepping on anyone else’s rights.
Wrap Up
Conflict is an inevitable part of all human relationships. Throughout this chapter, we examined the sources of conflict, common styles of conflict management, and communication strategies that can help us navigate disagreements more constructively. While conflict may feel uncomfortable in the moment, unmanaged or poorly handled conflict can do lasting harm. On the other hand, skillful conflict management builds trust, deepens connection, and promotes mutual respect.
The key takeaway is that managing conflict effectively is not about avoiding it or “winning” an argument—it’s about using thoughtful, respectful communication to find understanding and resolution. Whether in personal relationships, friendships, or professional settings, the ability to approach conflict with empathy, active listening, and a willingness to collaborate is one of the most powerful communication skills we can develop.
References
Beebe, S. A., Beebe, S. J., & Redmond, M. V. (2020). Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others. Pearson.
Bloch, L., Haase, C. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2014). Emotion regulation predicts marital satisfaction: More than a wives’ tale. Emotion, 14(1), 130–144. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0034272
Cahn D. D., & Abigail, R. A. (2014). Managing conflict through communication (5th ed.). Pearson Education.
Ekman, P. (2003). Emotions revealed: Recognizing faces and feelings to improve communication and emotional life. Henry Holt & Co.
French, J. R. P., Jr., & Raven, B. H. (1959). The bases of social power. In D. Cartwright (Ed.), Studies in social power (pp. 150–167). Institute for Social Research.
Levenson, R. W. (1994). Human emotion: A functional view. In P. Ekman and R. J. Davidson (Eds.), The nature of emotion: Fundamental questions (pp. 123-126). Oxford University Press.
McCroskey, J. C., & Wheeless, L. R. (1976). An introduction to human communication. Allyn & Bacon.
Raven, B. H. (2008). The bases of power and the power/interaction model of interpersonal influence. Analyses of Social Issues and Public Policy, 8, 1-22.
Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent communication: A language of life (2nd ed.). Puddle Dancer Press.
Salovey, P., & Mayer, J. D. (1990). Emotional intelligence. Imagination, Cognition, and Personality, 9, 185-211.
Sillars, A. L., Coletti, S., Parry, D., & Rogers, M. (1982). Coding verbal conflict tactics: Nonverbal and perceptual correlates of the ‘avoidance-competitive-cooperative’ distinction. Human Communication Research, 9(1), 83-95. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1468-2958.1982.tb00685.x
Simons, H. W. (1972). Persuasion in social conflicts: A critique of prevailing conceptions and a framework for future research. Speech Monographs, 39(4), 227–247. https://doi.org/10.1080/03637757209375763
Wrench, J. S., McCroskey, J. C., & Richmond, V. P. (2008). Human communication in everyday life: Explanations and applications. Allyn & Bacon.
Yellowstone National Park Staff. (2015, February 15). Why do geysers erupt? Retrieved from: https://www.yellowstonepark.com/things-to-do/geysers-erupt
Figures.
Figure 8.1 : Krukau, Y. (2021). People having conflict while working. Pexels license. Retrieved from https://www.pexels.com/photo/people-having-conflict-while-working-7640830/.
Figure 8.2 French & Raven’s Five Bases of Power. Interpersonal Communication Copyright © by Jason S. Wrench; Narissra M. Punyanunt-Carter; and Katherine S. Thweatt.
Figure 8.3 Conflict Management Styles. Interpersonal Communication Copyright © by Jason S. Wrench; Narissra M. Punyanunt-Carter; and Katherine S. Thweatt.
Figure 8.4 Avoiders. Upset young Indian couple after conflict. Ketut Subiyanto. 2020. CC BY 4.0.
Figure 8.5 Battlers. Man and Woman wearing brown leather jackets. Vera Arsic. 2018. CC BY 4.0.
Figure 8.6 Collaborate. Photo of women talking while sitting. Fauxels. 2019. CC BY 4.0.
Figure 8.7 STLC Conflict Model. Interpersonal Communication Copyright © by Jason S. Wrench; Narissra M. Punyanunt-Carter; and Katherine S. Thweatt.
Figure 8.8 Hurley, C. M. (2025). The five steps of assertive communication.
Love is a multidimensional concept that can include several different orientations toward the loved person such as romantic love (attraction based on physical beauty or handsomeness), best friend love, passionate love, unrequited love (love that is not returned), and companionate love (affectionate love and tenderness between people).
Interest in another person and a desire to get to know them better.
Introduction
3.1 Foundations of Culture and Identity
Culture is a complicated word to define, as there are at least six common ways that culture is used in the United States. For the purposes of exploring the communicative aspects of culture, we will define culture as the ongoing negotiation of learned and patterned beliefs, attitudes, values, and behaviors. Unpacking the definition, we can see that culture should not be conceptualized as stable and unchanging. Culture is “negotiated.” It is also dynamic, and cultural changes can be traced and analyzed to better understand why our society is the way it is. The definition also points out that culture is learned, which accounts for the importance of socializing institutions like family, school, peers, and the media. Culture is patterned in that there are recognizable widespread similarities among people within a cultural group. There is also deviation from and resistance to those patterns by individuals and subgroups within a culture, which is why cultural patterns change over time. Last, the definition acknowledges that culture influences our beliefs about what is true and false, our attitudes (including our likes and dislikes), our values regarding what is right and wrong, and our behaviors. It is from these cultural influences that our identities are formed.
Personal, Social, and Cultural Identities
Ask yourself the question “Who am I?” We develop a sense of who we are based on what is reflected back on us from other people. Our parents, friends, teachers, and the media help shape our identities. While this happens from birth, most people in Western societies reach a stage in adolescence where maturing cognitive abilities and increased social awareness lead them to begin to reflect on who they are. This begins a lifelong process of thinking about who we are now, who we were before, and who we will become (Tatum, 2000). Our identities make up an important part of our self-concept and can be broken down into three main categories: personal, social, and cultural identities.
We must avoid the temptation to think of our identities as constant. Instead, our identities are formed through processes that started before we were born. And they will continue after we are gone. Therefore, our identities are not something we achieve or complete. Two related but distinct components of our identities are our personal and social identities (Spreckels & Kotthoff, 2009). Personal identities include the components of self that are primarily intrapersonal and connected to our life experiences. Our social identities are the components of self that are derived from involvement in social groups with which we are interpersonally committed.
For example, we may derive aspects of our social identity from our family or from a community of fans for a sports team. Social identities differ from personal identities because they are externally organized through membership. Our membership may be voluntary (Greek organization on campus) or involuntary (family) and explicit (we pay dues to our labor union) or implicit (we purchase and listen to hip-hop music). There are innumerous options for personal and social identities. While our personal identity choices express who we are, our social identities align us with particular groups. Through our social identities, we make statements about who we are and who we are not.
Personal identities may change often as people have new experiences and develop new interests and hobbies. A current interest in online video games may give way to an interest in graphic design. Social identities do not change as often because they take more time to develop, as you must become interpersonally invested. For example, if an interest in online video games leads someone to become a member of a MMORPG, or a massively multiplayer online role-playing game community, that personal identity has led to a social identity that is now interpersonal and more entrenched.
Cultural identities are a type of social identity, that includes "the emotional significance that we attach to our sense of belonging or affiliation with the larger culture and internalization of the core value patterns and practices" (Ting-Toomey & Chung, 2020, p. 95). Some of the larger social and societal groups we belong to - such as our religious affiliation, country or place of birth, ethnic groups - have been influencing our beliefs and behavior systems since birth. We may literally have a parent or leader tell us what it means to be a "man" or a "woman" or a "good Christian". We may also unconsciously consume messages from popular culture that offer representations of gender or religion. Since we are often a part of them since birth, cultural identities are the least changeable of the three.
Differences Matter
Whenever we encounter someone, we notice similarities and differences. While both are important, often the differences are highlighted. These differences may contribute to communication troubles. We do not only see similarities and differences on an individual level. In fact, we also place people into in-groups and out-groups based on the similarities and differences we perceive. This is important because we then tend to react to someone we perceive as a member of an out-group based on the characteristics we attach to the group rather than the individual (Allen, 2011). In these situations, it is more likely that stereotypes and prejudice will influence our communication. Learning about differences and why they matter will help us be more competent communicators. The other side of emphasizing difference is to claim that no differences exist and that you see everyone as a human being. Rather than trying to ignore difference and see each person as a unique individual, we should know the history of how differences came to be so socially and culturally significant and how they continue to affect us today.
Culture and identity are complex. You may be wondering how some groups came to be dominant and others non-dominant. These differences are not natural, which can be seen as we unpack how various identities have changed over time in the next section. There is, however, an ideology of domination that makes it seem natural and normal that some people or groups will always have power over others (Allen, 2011). In fact, hierarchy and domination, although prevalent throughout modern human history, were likely not the norm among early humans. So one of the first reasons differences matter is that people and groups are treated unequally, and better understanding how those differences came to be can help us create a more just society. Difference also matters because demographics and patterns of interaction are changing.
In the United States, the population of people of color is increasing and diversifying, and visibility for people who are gay or lesbian and people with disabilities has also increased. The 2010 Census shows that the Hispanic and Latino/a populations in the United States are now the second largest group in the country, having grown 43 percent since the last census in 2000 (Saenz, 2011). By 2030, racial and ethnic minorities will account for one-third of the population (Allen, 2011). Additionally, legal and social changes have created a more open environment for sexual minorities and people with disabilities. These changes directly affect our interpersonal relationships. The workplace is one context where changing demographics has become increasingly important. Many organizations are striving to comply with changing laws by implementing policies aimed at creating equal access and opportunity. Some organizations are going further than legal compliance to try to create inclusive climates where diversity is valued because of the interpersonal and economic benefits it has the potential to produce.
We can now see that differences matter due to the inequalities that exist among cultural groups and due to changing demographics that affect our personal and social relationships. Unfortunately, many obstacles may impede our valuing of difference (Allen, 2011). Individuals with dominant identities may not validate the experiences of those in non-dominant groups because they do not experience the oppression directed at those with non-dominant identities. Further, they may find it difficult to acknowledge that not being aware of this oppression is due to privilege associated with their dominant identities. Because of this lack of recognition of oppression, members of dominant groups may minimize, dismiss, or question the experiences of non-dominant groups and view them as “complainers” or “whiners.” Recall from our earlier discussion of identity formation that people with dominant identities may stay in the unexamined or acceptance stages for a long time. Being stuck in these stages makes it much more difficult to value difference.
Members of non-dominant groups may have difficulty valuing difference due to negative experiences with the dominant group, such as not having their experiences validated. Both groups may be restrained from communicating about difference due to norms of political correctness, which may make people feel afraid to speak up because they may be perceived as insensitive or racist. All these obstacles are common and they are valid. However, as we will learn later, developing intercultural communication competence can help us gain new perspectives, become more mindful of our communication, and intervene in some of these negative cycles.
3.2 Exploring Specific Cultural Identities
We can get a better understanding of current cultural identities by unpacking how they came to be. By looking at history, we can see how cultural identities that seem to have existed forever actually came to be constructed for various political and social reasons and how they have changed over time. Communication plays a central role in this construction. Social constructionism is a view that argues the self is formed through our interactions with others and in relationship to social, cultural, and political contexts (Allen, 2011). In this section, we will explore how the cultural identities of race, gender, sexual orientation, and ability have been constructed in the United States and how communication relates to those identities. Other important identities could be discussed, like religion, age, nationality, and class. Although they are not given their own section, consider how those identities may intersect with the identities discussed next.
Race
Would it surprise you to know that human beings, regardless of how they are racially classified, share 99.9 percent of their DNA? This finding by the Human Genome Project asserts that race is a social construct, not a biological one. The American Anthropological Association agrees, stating that race is the product of “historical and contemporary social, economic, educational, and political circumstances” (Allen, 2011). Therefore, we will define race as a socially constructed category based on differences in appearance that has been used to create hierarchies that privilege some and disadvantage others.
Race did not become a socially and culturally recognized marker until European colonial expansion in the 1500s. As Western Europeans traveled to parts of the world previously unknown to them and encountered people who were different from them, a hierarchy of races began to develop that placed lighter skinned Europeans above darker skinned people. At the time, newly developing fields in natural and biological sciences took interest in examining the new locales, including the plant and animal life, natural resources, and native populations. Over the next three hundred years, science that we would now undoubtedly recognize as flawed, biased, and racist legitimated notions that native populations were less evolved than white Europeans were, often calling them savages. In fact, there were scientific debates as to whether some of the native populations should be considered human or animal. Racial distinctions have been based largely on phenotypes, or physiological features such as skin color, hair texture, and body/facial features. Western “scientists” used these differences as “proof” that native populations were less evolved than the Europeans, which helped justify colonial expansion, enslavement, genocide, and exploitation on massive scales (Allen, 2011). Even though there is a consensus among experts that race is social rather than biological, we cannot deny that race still has meaning in our society and affects people as if it were “real.”
Given that race is one of the first things we notice about someone, it is important to know how race and communication relate (Allen, 2011). Discussing race in the United States is difficult for many reasons. One is due to uncertainty about language use. People may be frustrated by their perception that labels change too often or be afraid of using an “improper” term and being viewed as racially insensitive. It is important, however, that we not let political correctness get in the way of meaningful dialogues and learning opportunities related to difference. Learning some of the communicative history of race can make us more competent communicators and open us up to more learning experiences.
Racial classifications used by the government and our regular communication about race in the United States have changed frequently, which further points to the social construction of race. Currently, the primary racial groups in the United States are African American, Asian American, European American, Latino/a, and Native American, but a brief look at changes in how the US Census Bureau has defined race clearly shows that this hasn’t always been the case (see links below). In the 1900s alone, there were twenty-six different ways that race was categorized on census forms (Allen, 2011). The way we communicate about race in our regular interactions has also changed, and many people are still hesitant to discuss race for fear of using “the wrong” vocabulary.
The five primary racial groups noted previously can still be broken down further to specify a particular region, country, or nation. In fact, the term ethnicity is more commonly used to describe meaningful cultural differences, because ethnicity is is based on cultural characteristics shared by people of a particular race, national origin, religion or language.
For example, Asian Americans are diverse in terms of country and language of origin and cultural practices. While the category of Asian Americans can be useful when discussing broad trends, it can also generalize among groups, which can lead to stereotypes. You may find that someone identifies as Chinese American or Korean American instead of Asian American. While they may both "check" the same Asian American box, in reality they may speak different first languages, eat different foods, have different holiday celebrations, and practice different verbal and nonverbal norms. In this case, the label further highlights a person’s cultural lineage. We should not assume, however, that someone identifies with his or her cultural lineage, as many people have more in common with their US American peers than a culture that may be one or more generations removed.
An example
- History and personal preference also influence how we communicate about race. Culture and communication scholar Brenda Allen notes that when she was born in 1950, her birth certificate included an N for Negro. Later she referred to herself as colored because that is what people in her community referred to themselves as. During and before this time, the term black had negative connotations and would likely have offended someone. There was a movement in the 1960s to reclaim the word black, and the slogan “black is beautiful” was commonly used. Brenda Allen acknowledges the newer label of African American but notes that she still prefers black. The terms colored and Negro are no longer considered appropriate because they were commonly used during a time when black people were blatantly discriminated against. Even though that history may seem far removed to some, it is not to others. Currently, the terms African American and black are frequently used, and both are considered acceptable. The phrase people of color is acceptable for most and is used to be inclusive of other racial minorities. If you are unsure what to use, you could always observe how a person refers to himself or herself, or you could ask for his or her preference. In any case, a competent communicator defers to and respects the preference of the individual.
The history of immigration in the United States also ties to the way that race has been constructed. The metaphor of the melting pot has been used to describe the immigration history of the United States but does not capture the experiences of many immigrant groups (Allen, 2011). Generally, immigrant groups who were white, or light skinned, and spoke English were better able to assimilate, or melt into the melting pot. However, immigrant groups that we might think of as white today were not always considered so. Irish immigrants were discriminated against and even portrayed as black in cartoons that appeared in newspapers. In some Southern states, Italian immigrants were forced to go to black schools, and it was not until 1952 that Asian immigrants were allowed to become citizens of the United States. All this history is important, because it continues to influence communication among races today.
Interracial Communication
Race and communication are related in various ways. Racism influences our communication about race and is not an easy topic for most people to discuss. Today, people tend to view racism as overt acts such as calling someone a derogatory name or discriminating against someone in thought or action. However, there is a difference between racist acts, which we can attach to an individual, and institutional racism, which is not as easily identifiable. It is much easier for people to recognize and decry racist actions than it is to realize that racist patterns and practices go through societal institutions, which means that racism exists and does not have to be committed by any one person. As competent communicators and critical thinkers, we must challenge ourselves to be aware of how racism influences our communication at individual and societal levels.
We tend to make some of our assumptions about people’s race based on how they talk, and often these assumptions are based on stereotypes. Dominant groups tend to define what is correct or incorrect usage of a language, and since language is so closely tied to identity, labeling a group’s use of a language as incorrect or deviant challenges or negates part of their identity (Yancy, 2011). We know there is not only one way to speak English, but there have been movements to identify a standard.
This becomes problematic when we realize that “standard English” refers to a way of speaking English that is based on white, middle-class ideals that do not match up with the experiences of many. When we create a standard for English, we can label anything that deviates from that “nonstandard English.” Differences between standard English and what has been called “Black English” have gotten national attention through debates about whether or not instruction in classrooms should accommodate students who do not speak standard English. Education plays an important role in language acquisition, and class relates to access to education. In general, whether someone speaks standard English themselves or not, they tend to judge negatively people whose speech deviates from the standard.
Another national controversy has revolved around the inclusion of Spanish in common language use, such as Spanish as an option at ATMs, or other automated services, and Spanish language instruction in school for students who do not speak or are learning to speak English. As was noted earlier, the Latino/a population in the United States is growing fast, which has necessitated inclusion of Spanish in many areas of public life. This has also created a backlash, which some scholars argue is tied more to the race of the immigrants than the language they speak and a fear that white America could be engulfed by other languages and cultures (Speicher, 2002). This backlash has led to a revived movement to make English the official language of the United States.
The U.S. Constitution does not stipulate a national language, and Congress has not designated one either. While nearly thirty states have passed English-language legislation, it has mostly been symbolic, and court rulings have limited any enforceability (Zuckerman, 2010). The Linguistic Society of America points out that immigrants are very aware of the social and economic advantages of learning English and do not need to be forced. They also point out that the United States has always had many languages represented, that national unity has not rested on a single language, and that there are actually benefits to having a population that is multilingual (Linguistic Society of America, 2011). Interracial communication presents some additional verbal challenges.
Code switching involves changing from one way of speaking to another between or within interactions. Some people of color may engage in code switching when communicating with dominant group members because they fear they will be negatively judged. Adopting the language practices of the dominant group may minimize perceived differences. This code switching creates a linguistic dual consciousness in which people are able to maintain their linguistic identities with their in-group peers but can still acquire tools and gain access needed to function in dominant society (Yancy, 2011). White people may also feel anxious about communicating with people of color out of fear of being perceived as racist. In other situations, people in dominant groups may spotlight non-dominant members by asking them to comment on or educate others about their race (Allen, 2011).
Gender
When we first meet a newborn baby, we ask whether it is a boy or a girl. This question illustrates the importance of gender in organizing our social lives and our interpersonal relationships. A Canadian family became aware of the deep emotions people feel about gender and the great discomfort people feel when they cannot determine gender when they announced to the world that they were not going to tell anyone the gender of their baby, aside from the baby’s siblings. Their desire for their child, named Storm, to be able to experience early life without the boundaries and categories of gender brought criticism from many (Davis & James, 2011).
Conversely, many parents consciously or unconsciously “code” their newborns in gendered ways based on our society’s associations of pink clothing and accessories with girls and blue with boys. While it is obvious to most people that colors are not gendered, they take on new meaning when we assign gendered characteristics of masculinity and femininity to them. Just like race, gender is a socially constructed category. While it is true that there are biological differences between who we label male and female, the meaning our society places on those differences is what actually matters in our day-today lives. In addition, the biological differences are interpreted differently around the world, which further shows that although we think gender is a natural, normal, stable way of classifying things, it is actually not. There is a long history of appreciation for people who cross gender lines in Native American and South Central Asian cultures, to name just two.
You may have noticed the use the word gender instead of sex. That is because gender is an identity based on internalized cultural notions of masculinity and femininity that is constructed through communication and interaction. There are two important parts of this definition to unpack. First, we internalize notions of gender based on socializing institutions, which helps us form our gender identity. Then we attempt to construct that gendered identity through our interactions with others, which is our gender expression. Sex - which is now commonly referred to as sex or gender assigned at birth - since it is determined by others external to us, is based on biological characteristics, including external genitalia, internal sex organs, chromosomes, and hormones (Wood, 2005). While the biological characteristics between males and females can be different, our connection to those terms and the meaning that we create and attach to those characteristics makes them significant. Some common gender identity terms you may here include: man, woman, trans, and nonbinary. It is important to allow others to choose the term that's best for them. Miscommunication and bias are more likely to occur when we (as observers) assign people into gender groups based on rigid binary stereotypes.
- Cisgender is used to describe people in which their gender identity aligns with their sex or gender assigned at birth. For example, if a baby was identified as a female and that baby grows up to be a child/adult identifies as a girl/woman, this person is considered cisgender. Many cisgender individuals do not use this term, because in many societies being cisgender is considered "the norm" or even the only acceptable identity.
- Transgender is an umbrella term for people whose sex identity and/or expression does not match the sex or gender they were assigned by birth. Transgender people may or may not seek medical intervention like surgery or hormone treatments to help match their physiology with their gender identity. The term transgender includes other labels such as transsexual and intersex, among others. Terms like hermaphrodite and she-male are not considered appropriate. As with other groups, it is best to allow someone to self-identify first and then honor their preferred label. If you are unsure of which pronouns to use when addressing someone, you can use gender-neutral language or you can use the pronoun that matches with how they are presenting.
Gender has been constructed over the past few centuries in political and deliberate ways that have tended to favor men in terms of power. Moreover, various academic fields joined in the quest to “prove” there are “natural” differences between men and women. While the “proof” they presented was credible to many at the time, it seems blatantly sexist and inaccurate today. In the late 1800s and early 1900s, scientists who measure skulls, also known as craniometrists, claimed that men were more intelligent than women were because they had larger brains. Leaders in the fast-growing fields of sociology and psychology argued that women were less evolved than men and had more in common with “children and savages” than an adult (white) males (Allen, 2011).
Doctors and other decision makers like politicians also used women’s menstrual cycles as evidence that they were irrational, or hysterical, and therefore could not be trusted to vote, pursue higher education, or be in a leadership position. These are just a few of the many instances of how knowledge was created by seemingly legitimate scientific disciplines that we can now clearly see served to empower men and disempower women. This system is based on the ideology of patriarchy, which is a system of social structures and practices that maintains the values, priorities, and interests of men as a group (Wood, 2005). One of the ways patriarchy is maintained is by its relative invisibility. While women have been the focus of much research on gender differences, males have been largely unexamined. Men have been treated as the “generic” human being to which others are compared. However, that ignores the fact that men have a gender, too. Masculinities studies have challenged that notion by examining how masculinities are performed.
Gender as a cultural identity has implications for many aspects of our lives, including real-world contexts like education and work. Schools are primary grounds for socialization, and the educational experience for males and females is different in many ways from preschool through college. Although not always intentional, schools tend to recreate the hierarchies and inequalities that exist in society. Given that we live in a patriarchal society, there are communicative elements present in school that support this (Allen, 2011). For example, teachers are more likely to call on and pay attention to boys in a classroom, giving them more feedback in the form of criticism, praise, and help. This sends an implicit message that boys are more worthy of attention and valuable than girls are. Teachers are also more likely to lead girls to focus on feelings and appearance and boys to focus on competition and achievement. The focus on appearance for girls can lead to anxieties about body image.
Gender inequalities are also evident in the administrative structure of schools, which puts males in positions of authority more than females. While females make up 75 percent of the educational workforce, only 22 percent of superintendents and 8 percent of high school principals are women. Similar trends exist in colleges and universities, with women only accounting for 26 percent of full professors. These inequalities in schools correspond to larger inequalities in the general workforce. While there are more women in the workforce now than ever before, they still face a glass ceiling, which is a barrier for promotion to upper management. Many of my students have been surprised at the continuing pay gap that exists between men and women. In 2010, women earned about seventy-seven cents to every dollar earned by men (National Committee on Pay Equity, 2021). To put this into perspective, the National Committee on Pay Equity started an event called Equal Pay Day. In 2011, Equal Pay Day was on April 11. This signifies that for a woman to earn the same amount of money a man earned in a year, she would have to work more than three months extra, until April 11, to make up for the difference (National Committee on Pay Equity, 2021).
Sexuality
While race and gender expression are two of the first things we notice about others, sexuality is often something we view as personal and private. Although many people hold a view that a person’s sexuality should be kept private, this is not a reality for our society. One only needs to observe popular culture and media for a short time to see that sexuality permeates much of our public discourse.
Sexuality relates to culture and identity in important ways that extend beyond sexual orientation, just as race is more than the color of one’s skin and gender is more than one’s biological and physiological manifestations of masculinity and femininity. Sexuality is not just physical; it is social in that we communicate with others about sexuality (Allen, 2011). Sexuality is also biological in that it connects to physiological functions that carry significant social and political meaning like puberty, menstruation, and pregnancy. Sexuality connects to public health issues like sexually transmitted infections (STIs), sexual assault, sexual abuse, sexual harassment, and teen pregnancy. Sexuality is at the center of political issues like abortion, sex education, and gay and lesbian rights. While all these contribute to sexuality as a cultural identity, the focus in this section is on sexual orientation.
Sexual orientation refers to a person’s primary physical and emotional sexual attraction and activity. The terms we most often use to categorize sexual orientation are heterosexual (straight), gay, lesbian, bisexual, and queer. Gays, lesbians, and bisexuals are sometimes referred to as sexual minorities. While the term sexual preference has been used previously, sexual orientation is more appropriate, since preference implies a simple choice. Although someone’s preference for a restaurant or actor may change frequently, sexuality is not as simple. The term homosexual can be appropriate in some instances, but it carries with it a clinical and medicalized tone. As you will see in the timeline that follows, the medical community has a recent history of “treating homosexuality” with means that most would view as inhumane today. So many people prefer a term like gay, which was chosen and embraced by gay people, rather than homosexual, which was imposed by a then discriminatory medical system.
The gay and lesbian rights movement became widely recognizable in the United States in the 1950s and continues on today, as evidenced by prominent issues regarding sexual orientation in national news and politics. National and international groups like the Human Rights Campaign advocate for rights for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ) communities. While these communities are often grouped together within one acronym (LGBTQ), they are different. Gays and lesbians constitute the most visible of the groups and receive the most attention and funding. Bisexuals are rarely visible or included in popular cultural discourses or in social and political movements. Transgender issues have received much more attention in recent years, but transgender identity connects to gender more than it does to sexuality. Last, queer is a term used to describe a group that is diverse in terms of identities but usually takes a more activist and at times radical stance that critiques sexual categories. While queer was long considered a derogatory label, and still is by some, the queer activist movement that emerged in the 1980s and early 1990s reclaimed the word and embraced it as a positive. As you can see, there is a diversity of identities among sexual minorities, just as there is variation within races and genders.
As with other cultural identities, notions of sexuality have been socially constructed in different ways throughout human history. Sexual orientation did not come into being as an identity category until the late 1800s. Before that, sexuality was viewed in more physical or spiritual senses that were largely separate from a person’s identity.
Ability
There is resistance to classifying ability as a cultural identity, because we follow a medical model of disability that places disability as an individual and medical rather than social and cultural issue. While much of what distinguishes able-bodied and cognitively able from disabled is rooted in science, biology, and physiology, there are important sociocultural dimensions. The Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) defines an individual with a disability as “a person who has a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more major life activities, a person who has a history or record of such an impairment, or a person who is perceived by others as having such an impairment” (Allen, 2011). An impairment is defined as “any temporary or permanent loss or abnormality of a body structure or function, whether physiological or psychological” (Allen, 2011).
This definition is important because it notes the social aspect of disability in that people’s life activities are limited and the relational aspect of disability in that the perception of a disability by others can lead someone to be classified as such. Ascribing an identity of disabled to a person can be problematic. If there is a mental or physical impairment, it should be diagnosed by a credentialed expert. If there is not an impairment, then the label of disabled can have negative impacts, as this label carries social and cultural significance. People are tracked into various educational programs based on their physical and cognitive abilities. In addition, there are many cases of people being mistakenly labeled disabled who were treated differently despite their protest of the ascribed label. Students who did not speak English as a first language, for example, were—and perhaps still are—sometimes put into special education classes.
Ability, just as the other cultural identities discussed, has institutionalized privileges and disadvantages associated with it. Ableism is the system of beliefs and practices that produces a physical and mental standard that is projected as normal for a human being and labels deviations from it abnormal, resulting in unequal treatment and access to resources. Ability privilege refers to the unearned advantages that are provided for people who fit the cognitive and physical norms (Allen, 2011). One of the authors attended a workshop about ability privilege led by a man who was visually impaired. He talked about how, unlike other cultural identities that are typically stable over a lifetime, ability fluctuates for most people. We have all experienced times when we are more or less able.
- Perhaps you broke your leg and had to use crutches or a wheelchair for a while. Getting sick for a prolonged period of time also lessens our abilities, but we may fully recover from any of these examples and regain our ability privilege. Whether you have experienced a short-term disability or not, the majority of us will become less physically and cognitively able as we get older.
Statistically, people with disabilities make up the largest minority group in the United States, with an estimated 25 percent of people five years or older living with some form of disability (CDC, 2024). Even though we use an image of a wheelchair to indicate disability, disability is more than mobility restrictions. Disability includes a diverse group of people with a wide range of needs (see 2024 table to the right). Some disabilities may be hidden and not easy to see.
People with disabilities have been stigmatized throughout history. In many cultures, disability has been associated with curses, disease, dependence, and helplessness. Disability stigma can play out in a number of ways, including (Houtenville & Boege, 2019):
- Social Avoidance and Exclusion. People with disabilities may be left out of social activities, or they may find that friends become more distant after they develop a disability. People may be hesitant to make eye contact or start a conversation with someone who has a visible disability or may avoid a person with a cognitive disability whom they do not understand (de Boer et al., 2012).
- Stereotyping. People with disabilities may be presumed to be helpless, unable to care for themselves, or unable to make their own decisions. People with one disability, such as a speech impairment, may be presumed to have other disabilities they don’t have, such as an intellectual disability.
- Discrimination. People with disabilities may be denied jobs, housing, or other opportunities due to false assumptions or stereotypes about disabilities. This still occurs today (see Project WHEN for recent examples), despite disability rights laws such as the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA).
- Condescension. People with disabilities may be coddled or over-protected due to perceptions of their helplessness.
- Blaming. People may be blamed for their disability, or accused of using their disability to gain unfair benefits. A recent study of physicians even found that health care workers treating people with disabilities can carry biased views that affect their health care access and outcomes (Iezzoni et al., 2021).
- Internalization. People with disabilities may themselves adopt negative beliefs about their disability and feel ashamed or embarrassed about it. As a society, we have only recently begun to discuss mental health as an important social issue, and given individuals and celebrities the space to discuss mental health conditions and struggles.
- Hate Crimes and Violence. People with disabilities may be targeted in hate crimes. According to the National Center for Victims of Crime, people with disabilities are twice as likely to be victims of crime as compared to people without disabilities, including physical or sexual violence (2018).
It's important to note that an outsider cannot, 1) see all disabilities, and 2) understand the ways in which a person's disability is impacting their life.
3.3 Intercultural Communication Competence
It is through intercultural communication that we come to create, understand, and transform culture and identity. Intercultural communication is communication between people with differing cultural identities. One reason we should study intercultural communication is to foster greater self-awareness (Martin & Nakayama, 2010). Our thought process regarding culture is often “other focused,” meaning that the culture of the other person or group is what stands out in our perception. However, the old adage “know thyself” is appropriate, as we become more aware of our own culture by better understanding other cultures and perspectives. Intercultural communication can allow us to step outside of our comfortable, usual frame of reference and see our culture through a different lens. Additionally, as we become more self-aware, we may also become more ethical communicators as we challenge our ethnocentrism, or our tendency to view our own culture as superior to other cultures.
Intercultural communication competence (ICC) is the ability to communicate effectively and appropriately in various cultural contexts. There are numerous components of ICC. Some key components include motivation, self- and other knowledge, and tolerance for uncertainty.
Initially, a person’s motivation for communicating with people from other cultures must be considered. Motivation refers to the root of a person’s desire to foster intercultural relationships and can be intrinsic or extrinsic (Martin & Nakayama, 2010). Put simply, if a person is not motivated to communicate with people from different cultures, then the components of ICC discussed next do not really matter. If a person has a healthy curiosity that drives him or her toward intercultural encounters in order to learn more about self and others, then there is a foundation from which to build additional competence-relevant attitudes and skills. This intrinsic motivation makes intercultural communication a voluntary, rewarding, and lifelong learning process. Motivation can also be extrinsic, meaning that the desire for intercultural communication is driven by an outside reward like money, power, or recognition. While both types of motivation can contribute to ICC, context may further enhance or impede a person’s motivation to communicate across cultures.
Members of dominant groups are often less motivated, intrinsically and extrinsically, toward intercultural communication than members of non-dominant groups, because they do not see the incentives for doing so. Having more power in communication encounters can create an unbalanced situation where the individual from the non-dominant group is expected to exhibit competence, or the ability to adapt to the communication behaviors and attitudes of the other. Even in situations where extrinsic rewards like securing an overseas business investment are at stake, it is likely that the foreign investor is much more accustomed to adapting to United States business customs and communication than vice versa. This expectation that others will adapt to our communication can be unconscious, but later ICC skills we will learn will help bring it to awareness.
The unbalanced situation just described is a daily reality for many individuals with non-dominant identities. Their motivation toward intercultural communication may be driven by survival in terms of functioning effectively in dominant contexts. Recall the phenomenon known as code switching discussed earlier, in which individuals from non-dominant groups adapt their communication to fit in with the dominant group. In such instances, African Americans may “talk white” by conforming to what is called “standard English,” women in corporate environments may adapt masculine communication patterns, people who are gay or lesbian may self-censor and avoid discussing their same-gender partners with coworkers, and people with nonvisible disabilities may not disclose them in order to avoid judgment.
While intrinsic motivation captures an idealistic view of intercultural communication as rewarding in its own right, many contexts create extrinsic motivation. In either case, there is a risk that an individual’s motivation can still lead to incompetent communication. For example, it would be exploitative for an extrinsically motivated person to pursue intercultural communication solely for an external reward and then abandon the intercultural relationship once the reward is attained. These situations highlight the relational aspect of ICC, meaning that the motivation of all parties should be considered. Motivation alone cannot create ICC.
Knowledge supplements motivation and is an important part of building ICC. Knowledge includes self- and other-awareness, mindfulness, and cognitive flexibility. Building knowledge of our own cultures, identities, and communication patterns takes more than passive experience (Martin & Nakayama). Developing cultural self-awareness often requires us to get out of our comfort zones. Listening to people who are different from us is a key component of developing self-knowledge. This may be uncomfortable, because we may realize that people think of our identities differently than we thought.
The most effective way to develop other-knowledge is by direct and thoughtful encounters with other cultures. However, people may not readily have these opportunities for a variety of reasons. Despite the overall diversity in the United States, many people still only interact with people who are similar to them. Even in a racially diverse educational setting, for example, people often group off with people of their own race. While a heterosexual person may have a gay or lesbian friend or relative, they likely spend most of their time with other heterosexuals. Unless you interact with people with disabilities as part of your job or have a person with a disability in your friend or family group, you likely spend most of your time interacting with able-bodied people. Living in a rural area may limit your ability to interact with a range of cultures, and most people do not travel internationally regularly. Because of this, we may have to make a determined effort to interact with other cultures or rely on educational sources like college classes, books, or documentaries. Learning another language is also a good way to learn about a culture, because you can then read the news or watch movies in the native language, which can offer insights that are lost in translation. It is important to note though that we must evaluate the credibility of the source of our knowledge, whether it is a book, person, or other source. In addition, knowledge of another language does not automatically equate to ICC.
Developing self- and other-knowledge is an ongoing process that will continue to adapt and grow as we encounter new experiences. Mindfulness and cognitive flexibility will help as we continue to build our ICC (Pusch, 2009). Mindfulness is a state of self- and other-monitoring that informs later reflection on communication interactions. As mindful communicators, we should ask questions that focus on the interactive process like “How is our communication going? What are my reactions? What are their reactions?” Being able to adapt our communication in the moment based on our answers to these questions is a skill that comes with a high level of ICC. Reflecting on the communication encounter later to see what can be learned is also a way to build ICC. We should then be able to incorporate what we learned into our communication frameworks, which requires cognitive flexibility. Cognitive flexibility refers to the ability to continually supplement and revise existing knowledge to create new categories rather than forcing new knowledge into old categories. Cognitive flexibility helps prevent our knowledge from becoming stale and also prevents the formation of stereotypes and can help us avoid prejudging an encounter or jumping to conclusions. In summary, to be better intercultural communicators, we should know much about others and ourselves and be able to reflect on and adapt our knowledge as we gain new experiences.
Motivation and knowledge can inform us as we gain new experiences, but how we feel in the moment of intercultural encounters is also important. Tolerance for uncertainty refers to an individual’s attitude about and level of comfort in uncertain situations (Martin & Nakayama, 2010). Some people perform better in uncertain situations than others, and intercultural encounters often bring up uncertainty. Whether communicating with someone of a different gender, race, or nationality, we are often wondering what we should or should not do or say. Situations of uncertainty most often become clearer as they progress, but the anxiety that an individual with a low tolerance for uncertainty feels may lead them to leave the situation or otherwise communicate in a less competent manner. Individuals with a high tolerance for uncertainty may exhibit more patience, waiting on new information to become available or seeking out information, which may then increase the understanding of the situation and lead to a more successful outcome (Pusch, 2009). Individuals who are intrinsically motivated toward intercultural communication may have a higher tolerance for uncertainty, in that their curiosity leads them to engage with others who are different because they find the self- and other-knowledge gained rewarding.
Cultivating Intercultural Communication Competence
How can ICC be built and achieved? This is a key question we will address in this section. Two main ways to build ICC are through experiential learning and reflective practices (Bednarz, 2010). We must first realize that competence is not any one thing. Part of being competent means that you can assess new situations and adapt your existing knowledge to the new contexts. What it means to be competent will vary depending on your physical location, your role (personal, professional, etc.), and your life stage, among other things. Sometimes we will know or be able to figure out what is expected of us in a given situation, but sometimes we may need to act in unexpected ways to meet the needs of a situation. Competence enables us to better cope with the unexpected, adapt to the non-routine, and connect to uncommon frameworks. ICC is less about a list of rules and more about a box of tools.
Three ways to cultivate ICC are to foster attitudes that motivate us, discover knowledge that informs us, and develop skills that enable us (Bennett, 2009). To foster attitudes that motivate us, we must develop a sense of wonder about culture. This sense of wonder can lead to feeling overwhelmed, humbled, or awed (Opdal, 2001). This sense of wonder may correlate to a high tolerance for uncertainty, which can help us turn potentially frustrating experiences we have into teachable moments. You may have had such moments in your own experience abroad. For example, trying to cook a pizza when you do not have instructions in your native language. The information on the packaging was written in Swedish, but like many college students, you have a wealth of experience cooking frozen pizzas to draw from. You might think it strange that the oven did not go up to the usual 425–450 degrees. Not to be deterred, and if you cranked the dial up as far as it would go, waited a few minutes, put in your pizza, and walked down the hall to room to wait for about fifteen minutes until the pizza was done. You would soon figure out that the oven temperatures in Sweden are listed in Celsius, not Fahrenheit!
Discovering knowledge that informs us is another step that can build on our motivation. One tool involves learning more about our cognitive style (how we learn). Our cognitive style consists of our preferred patterns for “gathering information, constructing meaning, and organizing and applying knowledge” (Bennett, 2009). As we explore cognitive styles, we discover that there are differences in how people attend to and perceive the world, explain events, organize the world, and use rules of logic (Nisbett, 2003). Some cultures have a cognitive style that focuses more on tasks, analytic and objective thinking, details and precision, inner direction, and independence, while others focus on relationships and people over tasks and things, concrete and metaphorical thinking, and a group consciousness and harmony.
Developing ICC is a complex learning process. At the basic level of learning, we accumulate knowledge and assimilate it into our existing frameworks. However, accumulated knowledge does not necessarily help us in situations where we have to apply that knowledge. Transformative learning takes place at the highest levels and occurs when we encounter situations that challenge our accumulated knowledge and our ability to accommodate that knowledge to manage a real-world situation. The cognitive dissonance that results in these situations is often uncomfortable and can lead to a hesitance to repeat such an engagement. One tip for cultivating ICC that can help manage these challenges is to find a community of like-minded people who are also motivated to develop ICC.
Developing skills that enable us is another part of ICC. Some of the skills important to ICC are the ability to empathize, accumulate cultural information, listen, resolve conflict, and manage anxiety (Bennett, 2009). Again, you are already developing a foundation for these skills by reading this book, but you can expand those skills to intercultural settings with the motivation and knowledge already described. Contact alone does not increase intercultural skills; there must be more deliberate measures taken to capitalize fully on those encounters. While research now shows that intercultural contact does decrease prejudices, this is not enough to become interculturally competent. The ability to empathize and manage anxiety enhances prejudice reduction, and these two skills have been shown to enhance the overall impact of intercultural contact even more than acquiring cultural knowledge. There is intercultural training available for people who are interested. If you cannot access training, you may choose to research intercultural training on your own, as there are many books, articles, and manuals written on the subject.
While formal intercultural experiences like studying abroad or volunteering for the Special Olympics or a shelter for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and queer (GLBTQ) youth can result in learning, informal experiences are also important. We may be less likely to include informal experiences in our reflection if we do not see them as legitimate. Reflection should also include “critical incidents” or what I call “a-ha! moments.” Think of reflection as a tool for metacompetence that can be useful in bringing the formal and informal together (Bednarz, 2010).
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Figures
Figure 7.1: Mug with Rainbow Flags. RDNE Stock Project. 2021. Pexels license. https://www.pexels.com/photo/mug-with-rainbow-flags-10503405/
Figure 7.2: The Hispanic and Latinx population has grown 43% since 2000. Jhon David. 2018. Unsplash license. https://unsplash.com/photos/3WgkTDw7XyE
Figure 7.3: Competent communicators challenge themselves through awareness. Kindred Grey. 2022. CC BY 4.0. Includes Think by Brandon Lim from NounProject (NounProject license).
Figure 7.4: Ability is a social identity that makes up the largest minority group in the U.S.. CDC. 2021. Unsplash license. https://unsplash.com/photos/68zwHPkpxpI
Figure 7.5: Intercultural communication can foster greater self-awareness and more ethical communication. Ivan Samkov. 2021. Pexels license. https://www.pexels.com/photo/coworkers-looking-at-a-laptop-in-an-office-8127690/
Figure 7.6: How to cultivate intercultural communication competence. Kindred Grey. 2022. CC BY 4.0.
